The Narcissist and Their Environment - Emotional Manipulation Tactics Revealed

As explained in a previous article, a common form of communication among people with narcissistic traits (both men and women) is through emotional manipulation.

Manipulation involves some form of behavior or communication that includes deceit or scheming to influence or control another person in a desired direction.

Much of the narcissist’s behavior is unconscious, but this does not justify the harm caused to others.

Let’s discuss some of the most common manipulation tactics:

Guilt

When something goes wrong, the narcissist will not take responsibility for their own mistakes. One of the challenges they face in accepting criticism is the uncomfortable feeling of guilt. Most people can overcome this feeling, recognize their mistake, and apologize.

For a person with narcissistic traits, this is nearly impossible because admitting fault would endanger their false self-image. They therefore shift the blame to those around them. For example:

• “If only you had done X, everything would have been fine,” or

• “If you had just fixed that, I wouldn’t have made a mistake.”

Even when you know it's not your fault, you may still start to internalize the guilt and self-blame.

In a healthy relationship, some self-reflection may be warranted. But in a relationship with a narcissist, no matter what you do, it's impossible to please them. There will always be accusations and dissatisfaction because they are unhappy with themselves.

Gaslighting

This manipulation is named after the classic British film "Gaslight" from the 1940s. The film’s plot follows a wealthy, charismatic man who deceives his wife into believing she is losing her mind. He secretly moves objects and then insists she did it, aiming to destabilize her mentally. One moment he shows affection and the next, he neglects her.

Gradually, she loses her ability to trust her own perceptions and starts believing she did those things, even though she knows she didn’t. He steals her inner compass- her sense of knowing what she does or feels- and eventually, her soul. That’s why I like to call it “Gasloot”- a mix of "gaslight" and "loot" (as in stealing).

This form of manipulation is extremely dangerous because it robs the victim of their sense of sanity, and increases the narcissist's psychological control.

Parents, spouses, bosses, and others might say things like, “I love you,” or “I value you,” while simultaneously humiliating or harming you. Eventually, you might find yourself unsure of who you are and what you mean to them. The more significant the relationship, the more you may feel mentally dulled, as if you've lost a part of your identity.

Devaluation

Narcissists often diminish your achievements, privately or publicly. It’s typically done in a subtle, sweet-talking way that only becomes clear to you later. For example:

• “Sure, my wife cooks great- if only she added this or that, I’d be thrilled.”

• “My husband is really smart…shame he doesn’t share his wisdom with us.”

Sometimes the devaluation is more direct, including rude or humiliating comments, followed by friendly behavior as if nothing happened. They may expect you to respond in kind, pretending that all is well.

Flying Monkeys

This term comes from The Wizard of Oz, where a group of flying monkeys serves the Wicked Witch and follows her orders, regardless of how harmful they are. In the narcissistic world, “flying monkeys” are well-meaning people manipulated by the narcissist (often without realizing it) to influence the victim- either to push them away or draw them back into the relationship. These individuals might say things like:

• “He’s just concerned about you.”

• “She works so hard.”

• “Try to understand- he had a tough childhood.”

• “She didn’t mean it- she’s just going through a lot.”

In regular, healthy relationships, these comments might make sense and deserve consideration. But in a narcissistic dynamic, giving the benefit of the doubt can enable the dysfunction and make things worse. It can even be dangerous. Of course, each case should be evaluated individually.

Often, when the flying monkeys are no longer useful to the narcissist, they are discarded like banana peels- without regret. Only then do they usually realize how they were manipulated and may come back to apologize to the victim.

Look out for more manipulation tactics in the next article.

Dr. Ada Michal Weinstein is a certified psychodrama therapist, specializing in narcissism, and works with victims of narcissists.