Understanding Narcissistic Traits: Between Wounds and Manipulations

Following the previous articles, I would like to highlight a few important points about narcissism.

Narcissists (male or female) developed this personality structure as a result of early childhood trauma. Most are unaware of their manipulations, which makes it very difficult to talk to them about it. It is rare to find a narcissist who has self-awareness and seeks treatment.

We are not here to assign blame, but to identify the causes of suffering and harm, and to stop the cycle of abuse. Since most narcissists struggle deeply to accept criticism, the outcome is usually the need to set boundaries and create distance, rather than connection.

There are different types of narcissism. Some are more common among women, and others among men. Narcissistic manipulations are essentially forms of human communication that all of us may use at times, particularly when we are less aware of ourselves and our behavior.

What is Healthy Narcissism?

Everyone has a unique core sense of self- a divinely guided spark. This is the inner self, the part that makes us who we are and forms the foundation of our existence. It’s the root of our identity, illuminating our personality, choices, and actions.

Childlike narcissism is described in professional literature as an innate psychological force present in all young children. At this stage, children experience a lack of separation from the world around them and are solely focused on their needs. For example, a toddler may reach for a cabinet too high to access, believing they can open it. They experience themselves as larger or more capable than they truly are, which leads to these types of misjudgments.

Healthy development causes this childlike narcissism to fade as the child grows, making room for an understanding of personal limitations. Healthy narcissism is thus a balanced sense of self in relation to others, including:

• Recognizing one’s limitations and boundaries

• Ability to feel empathy

• Acceptance of criticism

• Self-reflection

• Consideration for others

• Experiencing self-worth without demeaning others

• Connection to one’s authentic self

• Taking responsibility for one’s actions

What is Pathological Narcissism?

Pathological (wounded) narcissism may appear to be self-love, but in fact, it is not. It typically develops due to trauma, such as rejection by a parent or significant figure during infancy or early childhood. When the child’s individuality isn’t accepted and when a caregiver fails to embrace the natural traits instilled in the child by G-d, using the child instead as a status symbol or prioritizing "what people will say", the child suffers deeply.

The psyche compensates for this unbearable rejection through self-aggrandizement. The pain of being rejected by a central figure is too great to bear, so the child disconnects from their authentic self and instead forms a false self-image through which they learn to interact with the world.

It’s important to note that genetics and innate personality traits also play a role in the development of narcissistic traits.

These traits act like scaffolding around an empty core- the void left by the disconnection from the true self. Since this false image lacks life of its own, the psyche seeks emotional nourishment from others. This process is usually unconscious, leading to more manipulative, indirect, and harmful forms of communication.

People with narcissistic traits often experience high levels of anxiety, which is deeply repressed. This is another reason they cannot handle criticism or develop the self-awareness necessary for personal growth. Any change threatens to expose the void and triggers a fear of emotional collapse- making such interactions nearly impossible.

Narcissism can typically only be identified between the ages of 25 and 30, once the personality has fully developed. Very few men and women with narcissistic traits become aware of their condition or express a genuine desire for change.

Can It Be Healed?

In principle, some of the rigidity and difficulty may always remain, as narcissism is also tied to enduring personality traits. However, it is possible to learn how to cause less harm, regulate anger and aggression, and become less impulsive and more considerate of others.

A narcissist who is committed to serious treatment can improve their own quality of life and that of those close to them, but they must understand that it is a long journey requiring consistency and support from professionals experienced in this type of work.

In the next article, we will begin to explore the specific manipulations to look out for.