The Narcissist and Their Surroundings: Characteristics of Those Affected by Narcissistic Traits

Following the previous article, in which I described the characteristics of men and women with narcissistic traits, here I will focus on the characteristics of the victims.

There are specific traits commonly found in victims including an inner sense of instability, feeling like a leaf in the wind, confusion, loneliness, and deep guilt. There is often a persistent attempt to explain what is happening, accompanied by repeated feelings of failure, followed by increased self-blame. The hope that “this time it will work” often recreates the trauma, pulling the victim back into the relationship, over and over again.

Because a narcissist’s capacity for genuine empathy is minimal to nonexistent, such individuals can become psychologically dangerous to those closest to them.

In recent years, the evolving vocabulary surrounding narcissism has allowed victims to express themselves in a way that has become better understood. Mental health professionals who have either endured such relationships themselves or are open and experienced enough to understand this complex and deceptive dynamic can create a safe space for victims and enable meaningful communication.

Victims often struggle to understand the obscure and elusive nature of the harm done to them. While they clearly feel the diminishment, confusion, loneliness, and guilt, the emotional pain and resulting insecurity can be difficult to articulate in words.

This is due to the narcissist’s covert, manipulative tactics (which will be detailed in the next article) and the denial in the surrounding environment. People might say, “It’s impossible that this person did such things,” or “Even if they did, it couldn’t have been that bad.” The victim is often accused of being too sensitive, dramatic, or imaginative. Phrases like “everyone has outbursts sometimes” may suit normal behavior, but they don’t apply to narcissistic abuse.

There is much to say on this topic, and it may raise more questions than answers, but I will focus on two key points for now:

1. The Victims

A victim of a narcissist is a true victim. This is psychological abuse that can trap the person in a cycle of victimhood, especially when they lack the awareness to understand what they are going through.

Even if the victim is a sensitive person, this does not mean they must remain trapped in an abusive relationship. This can occur in romantic relationships, family (parents, siblings, in-laws), the workplace (bosses, colleagues), or any close and committed relationship.

2. The Deep Instability

Especially for those raised by a narcissistic parent, there is a persistent feeling of being like a “leaf in the wind”- an inner emptiness, being in relationship with someone who doesn’t see you, doesn’t validate your emotions, or your uniqueness.

As a result, the victim often seeks constant external validation. When your “tall tree” as a child (your parent) doesn’t function in a healthy way, you will seek other “trees” in life to fulfill that role. Sometimes this search becomes destructive; other times, it can be constructive.

Victims of relationships with people who have narcissistic traits undergo a form of psychological abuse that is covert and manipulative. Once awareness sets in, there’s often a powerful sense of liberation and redemption together with a painful realization of the long road to recovery ahead. There may be a sense of mourning for a shattered dream, a lost childhood, a relationship that never truly was or that never will be what was hoped for.

It’s crucial to seek help from professionals who truly understand the issue. Narcissists are highly manipulative and may even sway therapists to their side. Professionals who lack the necessary awareness or experience may be drawn into the narcissist’s narrative, leading to further retraumatization of the victim.

Dr. Ada Michal Weinstein is a certified psychodrama therapist, specializing in narcissism, and working with victims of narcissists.

The Narcissist and Their Environment: What is Narcissism and How Does It Affect the Environment