The Narcissus and Its Environment: Understanding Narcissism and Its Impact

Recently, we’ve been witnessing an increasing wave of exposure and open discussions on social media surrounding individuals with narcissistic traits. These conversations are happening among those who have been in relationships with individuals who display narcissistic behavior.

The term "narcissism" comes from Greek mythology. It tells the story of Narcissus, a handsome young man who saw his reflection in a pond and fell in love with his own image. His punishment was to be trapped in this endless gaze and he was doomed to a life of loneliness, ultimately dying of hunger and thirst. Upon his death, he was transformed into the narcissus flower.

Men and women who experienced emotionally detached or difficult parenting, often develop narcissistic traits as a subconscious defense mechanism. In order to protect itself from the toxicity of a parent (sometimes both parents), the psyche may disconnect deeply from its authentic self. In some individuals, a naturally more anxious temperament can further contribute to the development of these traits.

It's as though the soul locked its core in a box and threw the key into the sea- and then forgot the box ever existed. In its place, a psychological vacuum forms. Around this vacuum, the psyche builds scaffolding, a false self. This false self is shaped by the child’s intuitive- not necessarily cognitive- understanding of what the parent needed from them in order to approve of them, and to love them.

This becomes the foundation for how they later relate to others. All of this, of course, happens unconsciously. The narcissist forms attachments through this lens. Deep down, the narcissist is extremely anxious and emotionally disconnected, especially from the emotions that connect us to others and create intimacy. The narcissistic mechanism acts as a guard, protecting the psyche from the inner emptiness being exposed. If that void were discovered by others, the entire structure might collapse. The narcissist perceives their experience as genuine. This is who they are.

All of this is a very basic, general overview meant to give a glimpse into the inner world of a person with narcissistic traits. There are many shades and types of narcissism. It exists on a spectrum- from full-blown Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) to milder narcissistic tendencies.

Despite appearances, narcissists do not love themselves. The person they hate most is, in fact, themselves.

Whether male or female, a narcissist may appear to be successful, kind, an excellent manager, charming, attractive, and confident. But because these qualities are merely part of the false self, the real difficulties emerge in close relationships- those that require intimacy, emotional openness, and commitment. In such relationships the cracks begin to show, and the inner void and chaos are projected onto the other person. The other- often a spouse, child, or close colleague- has no idea that they are being used as a projection and begins to feel destabilized, confused, and empty. They may even start to believe the emptiness belongs to them.

While the public sees a charismatic and exceptional personality, those in close proximity experience a nightmare of ongoing psychological abuse. Usually, it’s a romantic partner, the children, or coworkers- anyone in a relationship that requires intimacy and collaboration, will bear the brunt of this dynamic.

The narcissist’s psyche develops manipulative ways of attaching to others in order to feed the internal void so cleverly, that the victim ends up thinking they are the problem. Over time, the victim becomes destabilized, emotionally depleted, and undergoes devaluation- a deep diminishment of self-worth.

These manipulations are varied and complex, and one of their key characteristics is that they are subtle and sophisticated, reminiscent of the serpent in the Garden of Eden.

We might say that narcissistic traits typically crystallize around age 25, when the psyche completes its formative processes. Those with narcissistic traits (as opposed to full personality disorders) often have other areas of relatively intact functioning. For example, someone with narcissistic traits may hold a steady job, whereas someone with full-blown NPD may struggle to maintain employment due to constant interpersonal conflict.

In my opinion, it's a mistake to assume that narcissists have no choice in their behavior. Though their ability to choose is more complex, it’s likely that over the years, different people have tried to tell them something- but they remain unwilling to change, and incapable of accepting criticism. They continue to argue, blame, and diminish others.

Common characteristics of narcissistic traits include:

• Great difficulty showing true empathy

• Struggles with intimacy and vulnerability

• Difficulty acknowledging or expressing vulnerable emotions

• Poor anger regulation

• Lack of self-awareness and introspection

• Inability to accept criticism or take responsibility for harmful behavior

• Consistent belittling and devaluing of others

Given all of this, it’s impossible to talk about narcissists without also addressing what happens to their victims, which will be the focus of the next article.

Dr. Ada Michal Weinstein is a certified psychodrama therapist specializing in narcissism, and working with victims of narcissists.