Real Change Begins With You

Who needs to change- me or him? 

Obviously he does!

He speaks disrespectfully,
He crosses boundaries,
He’s inconsiderate,
He’s irresponsible,
He’s hurtful, ungrateful, and full of pride.

The real question is why and how does someone else's behavior have the power to affect me so deeply? Why does he manage to stir up such intense feelings of frustration and disappointment in me, not just toward him, but toward myself as well? Why do I feel humiliated, bitter, helpless, and small around him?

That is a question I can and should answer.

If someone else's inappropriate behavior triggers difficult emotions in me, that means there’s already something within me that needs attention. He didn’t create the feelings, he simply brought them to the surface.

If I wait for the day his behavior improves so that I can finally feel better, what I'm saying is: I’m giving him control over my life. I’m handing him the keys to my emotional world. I’m letting him manage me with my full permission.

If I truly want to help myself, I need to take responsibility for my life and strengthen myself from within. When I complete that work, I might even find myself thanking the very person who hurt me for giving me the opportunity to grow.

When I take responsibility, I begin to build my self-worth from within, independent of others and I stop allowing external negativity to trigger negative emotions inside me. This is the way I develop inner resilience and emotional immunity against any unpleasant other I might encounter along the way.

At the end of the day, no one can trigger emotions in me that don’t already exist within me. If something got stirred, it was already there, lying dormant.

If the whole conversation is about who’s to blame and who needs to change, we’re dealing with surface-level thinking. Of course, harmful behavior doesn’t deserve to be justified or glorified. However if we stay locked into a mindset that only focuses on the other person’s behavior, we’re missing out on the one thing that truly can change: ourselves.

We may not be able to change the other person, but we can change ourselves, and in doing so, we can create the reality we want to live in. In many cases, a genuine internal shift within us leads to a change in the other person’s behavior too.

This is the long road that turns out to be the shortest. Lucky are those who choose to walk it!

Inbal Elhayani M.A. is a certified therapist in NLP and guided imagery, writer and lecturer. Inbal.elhayani@gmail.com