How to Build Real Self-Confidence in Kids: Teaching Responsibility and Decision-Making

It was Friday, and none of the teachers showed up at school because they all went away for a team-building Shabbat retreat. 

The supervisor walked into the 8th-grade classroom and said:
"I'm short one teacher for 2nd grade- who wants to be the substitute today?"

Thirty boys looked around, each one silently thinking, “Could I actually do that? Should I? Would it be fun- or would the kids go wild and it turn into a nightmare?”

In truth, not all thirty were doing that mental math. Some of them shot their hands up the second the supervisor opened his mouth, confidently explaining out loud why they were the right choice.
They had no doubt they could be a stand-in teacher for a 2nd-grade class. It was obvious to them that they were capable.

Not a single one of these boys had ever done anything like this before. But still, they knew they could do it. Where does this sense of confidence come from? How do they know they’re capable?

They don’t actually know, but they feel capable. It begins with wanting to do it. It’s an exciting challenge that gives them the chance to be a “king” in front of a bunch of 2nd graders for a whole day! Most likely, they’ve faced challenges before (more or less), and they’ve been praised often- “You’re great for this,” “You’re really talented,” “You’ve got what it takes.”

One of the most powerful ways to help children develop real self-confidence is to teach them how to take on age-appropriate responsibilities. In this article we'll focus on a key area that builds a child’s sense of capability: teaching them how to make their own decisions.

When building a child’s self-image and strengthening their belief in themselves, a significant part of the process is giving them chances to make decisions in areas that affect them. Allowing them to choose between two options gives them a sense of independence and trust in their judgment.

Of course, kids would love to make every decision on their own, but we’re not going to ask a 3-year-old what they want for lunch because it's too open-ended. However, we can ask “Do you want pasta or rice?” Other examples include Which blanket do you like?, Which book would you like to read?, Do you want to use crayons or markers?

As parents, we offer the options that are acceptable to us. At a young age, kids tend to make impulsive decisions based on immediate satisfaction. Our role is to help them pause and reflect before they leap. We can teach them to ask themselves: Why do I want this? They usually know the answer in hindsight- and can even recognize if it was the right choice or not. Sometimes, they know something is silly but still feel pressured by friends to do it anyway.

Another important question we can teach them is "What will be the consequences of my choice?" They need help learning to weigh risks and benefits, both short and long-term. Children tend to underestimate the cost and exaggerate the reward.

The final question would be: Is this the best choice for me? We help the child identify important factors they should consider before making decisions. We brainstorm with them to come up with additional options- even when they think there’s only one way to go.
After the fact, we reflect together to see if it was a good decision or not- helping them learn from their own experiences.

Last but not least, we as parents must be willing to take a few steps back. We need to allow our kids to make mistakes, fall, and sometimes even fail. That may be the hardest part for us, but it’s absolutely essential if we want to raise responsible, capable kids.

When a child needs to deal with the consequences of their own choices, we can see it as tuition- an investment they’re making to build their decision-making skills.

Bat-Sheva Adler is a CBT emotional therapist from the "Nafshi B'She'elati" department.