What Our Children Learn from How We Treat Ourselves- How to Boost Your Child’s Self-Esteem (and Your Own), Chapter 4

One of the most powerful tools in education is personal example. Every child learns in school about the importance of honoring parents but the child who sees their father respecting his own father, is truly able to internalize the value. The same is true for observing Shabbat, loving Torah, modesty, guarding one's speech, and in every area of religious life.

A child may study during the omer counting period about respecting others, but watching their mother speak with respect to cashier, her neighbor, or her sister-in-law are the most impactful. The same is true for how seriously we treat prayer, honesty, or small “white lies.” Children learn far more from what we do than from what we say.

What is the significance of the way I treat myself?

If my child sees that I dimiss the compliments I receive, and downplay my strengths, she may believe that this is a form of “humility”, and that it’s important to make ourselves seem small in the eyes of others.

With time, the child will adopt this same approach. It might look like humility at first, but before long, the child starts to believe that her successes are random, and that overall, she’s just not good at most things. She may think: “I just don’t have it.” Some girls in class are naturally gifted, but she’s simply not one of them.

A mother who belittles herself in front of others sends that message directly into her child’s heart. You might recall the story of the parents who asked the rabbi, “When should we start educating our one-year-old daughter?” And the rabbi replied: “Twenty years ago.”

We raise our children through a process of “overflow.” Whatever is in our inner world, spills into theirs. We can’t deny the power of personal example and we certainly can’t hope to increase our children’s self esteem, when our own is running dry.

It's never too late to begin investing in ourselves. When our supply of self-worth starts to overflow, it naturally waters the ground around us, reaching our children’s hearts and souls as well.

Bat-Sheva Adler is an emotional therapistCBT from the "Nafshi B’She'elati" department.