How to Boost Your Child's Self-Esteem (and Yours), Part 2: A Slip Is Not a Fall

Yossi is a sweet two-year-old boy who started walking when he was one. From the time he began walking, every time we went down the stairs, he would hold my hand. But today, I decided Yossi is ready to go down the stairs by himself without holding my hand.

Over the past month, there were times when Yossi tried to pull his hand away and go down on his own, but I didn’t allow it. I held on tightly. I knew that his desire to be independent was natural and healthy, but my maternal instinct told me he wasn’t quite ready yet. As long as I had doubts about his safety, I wasn’t willing to let him take that risk.

Until now, the message Yossi received from me was: "You’re not yet capable of going down safely on your own."

But today, I’m giving Yossi a “grown-up diploma.” I’ve decided he’s ready. How do I hand him the reins?

It all begins with my own inner confidence. When I am truly convinced that Yossi can do this, the first change happens inside me. Then I tell him: “Today, Yossi is really grown up. Yossi can go down the stairs by himself without holding Mommy’s hand.”

When he starts going down on his own, I express my excitement: “Wow! Yossi is going down all by himself!” Next, I’ll praise him in front of others: “Daddy, look how nicely Yossi is going down the stairs!”

If he stumbles on the last step, I don’t panic. I don’t decide it was a mistake to let him go down two full flights of stairs on his own just because of one little stumble. This began with my inner confidence that Yossi is capable, and one fall won’t shake that belief.

I still trust in his ability, and I’ll continue to reflect that belief to him. A single fall doesn’t destroy my confidence in him. In fact, I now have another job as his mother and educator- to teach Yossi that one stumble doesn’t define his ability.

I say: “Wow! Yossi went all the way down the stairs by himself! What a big boy!”

Yossi learns that one stumble doesn’t mean failure and that one mistake doesn’t mean he’s incapable. It means that Yossi is two years old- not a ten-year-old stair-climbing champion. He’s learning.

As parents, we have a special task to serve as a kind of mirror for our children by reflecting back to them their value and abilities. When we focus on what they can do and don’t fixate on their imperfections (because they’re kids!), we build their self-image.

We send them the message: “You’re capable. You can do many things. One mistake doesn’t mean you’re not capable.”

Imagine a kindergarten girl showing her mom a drawing. One reaction might be: “Nice, but the windows aren’t the same size. Shrink this one and add some grass.” Another might be: “What an amazing drawing! It’s so special! You’re a real artist!- and the drawing gets proudly hung on the fridge.

One stumble does not mean failure. It means that Yossi is just at the beginning. He’s not a master yet. We all sometimes stumble on that “last step” in some area of life. After all, “A righteous person falls seven times and rises again.”

Our task as parents is to

• Identify our child’s abilities

• Reflect our confidence in those abilities

• Encourage them to take on age-appropriate challenges

• Teach them that one stumble does not mean that they can’t succeed

Yossi is still going down the stairs by himself. Does he still stumble on the last step? Sometimes yes, sometimes no. Does that shake my inner confidence in him? Absolutely not!

We don’t get discouraged by stumbles. They don’t signal incapability, but remind us that we’re human (not angels), and we’re just at the beginning of the journey.

In my mind’s eye, I already see Yossi, in a suit and hat, confidently going down the stairs on the way to his bar mitzvah, with no missteps. That day will come, G-d willing. I’m not worried.

Bat-Sheva Adler is a CBT emotional therapist from the "Nafshi B'She'eilati" department.