How Social Stigma Can Hijack Your Life Decisions- and How to Break Free

Eli met me for counseling after being in the dating world (shidduchim) for a long time. He had started seeing a girl he genuinely liked, and everything seemed to be going well on her side. For him however, something was holding him back. He expressed that her family wasn’t as “distinguished” as he had hoped for, which deeply affected his ability to make a decision.

He explained that he knew in his head that he should move forward and that she was a great match for him, but emotionally, something was stopping him. After some probing he admitted that the issue was the stigma surrounding her family.

I told him to imagine that he met her on a deserted island where there was no social pressure, judgments, or opinions. "How would you feel then?” I asked.

He quickly replied: “It would feel amazing- such a sense of freedom. It would be so much easier to decide.”

It immediately became clear that his inability to move forward was simply due to the image attached to it. This thinking can hijack a person's ability to make decisions to the extent that they may push away the very things that are right for them.

As we dug deeper, it became clear that Eli had been living this way his entire life, and most of his decisions had been dicatated by the fear of judgment and “What will people say”? He had let society govern his actions, instead of tuning in to what was truly right for him.

Eli's parents raised him with that mentality, by constantly measuring his actions against public opinion and social norms. That mindset unfortunately had caused him a great deal of damage. Looking back, he realized that even his choice of yeshiva had been influenced by this. He had wanted to attend a different institution that suited him better, but his parents insisted on a more prestigious one because it was better recognized by the members of the community. His personal needs and preferences weren’t part of the conversation.

Eli came to recognize that much of his life had been lived for others, instead of for himself. Through therapy, he came to understand how much he had lost by living this way and he began to explore what he really wanted, and how he wanted to live moving forward.

Eventually, he found the courage to continue dating that same girl and he entered a new phase of life altogether. He understood that true freedom means to live as your authentic self, without being enslaved to social opinion or rigid expectations that don’t serve you.

For Eli, this wasn't just about one relationship but about reclaiming his own life. Letting go of the need to conform to everyone else’s standards, and instead, building a life rooted in honesty, clarity, and emotional independence.

Sometimes, the very thing we reject out of fear of what others will say, is the key to our happiness and freedom.

Ariel Goldstein is an emotional therapist on behalf of the "My Soul Inquired" department.