Personality Development
How to Overcome the Fear of Saying No: The Power of Assertiveness for Women
Learn Why Assertiveness Is Not Selfish and How It Strengthens Relationships
- Bat Sheva Adler
- פורסם כ"ט שבט התש"פ
(Photo: shutterstock) #VALUE!
Three Questions – One Answer
"Why did you agree to stay extra hours at work without pay?"
"Why did you agree- again- to babysit the neighbors’ kids all afternoon?"
"Why did you agree to host your sister-in-law for the entire holiday?"
One answer fits them all: “Because I didn’t feel comfortable saying no. It’s hard for me to say no.”
Why is it so hard to say "No"?
Some people feel a strong inner pressure to meet the expectations of others. They believe that if they refuse, they’ll disappoint or hurt someone, cause offense, spark anger, or even damage the relationship.
Most of the time, these fears are exaggerated. When a person sets boundaries respectfully, others usually respond with understanding and even appreciation. No one is actually as upset as we fear they’ll be.
And yet, many struggle with saying no. This is one symptom of a broader issue known as lack of assertiveness.
Signs of Low Assertiveness
People who aren’t assertive often experience:
Difficulty expressing desires, opinions, or asking for what they need
Trouble giving or receiving compliments
Low self-esteem
High sensitivity to criticism or disappointment
Verbal and body language that communicates weakness
Struggles to “stand their ground” or advocate for themselves
What Is Assertiveness?
According to the definition on Wikipedia, assertiveness is the ability to express beliefs and defend one’s rights without violating the rights of others. It’s a confident behavioral approach that fosters healthy, balanced relationships.
Assertiveness is clear, conscious, consistent, and respectful communication. It helps a person express themselves and protect their needs- without aggression or passivity- while acting from a place of self-confidence.
To be assertive means to take ownership of your life and choices, rather than being swept along by the expectations or decisions of others. It means you don’t fall into blame or victim thinking. Instead, you rely on your own judgment, while still being open to advice and support from those around you.
It also means striving for your full potential without criticizing others, using insults, or resorting to manipulation. Assertive behavior affirms your own worth, andrespects the worth of others.
Is Assertiveness Learned or Innate?
Surprisingly, we are all born assertive. A baby knows how to demand their needs loudly and clearly. They don’t apologize for crying when they’re hungry or tired and they don’t hold back from asking for what they need. As we grow up, we receive subtle (and not-so-subtle) messages that it’s not always okay to speak about our needs.
People generally respond to these messages in one of three ways:
Passive – gives up on their needs and erases their desires
Aggressive – demands what they want forcefully, disregarding others
Assertive – expresses needs and opinions with respect for others
Although stereotypes often link low assertiveness to women, many men struggle with it too. For the sake of this article, though, we’ll focus on women and how lack of assertiveness can affect them.
The Silent Cost of Self-Erasure
Many women find themselves stuck in this pattern. At home and at work, it affects their performance, self-esteem, marriage, and even their joy in life.
For a woman who is both a devoted wife and mother, giving is often her highest value. As time goes on, her own needs get pushed further down the priority list, and sometimes, they’re not on the list at all.
Women with low assertiveness tend to carry thought patterns such as:
“I don’t want to burden others with my problems.”
“If I talk about my needs, I’ll ruin my relationships.”
“It’s selfish to focus on what I want.”
“If I say no, I’ll hurt or disappoint someone.”
Alongside these self-imposed beliefs, some also misinterpret traditional Jewish values, like the saying, “A righteous woman does the will of her husband.” Taken to an extreme, this can lead a woman to believe she should never express her own desires, ultimately erasing them completely.
Eventually, she may find herself saying things like: "It really doesn’t matter what I think." or "I don’t even know what I want anymore- I’m so used to making everyone else happy."
As a therapist, I’ve heard these words from countless religious women struggling with emotional distress rooted in total self-negation. And I started to wonder: Is this really what Judaism expects of women? Does fulfilling your role as a wife and mother require you to erase yourself completely?
Twenty Assertive Women in Jewish Sources
The answer is a clear no. When I explored the Torah and Midrash, I discovered 20 assertive women who serve as powerful role models of courage and self-worth:
Sarah – told Abraham to send Hagar and Ishmael away; G-d affirmed her judgment.
Rebecca – dressed Jacob in Esau’s clothing to secure the blessing.
Rachel – gave her sister Leah the secret signs to protect her from shame.
Leah – prayed for a daughter rather than another son.
Shifra – defied Pharaoh and kept the babies alive.
Batya – saved baby Moses against her father’s decree.
Miriam – challenged her parents and led the women in song with tambourines.
Daughters of Tzelofchad – fought for their inheritance rights and changed halacha.
Deborah – prophetess and judge over all of Israel.
Yael – killed Sisera and delivered Israel.
Rahav – hid the spies and saved their lives.
Chana (mother of Samuel) – stood up to Eli and prayed with deep emotion.
Esther – risked her life to approach King Achashverosh uninvited.
Ruth – followed Naomi and bravely approached Boaz to marry her.
Chuldah – a prophetess whose words were recorded in the Bible.
Avigail – a prophetess who prevented bloodshed and guided King David.
Chana and her seven sons – gave their lives for their faith.
Yehudit – killed Holofernes and saved her people.
Beruriah – taught her husband, Rabbi Meir, a deeper perspective on mercy.
Rachel, wife of Rabbi Akiva – sent her husband to learn Torah at age 40 and changed Jewish history.
Each of these women stood up for their values and desires, often in the face of great risk. Their voices were respected by the greatest leaders of their time.
The Message for Today’s Jewish Women
This applies to us, the Jewish women today. Every woman must believe that she has value, and that she deserves to be respected. The first to grant her that respect must be herself.
We teach others how to treat us by how we treat ourselves. A woman who believes she has the right to her own thoughts and needs- and expresses them with dignity- will be respected by others as well. Some people may be surprised at first, but eventually, they will come to admire her.
They will see her as a full human being, not just someone who gives endlessly or comes last on her own list. A woman who knows how to express her needs respectfully and clearly, even in a friendly tone, will earn respect from her husband, her children, and her community.
One day, she may look back and ask herself: "Why didn’t I do this sooner? Everyone respects me more now. I thought they liked it better when I kept quiet- but they actually like me better when I respect myself. I guess I really do have a place in G-d’s world, too."
Bat-Sheva Adler is a CBT emotional therapist with the "Nafshi B'She'elati" department.
