Why Do Children Lie? Understanding the Roots and Rebuilding the Truth

Children, by nature, are closer to the truth than adults. Adults often develop “defense mechanisms” that help them bend reality and present themselves in a better light. Children, however, are inherently straightforward. Their innocence leads them to express things as they are because their initial worldview is black and white- they see only two sides: truth vs. lie, love vs. hate, strong vs. weak, religious vs. secular, Jew vs. non-Jew.

In this early cognitive state, children cannot yet grasp the “gray areas” in life and they therefore naturally cling to the truth. It's not unusual to hear a child say: “Mom said to say she’s not home,” or tell their teacher: “Mom said not to mention I took medicine this morning.”

When children do lie, it’s often because that innate distinction has been blurred. They’ve learned that lying brings rewards or avoids consequences. And from there, they may begin expanding the use of lies, at home, at school, with friends, and beyond.

When the definitions of “truth” and “lie” are clear and well-established, a child will more easily commit to one side and avoid the other because this aligns with their natural mental structure of the way they see the world. If they’re naturally inclined toward truth, it flows easily. To lie requires creative thinking, to invent a different version of reality, tell a new story, and thus engage the brain in more complex ways.

Truth is therefore the path of least resistance, unless the line between right and wrong has been blurred when lying becomes an escape, and the child experiences inner conflict and confusion.

It’s important to understand that gray areas do exist. Even in Jewish teachings, the Torah sometimes bends the truth for the sake of peace. But this is only valid after truth and lies have been properly defined and respected. The gray zone can only emerge in the space between well-differentiated truths and lies. A child who lies is not navigating gray areas, but are choosing the easier path because the distinction between truth and falsehood was never made clear to them.

Lying is an acquired skill. Children don’t instinctively know how to “bend the truth” or that some things are better left unsaid. They simply say what they see and what they believe to be true in the most innocent, literal way.

Lying is therefore a mental override of their default wiring. It involves consciously changing reality, utilizing cleverness rather than innocence. A child will only choose this path if the truth isn't serving them well, isn’t clearly defined, or if they haven’t been consistently trained to stay anchored in it. If we don't develop the truth-telling “muscle,” the mental space remains open, and the easier path of lying creeps in. Lies then tend to multiply because they bring immediate results.

What Can We Do When a Child Lies?

When a child begins to lie, it’s time to re-establish the boundary between truth and falsehood, and to actively reinforce it:

• Discuss the harm caused by lying. Gently help the child recall moments when lies backfired.

• Show them it’s not worth it in the long run. Encourage reflection about how lying affects trust, relationships, and self-esteem.

• Celebrate truth-telling every time it happens. Reward honesty to make it feel safe, valued, and worthwhile.

Sticking to the truth enables a child to live a stable, conflict-free life. Parents must model truthfulness themselves because children sense when we are inconsistent in our values. If we undermine rules we’ve set, we rob them of the security and clarity they need.

When a child must choose between truth and falsehood, they’ll opt for what has been modeled for them, and the one that feels most familiar. If that path is truth, they’ll walk it with confidence.

Inbal Elhayani, M.A, is a certified therapist in NLP, mindfulness, and guided imagery.