When Parents Depend on Their Children: Understanding and Overcoming Dependent Parenting

People often believe- rightly so- that parenting begins with the birth of the first child.

And yet, the way parenthood manifests, and the way a parent interacts with their children, often starts long before the day that they become a parent.

This is especially true for dependent parenting, where the parent becomes emotionally reliant on their children. The roots of this dynamic often lie in the parent's own unresolved identity issues, from a time before they ever had kids.

If I, as an individual, never fully developed my own sense of identity- if I’m unclear about my strengths or suppress my self-expression- I may begin to feel insignificant in my own eyes and believe others see me the same way. To fill that void and gain a sense of belonging, value, and purpose, I turn to those around me. I give endlessly and constantly try to please, so that others will give me meaning and acceptance in return.

Because I’m not conscious of this pattern, I don’t notice that the sense of meaning I receive is fleeting. I repeatedly feel empty and try again by giving more, helping more, serving more- chasing that feeling of worth. In this way, I unknowingly develop emotional dependency on others.

What Dependent Parenting Looks Like

The dependent parent devotes their entire life to their children. They are deeply involved in every aspect of their kids’ lives, often over-helping, even before being asked. They sacrifice their own needs and sometimes do everything for their children, rather than with them.

As a result, the children often become dependent themselves. By doing so, they don’t need to take responsibility or develop their full potential. They get used to minimal effort and seek help with the smallest tasks.

In some cases, the parent may subconsciously resist their child becoming too independent. After all, if the child doesn’t need them, the parent might feel irrelevant, and so they cling to control. “As long as I’m the expert, the helper, the go-to, my child needs me- and I feel important.”

This leads to a dangerous cycle where the parent unintentionally limits the child's growth in order to preserve their own sense of purpose.

Interestingly, this dynamic doesn’t always extend to all children equally. Dependent parents often bond more with the child who seems weaker or needier, because that child reinforces the parent’s role. Independent or strong-willed children, on the other hand, don’t “cooperate” with this system. Since they don't feed the parent's need for validation, communication with them may falter, or stop altogether.

Who's Really Dependent on Whom?

It may appear as if the child is dependent on the parent, but in truth, the reverse is often more accurate. As long as the child remains underdeveloped and unable to self-actualize, the parent continues to draw meaning from their caregiving role.

How to Break the Pattern

1. Awareness is the first step.
A parent must acknowledge that their child is an individual, and must be allowed to discover and rely on their own abilities. One day, they’ll need to manage their life without leaning on others.

As the saying goes: if you always fish for the child, they’ll starve when no one’s there to fish. Our job is not to fish for them, but to teach them how to fish.

2. Embrace struggle as part of growth.
Parents often fear their children’s failures or hardships and try to protect them by managing everything for them. Thiis smothers the child’s identity. When a child never gets to fall, they never learn how to rise. Crisis builds resilience, and helps the child discover who they really are.

3. Parents must ask themselves:
Am I dependent on my child to feel important? If so, they must begin to build their own identity and to find meaning outside of their role as caregiver.

4. Watch for power dynamics.
Children often recognize dependent parenting more quickly than their parents do. When they do, they may use it to manipulate the parent by refusing to cooperate unless they get something in return.

5. Create healthy space.
To foster a child’s independence, a parent must learn to give space- not as rejection, but as an act of love. Allow the child to struggle, experiment, fall, and rise. Only then will they learn to own their power.

By stepping back and letting children rise to their own challenges, parents not only allow their children to grow, but also begin to build a more grounded sense of meaning for themselves.

Inbal Elhayani, M.A, is a certified NLP and guided imagery therapist, writer, and lecturer in the field.