Behind the Mask: Understanding Narcissistic Personality Traits

A couple on the verge of divorce came to try and save their marriage. On the phone before we met, the husband said it seemed to him that his wife had a personality disorder, and that “maybe something can be done…”

In the session, the husband announced, “There’s really no need to examine myself, because I’m truly special, and that’s a fact!” Naturally, his wife “lost it.” That was her life (I’ve changed the story details, but stayed completely true to the core message). This is a narcissistic trait. It doesn’t automatically mean the person has a personality disorder, but it is a prime example of the central feature- “I’m special, I don’t make mistakes, I’m superior to all of you regular people.”

Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) is mainly characterized by a pattern of thought and behavior centered on maintaining a powerful self-image: “I am superior to regular people,” accompanied by a sense of entitlement- “The rules don’t apply to me because I’m special and capable of what others can’t do.” Their ability to empathize and to participate in the emotional experience of another is very limited, if not entirely absent.

One book on the topic (Toxic People by Dr. Alan Cavaiola and Dr. Neil Lavender) illustrates this well with a story about a narcissistic doctor who told his patient: “I have two pieces of news for you- one bad, and one good. Which would you like first?”
“Start with the bad news,” the patient replied.
“Well,” said the doctor, “you have one week to live!”
The shocked patient thought, If that’s the bad news, maybe the good news is that they found an experimental cure?
“And the good news?” he asked.
“The good news is,” said the self-absorbed doctor, “just yesterday, my fiancée and I decided to get married!”

Exploitation is another common trait. The narcissist sees the people around them as existing to serve, admire, and glorify them.

Often, the narcissist is charismatic, physically impressive, and highly talented. They can easily impress and even attract followers on first contact, but only until people begin to sense that they exist merely to feed the narcissist’s ego. Even if people can’t diagnose the personality, they often begin to feel uncomfortable around them after a while.

Many people end up in marriages with such individuals- initially blinded by their strength, confidence, and charisma. The lower the other partner’s self-worth, the more likely they are to fall into the trap. Later, it becomes harder to clearly identify the problem, and even harder to leave. I’ve seen people who only realized how “strange” their spouse was (without being able to name it) after many years- sometimes decades- of a shaky relationship.

The confidence and superiority the narcissist projects often covers deep internal feelings of defectiveness. This is how they cope with unconscious beliefs such as: “I’m inferior, defective, weak, unworthy of love, and alone.” These are painful feelings to carry and therefore from a young age, they learn to cope using “compensatory schemas”- a set of life patterns that mask these negative beliefs.

These compensations revolve around specialness and superiority. They feel: “I’m a unique person, one of a kind (maybe comparable only to some celebrity or another)”, and “It’s important for others to be exposed to my great wisdom, so I can generously bestow my uniqueness on them.”

Another common problem is low self-control. In emotionally difficult moments, they may explode in rage, blame everyone else, or retreat into alcohol, gambling, overwork, excessive and inappropriate internet use, or other destructive behaviors. In their eyes, this behavior is perfectly fine, because “everything is allowed” for them even if it hurts a spouse, children, or colleagues.

They often go out of their way to showcase their material or “spiritual” assets. Competition is a big part of their identity- “I must be better than everyone: more attractive, more impressive.” Sometimes even choosing a partner is based on how much they will impress others. All of this is just another layer protecting them from their deep inner feelings of inadequacy. It’s how they’ve learned to survive- often as a result of messages they received from their parents.

Perfectionism is another common trait. They settle for nothing less than the best performance, because only then do they feel worthy. Subordinates working under them often suffer greatly: if something goes wrong, the employee is always to blame.

They tend to market their “wisdom” in every possible field. They see themselves as “all-knowing,” even when they don’t understand a thing about the topic. In conversations, they often dominate- either through manipulation or, when necessary, verbal aggression. They do this without giving any weight to others’ perspectives.

Their sense of superiority makes them feel above the law. In extreme cases, this can lead to physical aggression. I once encountered someone who proudly told me how he physically threatened someone older than him. He wasn’t ashamed- he thought it was obvious that this was the proper way to act.

And of course, they’re never wrong. They have no issue hurting others in order to maintain the image that they’ve never made a mistake. This trait, like many of the others listed, can seriously damage any organization they work in. Their way of handling criticism is to avoid it, ignore it, or punish the one who dared to question them.

Feelings of sadness, remorse, guilt, or frustration are seen as weaknesses. They struggle to talk about emotions at all- especially their own.

A major issue with this disorder is that people with it don’t usually seek treatment, because they believe they’re living life “the right way.” The few who do seek therapy are usually pressured by a spouse threatening divorce or by emotional collapse, etc. Even then, they are challenging clients for any therapist.

This disorder is often formed in individuals who were raised in environments that glorified external success, didn’t teach empathy, and invalidated the child’s inner worth. Today, many believe narcissism is on the rise. Dr. Daniel Goleman writes in Social Intelligence (Chapter 8): “It’s possible that modern society, which glorifies the idea of ‘me above all’ and idolizes celebrity figures driven by greed and vanity, unintentionally promotes the rise of such personalities...Unrealistic self-aggrandizement comes more easily in cultures that promote individualistic ambition rather than shared success. Societies like the U.S. and Australia tend to encourage the pursuit of fame and individual achievement along with its rewards.”

The damaging outcomes of modern society’s values are also hinted at in research suggesting (though not conclusively) that excessive exposure to social media increases narcissistic tendencies (see Cognitive Therapy and Personality Disorders, Chapter 14, A. Beck et al., Hebrew edition). Personally, I believe that aimless browsing, with no clear purpose can increase narcissistic traits because it centers a person’s focus inward, often into negative or self-absorbed content.

Judaism’s values of humility, social responsibility, and rejection of pride directly counteract the formation of this disorder.

[Don’t rely on this information to decide upon or diagnose any individual. If necessary, diagnosis is provided by a psychiatrist.]

Hagai Tzadok practices psychotherapy and marriage counseling.