"The ‘I Feel Like It’ Generation: A Crisis of Choice and Identity"

It may seem like a small, insignificant phrase, but it encapsulates an entire educational philosophy and reveals a major communication failure in how values are transmitted. The phrase "I feel like it" or "I don’t feel like it" conveys the message that “I’m the boss of myself, and I choose based solely on my whims.”

The “I feel like it” culture evolved through parenting dynamics. We can identify two types of parenting that often lead to this attitude.

The Controlling Parent

This type of parent is critical, domineering, and unable- or unwilling- to tolerate a reality different from what they had envisioned. For instance, if a child expresses a desire to no longer be religious, the parent struggles to respond supportively. They panic when facing an unexpected reality and lack the tools to deal with it. Such parents can't accept that their child has free will or that personal growth might take a different path and they therefore double down with control and punishment.

In this context, opposition from the child can actually be a positive sign. It shows they have the strength to assert themselves, to think independently, and to push back when needed. When a child’s ability to say “no” is shut down early in life, it stunts their future capacity for resilience.

When parenting is too forceful, the “I don’t feel like it” response becomes extreme. The child begins to see themselves in a battle for their identity. The more resistance they show, the more they feel they’ve won against the parent’s perceived threat to their selfhood, even if it means harming themselves in the process.

This sets up a subconscious pattern so that every time they feel pressured, they push back. Over time, their entire sense of identity becomes centered on resistance and they begin to rebel not only against strict rules, but against any framework, simply to feel free. Ironically, even good, healthy choices feel like coercion and are therefore rejected.

Even when these children know what’s right, something inside pulls them to do the opposite, resulting in confusion, regret, and emotional turmoil. Only after decisions have been made, do they recognize that they didn’t choose based on real desire or values, but simply as a reaction. They become aware that their “choices” are actually driven by the need to defy.

The Permissive Parent

The permissive parent avoids conflict, has given up their authority, and often doesn’t even voice their opinion. This parent is passive, detached, and has come to terms with the idea that “the child will do whatever they want.”

They don’t clarify their values, they back down at the first sign of resistance, and they struggle to put ideals into action. This leaves the child with too much freedom, and they naturally choose whatever is easiest, because they’ve never needed to challenge themselves.

Even if the child eventually realizes that these choices don’t lead to success or fulfillment, they will keep choosing them because, in the short term, it feels like a victory over the system. In the long term, they are left with disappointment and missed potential.

In the “I feel like it” culture, individuals either I have too much freedom, or none at all. Living this way causes a person to lose the ability to make authentic choices. They no longer choose what they truly want- they simply react.

The Solution: Restore the Power of Choice

Humans are born with the ability to choose. When someone takes that power away, it feels like an attack on my identity and autonomy, and my instinct to resist kicks in. Forcing a person’s choices turns them into a robot.

To reverse this damage, we must give children back the power to choose- especially in small, conflict-free areas (such as what to put on their sandwich or which shirt to wear). When kids feel that their choices are respected, they become more open to guidance in larger matters. Restoring choice shows trust, and say, “I believe you can choose well". Once that trust is felt, children are more likely to make good decisions out of internal motivation, not just defiance.

For the permissive parent, this also means re-establishing communication and boundaries. When there are no limits, kids may feel unseen, and may act out just to get attention. Even negative attention becomes a reward, reinforcing extreme behaviors.

Two types of parenting foster the “I feel like it” mindset: the overly controlling parent and the overly permissive parent. Both instill a subconscious drive to resist authority, no matter what is being asked. The child’s sense of identity becomes defined by opposition.

• For the controlling parent: Reintroduce choice in small, meaningful ways and expand from there.

• For the permissive parent: Reinstate healthy boundaries and foster real communication.

While this article focuses on parenting, the same concepts apply to education systems, workplaces, and other structured environments. Both restriction of choice and unchecked freedom create resistance.

True growth happens when people are allowed to choose- not as a rebellion, but as an expression of who they really are.

Inbal Elhayani, M.A, is a certified therapist in NLP, mindfulness, and guided imagery.