Living Beyond Pain: Third Article in the Series

As mentioned in a previous article, a person suffering from chronic pain sometimes finds that the pain has become a “program". The pain may be very real, but it can also turn into a set routine where every evening, he sits in his armchair and complains about his pain. In such a case, the person will find it difficult to part from the complaints because they have become part of his daily life, and he cannot imagine functioning without them.

In situations like this, it may be helpful to initiate change artificially, such as designating three evenings a week to sit on the couch and allow himself to complain, while the rest of the evenings are set aside for a different, more constructive activity. The idea here is that complaints are natural, as long as they’re kept under control.

This may sound strange, as if it turns complaining into an artificial activity, but this is not necessarily a bad thing. We often schedule time to feel something artificially. We set wedding dates and designate hours for joy. We join dancing circles during Simchat Torah and begin to feel joyful from the moment we start to move. Even our Shabbat family meals, with their aura of warmth and connection, are pre-scheduled. These are not fake emotions, but pre-set times to give real feelings a space to be expressed.

In the same vein, a person suffering from chronic pain can designate certain times to express negative emotions, while deciding that the rest of their time will be focused on more positive engagements. This helps reinforce the belief that meaningful life exists beyond the pain.

When a person complains constantly, they frustrate their environment and begin to see the pain as the entirety of their existence. That perception can be even more damaging than the pain itself, leading to despair and depression- and this mental state intensifies the experience of pain. As the Baal Shem Tov taught: “Where a person’s thoughts are—there he is” (Keter Shem Tov).

When the sufferer learns to focus on the positive parts of life, they gradually learn to shrink the pain down to its actual proportions and not let it define them. They should train themselves to talk about more than just the pain, both internally and with others. Simple positive statements such as “I had a great morning today,” “That class was excellent,” or “Prayer felt really uplifting”, can help shift the mental balance.

The point is not to say things that aren’t true, but to find and highlight real bright spots and give them more weight in the mental landscape. Even small, joyful moments can be powerful.

The Ramban (Nahmanides) interprets Abraham’s challenge during Sarah’s burial in a similar way. Even while grieving, and despite needing to negotiate to buy a burial plot in the land promised to him, Abraham focused on the good- that the Hittites respected him, calling him “a prince of G-d among us.” He recognized that G-d’s promise to “make your name great” was being fulfilled, and that honor could be used to influence others for good (as explained by the Sforno).

Abraham was called to highlight and amplify the little bit of light and to shrink the darkness.

Making Peace With Pain

Another helpful approach is to befriend the pain.

During moments of pain, the sufferer can sit or lie down, and focus on slow, deep relaxation breathing. Inhale through the nose, hold the breath for a few seconds, then exhale slowly through the mouth, all while mindfully focusing on the area of pain. This can last for just a few minutes.

Instead of resisting the pain and thinking, “When will this be over?” or “I can’t take it anymore,” the person is encouraged to tune in and actually feel it. This won’t make the pain disappear, but it sends a powerful message to the soul: the pain is real, but I am not afraid of it. It bothers me, but it doesn’t destroy me.

This message can shift the emotional reality: the pain exists, but the person is stronger. They are above it- not running from it, but containing it. The more one learns to contain the pain, the more one adjusts to it, and the more bearable it becomes. As the Or HaChaim writes in Parashat Vayigash: “The cure for suffering is acceptance.” Stop trying to resist it- keep living, despite the specific area of pain or difficulty. Don’t let the pain become everything.

Avoid Extremes

People tend to swing to one of two extremes. One response to chronic pain is to give up entirely, to sink into despair, abandon responsibilities, wallow in self-pity, and eventually lose self-worth and confidence.

Another extreme is to do the opposite: to power through everything, never adjust, never admit anything is wrong, and try to live like nothing has changed. This may include rejecting any special care or accommodations, in a constant effort to maintain control and avoid vulnerability.

Both responses reflect the same issue of extremism which rarely leads to a good outcome.

To live well with chronic pain, you must find balance. This means accepting some degree of self-pity- it’s okay to cry, to feel angry, or even bitter sometimes. These emotions can play a healthy role in the healing process. But at the same time, the person must be willing to gently adjust expectations, reassess priorities, and accept necessary compromises.

Balance is the golden path. It defines the space between victimhood and functioning, between helplessness and wholeness.