Boundaries and Identity: Defining a Child's Self

Boundaries are an integral part of our lives. Even if we don’t consciously create them, we are surrounded by them in every aspect of our environment.

A garden is enclosed by a fence, drawing a line between what is inside and what is outside. Boundaries exist in time as well- our sages note that “once its time has passed, the offering is void". Holidays, for example, are set apart from ordinary days by boundaries of time.

At its essence, a boundary is a point in space where order begins to converge. When I set a limit for myself at a specific point, I draw a dividing line between who I am and who I am not.

Boundaries not only restrict, they also define. They form the framework through which I understand myself and my relationship to the world around me.

There are two elements that make up a boundary: separation and uniqueness.

• Separation is the point at which I consciously choose not to resemble others. It answers the question: “What am I not?” Where do I draw the line between myself and my surroundings? But separation alone is not enough. It creates a void- I've chosen not to be something, but I haven’t yet defined what I am.

• Uniqueness fills that void. It answers the question: “What am I?” What have I chosen to embrace as my own that makes me distinct from others?

Through both separation and uniqueness, I define the place in space where I choose to exist- a convergence of what I am not, and what I am. This becomes the core from which I interact with the outside world. It becomes my inner identity and my definition of self.

Children who do not know what is forbidden or where the limits lie do not form that initial wall of separation. As a result, a void emerges that is quickly filled with whatever the environment offers.

Worse still is when no sense of uniqueness is instilled- when the child has no understanding of what makes them special. A stable identity requires both dimensions.

According to the Tanya (a foundational Chassidic work), human expression flows through three “garments of the soul”: thought, speech, and action. When a child internalizes values in thought, it naturally influences how they speak and how they behave.
For example: If I believe health is important, I will likely speak against products that undermine health (like alcohol, cigarettes, junk food), and choose to act accordingly, by eating nutritious foods. In doing so, I separate myself from groups that engage in unhealthy habits.

When children lack these guiding boundaries of separation and uniqueness, it can lead to internal confusion, instability, impulsivity, and identity crises. A child may uphold religious values one day and discard them the next. For teens, the situation worsens in that goals are unclear, decision-making is difficult, and there is a constant sense of inner chaos.

When boundaries are absent, the child lacks a clear identity and may feel they don’t truly exist. On a global level, this leads to a painful sense of insignificance and invisibility which can manifest as depression, lack of motivation, and a sense of purposelessness.

Boundaries aren't just rules- they help define who we are. They give us a personal space (mentally and emotionally) from which we interact with the world. For children especially, this clarity is essential to form a strong, stable identity.

What if we haven’t set boundaries until now?

1. Start with Separation (What I am not):
Create simple, age-appropriate “nos” around universally agreed dangers or behaviors (e.g., “We don’t stick things in outlets”). Repetition builds awareness. With time, the circle of boundaries expands.

2. Build Uniqueness (What I am):
Focus on the child’s successes. If they did something well, ask:
“What in you helped you succeed?” This helps the child recognize inner strengths and begin to see what sets them apart in a positive way.

A child raised with both boundaries and uniqueness will internalize a strong, clear answer to the question, “Who am I?”, and grow into an adult capable of fully realizing their potential.

Inbal Elhayani, M.A, is a certified NLP and guided imagery therapist.