How Can We Help Those Suffering from Chronic Pain? Part Two in a Series

When supporting individuals who live with chronic pain, it's important to offer an alternative approach that may help improve their quality of life, by focusing on areas of life that are not defined by the pain.

To be clear, trying to simply ignore chronic pain is unlikely to succeed. However, it is certainly possible to avoid allowing pain to become the central theme of one’s life and instead shift the focus to other, brighter aspects that are not linked to suffering.

For example, a person suffering from chronic pain may begin to identify solely as “someone who suffers.” This label becomes the essence of how they perceive themselves. But with reflection, they may realize they also possess many other, far more positive and encouraging identities such as a dedicated parent, a loving spouse, a skilled professional, and more.

This doesn’t mean denying the reality of suffering, but when a person begins to view their identity more broadly, encompassing areas in which they find meaning and fulfillment, they gain the strength to carry on, even when “suffering” is one of their characteristics.

A powerful example of this comes from the biblical figure Joseph. Whether in Potiphar’s house or in prison, he was never only a “slave” or “prisoner.” He was also, and most importantly, a “successful man.” Despite extreme hardship, Joseph never let his suffering define him. He remained connected to his higher identity and purpose, continuing to function and grow even in difficult circumstances.

Of course, this approach won’t eliminate the pain or magically dissolve the challenge. The pain is still present, and dealing with it can remain very difficult. But when suffering is not the entirety of a person’s self-concept, they discover they are much more than just “someone in pain.” Their identity expands far beyond the suffering they experience.

The Power of Positive Distraction

The more a person focuses on their suffering, the harder it becomes to build a meaningful life. This can lead to despair, depression, and disconnection, which also impacts loved ones. When the person manages to focus on other fulfilling areas of life, they may discover within themselves the tools to grow despite the pain.

Interestingly, in some cases, people with chronic pain find that they can distract themselves from the pain, at least partially. Positive distractions can be very effective: they shift the brain’s focus, reducing the intensity of the pain experience. It’s worth exploring whether, at any given moment, the current level of pain allows for a redirection of attention, even if only slightly.

A key goal for anyone living with chronic pain should be quality of life. This isn’t a luxury, but a valid and necessary objective worth striving for. Instead of settling for “just getting through the day,” the aspiration should be to live meaningfully, grow, and develop.

Admittedly, it takes courage to imagine life beyond the pain and to aim for a high-quality life in moments when the pain feels all-consuming. But by setting this as a direction and goal, there’s a real chance that life can indeed grow beyond the boundaries of suffering.

The Golden Path

Naturally, the loved ones of a person in chronic pain may become overwhelmed by the burden of suffering. They may begin to see it as the whole reality, which can ultimately affect their ability to provide support. The golden path is to show empathy and respect for the pain, without becoming consumed by it.

This certainly doesn’t mean ignoring the pain, but not stopping there. It means maintaining conversations and shared experiences that go beyond the pain. Sometimes, the person suffering begins to believe that pain is all there is, and helping them see otherwise can be transformative.

For example, a woman whose husband suffers from chronic pain might say: “I know there are painful moments, and I understand the difficulty. I support you, but I also want us to talk about other areas of our life, even amidst the pain.”

Such a statement communicates empathy and respect, while also setting healthy boundaries that prevent both partners from being swallowed by the pain. This not only improves the sufferer's own perception of life, but also helps preserve the well-being and capacity of their support system.

Of course, those in pain need empathy and understanding. It’s important to talk about the pain, but not only about the pain. Constant focus on suffering can exhaust even the most well-intentioned supporters.

A Final Thought

Sometimes, a person with chronic pain may realize that the pain has become their “operating system.” Without minimizing the severity of the pain, it’s possible that the suffering has become routine- they sit in their chair and speak endlessly about their aches and discomfort.

Over time, the complaints become a core part of their identity, making it difficult to imagine life without them.

In the next article, we’ll explore how to gently transition away from that mindset and open the door to a broader, more hopeful self-concept.