Building Belief: How to Nurture a Child's Sense of Capability

Life is full of challenges and our ability to succeed depends greatly on how capable we feel in facing difficulties. One of the greatest gifts we can give our children is therefore a strong sense of self-efficacy.

If I believe I can handle the challenge in front of me, I’ll likely see it as an opportunity, instead of a wall. I’ll be more focused and mentally engaged, drawing on my inner resources because I believe I can succeed and this will push me to invest more effort, because I know it’s worth it. Even if I fail, I’ll likely attribute the failure to the method I used, or perhaps a mistake in my approach, which means I can try again with better insight.

Experience shows that many adults who suffer from mental health issues like anxiety or depression often have a low sense of self-efficacy. Part of the therapeutic work with them is therefore rebuilding this very belief. On the flip side, people who thrive in life, often have a strong sense of capability. The more a person believes in their own capability, the happier, more successful, and more fulfilled they tend to be.

Imagine the following scene: a mother is sitting with her young son, who’s drawing a picture. She sees the picture and isn’t satisfied because she wants her child to succeed in everything, and so she helps her son. She draws the face for him, “fixes up” the house he drew, and says, “See? That’s how you draw nicely!”

Perhaps this isn’t a one-time thing, but this takes place often. What message does the child receive from this approach? “You can’t do it on your own(!) You need help to succeed.” The secondary message is: “Things only have value if they’re perfect.”

Teaching a child that perfectionism matters may increase the risk that they’ll avoid doing things unless they’re sure they’ll be perfect and leads to frustration over performance: “It’s still not good enough…” If this continues over time in various ways, the child eventually starts to believe the message.

He’ll believe that he’s not capable on his own and may become someone who initiates less and puts in less effort (“Why bother if I’ll fail anyway?”), and he derives less satisfaction- because without overcoming challenges, there is no real fulfillment. He may grow up to be dull and disengaged- and perhaps even develop anxiety or depression at a young age. We see such cases in therapy.

The situation becomes even more complicated if one of the parents is prone to stress or worry. Without realizing it, they can indirectly send a message that “life is hard,” and that challenges are unpleasant or even dangerous. This can deepen the child’s sense of helplessness.

What can we do instead?

1. Model courage in the face of difficulty.
Children learn more from our behavior than from our words. They should see us facing challenges with confidence. Around the Shabbat table, for instance, share a personal story about a difficulty you overcame, and the satisfaction it brought. Convey that hardship is not a bad thing; it's part of life. Often it comes uninvited, but it can strengthen us, push us forward, and lead to fulfillment. Without challenge, we’d miss out on self-growth. It’s uncomfortable, but sometimes worth embracing.

2. Make challenge a game.
Play a game where each person shares a small challenge they overcame. Compliment your child for their effort (within reason). This reinforces the idea that trying matters.

3. Praise real, not perfect.
Celebrate every success, no matter how small. Don’t wait for spectacular achievements- focus on what your child can do. Acknowledge effort and progress and gently push them with the encouragement of “You can do it!” This provides them with repeated experiences of success, which builds their sense of self-efficacy. When they believe in themselves, they’ll invest more, and exceed expectations.

Don't overpraise.
Endless, unearned praise backfires and eventually, they’ll stop believing you. Praise must be realistic and within proper bounds.

4. Let them draw crooked houses.
Let them go outside the lines and teach them that success doesn’t require perfection. It’s worth succeeding, even if it’s not perfect.

Hagai Tzadok is involved in psychotherapy and marriage counseling.