Personality Disorders: The Painful Reality Behind the Smile

Over the years, I’ve encountered quite a few people with personality disorders. But lately I’ve been hearing more and more shocking, almost surreal stories.

And yet, even reasonably pleasant people can live with deeply distorted perspectives that they believe to be absolutely true, but that can deeply harm themselves and those around them.

You might sit next to them in synagogue or be their friend, and not even realize that they’re struggling with a severe personality disorder. They may be highly charismatic to the world, while their closest family members suffer. People often say “He’s such a good guy! So smart! He couldn’t possibly do something so harmful…”

Because it can be difficult to identify these individuals, even professionals can fall for the charming “honey trap” that they present. Treating someone with such a disorder is a tremendous challenge, and not always possible. These individuals don't show up to therapy to help themselves, but only to "fix" their partner.

Awareness is Key

Almost every case of a personality disorder involves a history of parental neglect or abuse. When an individual has a personality disorder, they may be convinced that they are being wronged when the opposite is true. They may destroy their child and still feel 100% certain that they are a brilliant, exemplary parent.

Ask yourself: Do people close to me tend to distance themselves?Do I have frequent conflicts at work, in my building, or elsewhere?Do I often think people are jealous of me, or that I’m jealous of them? It's important to reflect and review our interactions to ensure that we are doing right by ourselves and those around us.

You may know the story about the man whose wife calls him in a panic:

"Are you on Highway 1?"
"Yes, why?"
"They just announced there’s a madman driving the wrong way- be careful!"
The husband replies angrily: “Just one?! Everyone here is driving the wrong way!”

The challenge with personality disorders is that no matter how much you want to help from a place of love, in their eyes, they are the logical one and everyone else is messed up.

For anyone who finds themselves dealing with a person like this, it is best to distance yourself as much as possible. Their thinking and behavior don’t follow predictable rules, and their boundaries (if they exist) are not like yours. Often it becomes nearly impossible to respond effectively without getting hurt.

Haggai Zadok is involved in psychotherapy and marriage counseling.