Overcoming Shyness and Shame: A Path to Confidence and Personal Growth

For many people, shame becomes a barrier to life- a block in social relationships and in their own self-confidence.

To overcome this barrier, one must understand the inner workings of a shy person's mind. Shy individuals need more time to adapt to new situations like social events, new jobs, and the like. It is therefore important for shy people to be patient with themselves and not harshly judge or blame themselves for taking longer to feel comfortable. While it's true that it may take them more time to succeed in new situations, most do eventually find their place socially or professionally.

A slower pace doesn’t mean a block to success, it simply means that success requires patience.

Shy people tend to make unrealistic comparisons. For example, at a crowded event, they will focus on the most socially successful person and compare themselves to them. It is crucial that they do not compare themselves to others- especially not to highly social individuals.

The correct approach is to compare themselves only to themselves, aiming for a gradual improvement of just 10% over the previous experience. When a person compares themselves to someone far ahead, they become more anxious than successful, which is a fast track to frustration, disappointment, and unnecessary self-doubt.

Shy people also tend to believe that others are constantly judging them. Since they are so focused on their own flaws, they assume others are doing the same, and evaluating them on whether they’re good enough.

Additionally, they often hold a core belief that others are inherently better than they are- not because others are so amazing, but because the shy person feels flawed. They fixate on their own shortcomings and assume others see them as unworthy, even though they know, intellectually, that everyone has challenges. They don’t internalize that truth, and instead they see others as more “suitable for the world” than themselves.

Sometimes people idolize others as a way to escape from dealing with their own flaws they believe they can never fix. They become so focused on their weaknesses, that they lose faith in their ability to improve. What could be viewed as a challenge turns into despair. When they see someone else succeed, they elevate that person to “magical” status- a being without struggle or flaws.

It’s important for shy people to stop running endless internal dialogues in their heads and constantly analyzing social situations: “Was I right or wrong?”, “Do they like me?”, “Will they care what I said?”, “What did they mean when they said that?” The more a person overthinks in this way, the more they start believing these imagined thoughts, even if they’re far from reality. They begin doubting their own worth all because of a false narrative they created themselves.

When a shy person is in a group, they may feel like everyone can see their inner tension. This is their own experience based on their distorted perspective. Most people are not paying close attention to them because they are wrapped up in their own thoughts. Even if others do sense some nervousness, it doesn’t matter nearly as much as the shy person imagines. Their internal measurement is simply off.

If someone is in a mixed group (some familiar people, some new), they don’t need to force themselves to connect with strangers immediately. It’s perfectly fine to start with the familiar faces and gradually expand outward.

The courage to overcome shame is a vessel for receiving the Torah. The Talmud (Beitzah 25b) says the Torah was given to the Jewish people because they are the “boldest of the nations,” like the dog is among animals. Maharsha explains: even a dog can bark at an elephant.

Most nations didn't believe they could handle the Torah. Each nation had a reason- for example, Esau couldn't accept “Do not murder”. The Jewish people believed they had more inner strength than what appears on the surface, and declared: “We will do and then we will understand.” Like the dog barking at the elephant, Israel accepts a Torah that seems beyond their grasp.

This boldness is the willingness to act beyond instinct. First we do, and only afterward, we understand and feel the beauty of it.

The righteous Rabbi Meir Chadash taught that Esau didn’t want the birthright because he feared: “I am going to die.” After all, the priestly service (done by firstborns) could lead to death if done improperly. This fear led him to reject the birthright altogether.  Rather than sit with the shame of “I could do more, but I’m not,” he preferred to dismiss the ideal entirely. That is the meaning of “Esau despised the birthright”- he diminished the ideal to make peace with his current self.

This is similar to what the Talmud (Shabbat 88b) says about when Moses ascended to receive the Torah. The angels asked, “What is a human doing among us?” G-d told Moses, “Answer them.”

Why should Moses respond, and not G-d? Because if Moses isn’t ashamed to answer even angels, then the Torah is truly his. Indeed, the Torah belongs to Moses, and to his people.