The Roots of Jealousy and the Gift of Perspective

“A Generous Eye Will Be Blessed” (Proverbs 22:9) King Solomon teaches us that a person who is happy when others receive good will himself be blessed by G-d, measure for measure.

If someone is envious or begrudges his friend’s success, he receives the opposite of blessing. As the Sages said (Bava Kama 92a), “Whoever prays for another is answered first.”

What Causes Jealousy?

There are three main causes of jealousy:

1. The belief that if we had what someone else has, we’d be better off. People think, “If only I had what my friend has- his calm wife, his orderly home- my life would be so much better.” “If only I had a nice apartment like his, I’d have peace of mind to serve G-d.” “If my kids were as calm as his, I’d raise them to be Torah scholars.” “If I had the family connections he does, I’d be a famous Rosh Yeshiva today.”

2. The belief that what others receive comes at our expense. If someone buys a nice home, we feel as if it was taken from us. If someone receives wisdom, we feel we’re being shortchanged. If his store gets more customers, we feel ours is losing.

3. Pride. The proud person always wants to be above everyone else. If a rabbi sees more people attending a colleague’s class, jealousy and pride creep in: “He doesn’t deserve more students than me- I’m better.”
   If his roommate marries a “better” woman, he’ll think: “This guy barely shows up to prayer and spent all his time in the coffee room!” If someone else has kids and he hasn’t yet, he might say: “It’s because of his wife,” all while believing he’s the better person.

People rarely envy what is far above their own reach- but because of inner pride, they’ll still find fault in everyone else’s success. This makes their life miserable, because every other person’s success is a personal blow.

How to Cure Jealousy

The solution to the first cause: Rabbi Akiva taught (Berachot 60b), “One should always say: everything G-d does is for the best.”
You’ve heard the phrase, “The neighbor’s grass is always greener.”
As kids, we always thought our friend’s popsicle looked tastier- until we tasted it and realized ours was better. This instinct likely stems from a lack of awareness of G-d’s love.

It’s All Good

If we only understood how deeply G-d loves us and how boundless His mercy is, we’d know that what we have is truly what’s best for us. A person who loves you completely and infinitely will only give you exactly what is right for you.

Consider a mother’s love for her child that develops from carrying him for nine months and caring for him afterward. Compare that to G-d, who created us from nothing and placed a piece of Himself within us. He sustains us at every moment, even after we’re grown and married. How much greater is His love?

Indeed, sometimes it’s hard to see the good. For example someone married to a “loud” spouse, who yells over every mistake and sometimes even hurts their partner. Or a good wife married to a lazy husband who shows no interest in her well-being, and responds to her concerns with verbal attacks. Both may ask: “Where’s the good in this? Look at the neighbors- they are so peaceful!” (Of course, no one truly knows what happens in others’ homes.)

A man once married a woman he claimed was perfect. She would gladly bring him a drink from the kitchen, even if he was just a few steps away. He lived a pampered, peaceful life, convinced the world revolved around him.

But then, tragically, his wife fell ill and passed away. After some time, he remarried. The second wife? Not only did she not respond to every request- she had a particularly loud voice and “tormented” him (his words).

I listened to him speak and thought to myself: G-d really loves this man. His first wife, though loving, unknowingly fed his ego, inflating his sense of self-worth. As his pride grew, he forgot humility. The Talmud (Sotah 5a) teaches: “G-d says of the arrogant: I cannot dwell in the same space with him.” So G-d, in His kindness, brought her to the next world and left the man alone- to wake him up. When that didn’t work, He sent him the best match possible: someone who would show him his true self. As the man later said, “She made me feel like a nobody.”

Just as you wouldn’t feed a two-year-old a gourmet steak- not because it isn’t good, but because it could harm him- so too, someone who covets another’s spouse should remember: not every “beautiful” dish is suitable for you.

If G-d gave you your wife- or gave you your husband- they are the very best partner for you in this world.