Letting Go of What Was: When Holding On to the Past Hurts the Present

When Shimon ran into Shaul, his longtime friend, he sighed inwardly and mustered every bit of patience he had. Conversations with Shaul had become emotionally charged lately, he remembered, although Shaul hadn’t always been the complaining type.

As Shimon quietly wondered what had caused the change in his old friend, Shaul launched into his usual string of grievances: about the unfriendly neighbors in the new neighborhood he’d moved to, the exhausting flights of stairs up to his apartment, the challenges with his children’s school staff, and especially the lack of a nearby health clinic, forcing him to take long bus rides for basic medical care.

Shimon had heard it all before. The examples changed, but the pattern stayed the same. Whether Shaul was criticizing his son's school principal or belittling a teacher’s suggestion for extra tutoring, whether it was about today's long trip with his feverish baby or last week’s sore throat that sent him rushing across town- it was all cut from the same cloth.

Shimon felt full, even overloaded. He bit back a sarcastic comment rising in his throat. Then a deeper question hit him: Why? Why can’t Shaul- smart and insightful as he is- see that his constant complaints are poisoning his own life?

As a loyal friend, Shimon knew he had to say something, as uncomfortable as it might be.

"Shaul," he asked, "have you noticed what our conversations have been about lately?"

Shaul didn’t seem to get it- or perhaps didn’t want to admit that he did. The ringtone from Shimon’s phone saved them from the awkward silence, and they parted with thoughtful expressions.

What’s Really Behind It?

Shaul’s behavior likely reflects a basic difficulty in adjusting to change. Moving to a new home means operating in unfamiliar ways- something that can be easy for some and emotionally draining for others. The logistical challenges are real, but so is the emotional toll. Life transitions often call for inner strength just to keep up.

But it’s not only the difficulty of adapting that’s weighing Shaul down. Often, when people go through major changes, they cling fiercely to their former lives. They hold on to old habits and ways of thinking, trying to preserve the past as if it were still current. They resist the natural drift of “out of sight, out of mind,” desperately trying to hold on to what they loved.

They work hard to maintain what was, but often end up frustrated. The past doesn’t return, and trying to relive it only worsens their current struggles. The result is a downward spiral of disappointment, making them more bitter, critical, and constantly discontent- even if they weren’t negative by nature.

How Do We Break Free?

The first step is awareness. Once someone realizes that the hardships they’re experiencing post-change aren’t inherently huge, just unfamiliar, they’re already in a better place. As the saying goes: identifying the problem is half the solution.

But that’s not enough. Looking wisely at the past helps us realize that “the past is no longer.” It can be incredibly difficult to accept the loss of someone beloved- and in a similar vein, to accept the emotional loss involved in a big life change. Leaving a comfort zone, giving up routines and benefits once taken for granted, and feeling nostalgic for the “good old days” can be overwhelming. It may sound dramatic, but such transitions often carry elements of loss and even grief.

Understanding this makes the resistance more understandable. People cling to memories and habits not just out of stubbornness, but because they believe it’s the only way to hold on to something precious. If they can be honest with themselves, they’ll see that this strategy doesn’t work. You can’t preserve the past by desperately holding on. It only increases the weight of the present, and dim its light.

Give the Past Its Proper Place: Memory

Despite the pain, the past must be returned to its rightful home: memory. Memory allows us to lovingly revisit what was, to relive moments in miniature, without pretending they still exist.

We don't erase or diminish the past- what happened, happened. But by placing it in its proper frame, we free our hearts and minds to face the present and plan for the future with clarity and strength.

Once we embrace this mindset and begin to live the present well, we create a new, richer past- a timeless gift to our future selves.

Goldie Gross is a psychotherapist in Jerusalem.