Fundamentals of Education – A Guide to Compassionate and Conscious Parenting (Part III)

A mother asked her four-year-old daughter to bring something from the next room. The child stood still, staring at her mother without moving. The mother repeated the request, and again the child did not budge. The mother’s natural response was frustration, and quickly, her mind found a justification: the child was being defiant and disrespectful. The appropriate response, she thought, would be to discipline her.

Instead of acting on that instinct, the mother held back for a few minutes. Then the child looked up at her and said innocently, “You asked me to go to the kids' room, right? At preschool we learned about the idols that Abraham smashed, and I was trying to stand still like a statue. Now I’ll go get what you asked for.”

What appeared at first to be disrespect or rebellion was, in fact, the result of a child’s rich inner world of imagination. True, the mother can still teach the child that respecting parents comes before imaginative play, but had she responded with anger, she would have unintentionally sent the message that deep thinking and curiosity are wrong. Worse, it could have damaged the child’s sense of trust.

The first assumption must always be that a child is not acting out of malice. Even when their actions seem troubling, it’s vital to pause and consider what may be happening inside. From there, we can help them understand their mistake and guide their emotions and behaviors in a healthy direction. Responding only to external behavior- or worse, out of personal ego- can cause unnecessary harm. (Ohel Yaakov v’Leah)

When Discipline Is About the Parent’s Ego

Occasionally the real issue lies not with the child, but with the parent’s own sense of self. The sages warned public leaders not to impose fear or control for personal gain- and this applies even more to parents. When a child doesn’t immediately obey, the parent may feel disrespected and lash out- not to educate, but to restore a sense of pride. That is not discipline- it is revenge. Revenge, even against one’s own child, is strictly forbidden in Jewish law.

We must also examine our motivations. Are we upset because our child truly did wrong, or because we’re embarrassed by how others perceive them? How often does a parent’s desire for admiration cloud their judgment, leading to harsh reactions when a child disappoints?

Anger and resentment when directed at children, are toxic traits. Acting from them is the ego acting under the guise of morality. (Alei Shur, p. 260)

The Test of a Relationship Is in Times of Trouble

As it says in Proverbs: “A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for adversity.” A true friend is always there, and a true sibling shows up in hard times. Children test their relationship with their parents during their own struggles such as illness, academic failure, or social rejection.

At these times parents must step in with encouragement and support. This obligation is far greater than our duty to friends or neighbors, because a child often has no other person to turn to. In matters of kindness, family always comes first.

The future of your relationship with your child is often decided in these moments. If the child feels alone, blamed, or judged instead of supported, they may begin to seek love and acceptance elsewhere. When that happens, the most powerful influence a parent once had is lost. (Ohel Yaakov v’Leah)

Spiritual Healing Comes Through Warmth

Just as physical ailments are often soothed by warmth- like a hot bath or compress- so too emotional and spiritual wounds need the warmth of light and compassion. Sometimes deeper healing requires even stronger radiance, like focused beams of inner warmth, love, and spiritual care. (Netivei HaChinuch, Slonim Rebbe, p. 35)

A Teacher Must Also Honor the Student

Just as students are commanded to respect their teacher, the teacher must also respect and uplift their students. The sages taught: “Let your student’s honor be as dear to you as your own.” A teacher must treat their students with care and affection- for they are the children who illuminate both this world and the next. (Rambam, Laws of Torah Study 5:12; Shulchan Aruch, Yoreh Deah 242:33)

“You Are a Prince- Act Like One”

On the verse “Do not despise the discipline of G-d, my son”, the Yesod v’Shoresh HaAvodah writes: G-d's way of correcting us is not to shame or punish but to remind us: “You are My child. A child of the King!” When you behave poorly, you're not just misbehaving- you are lowering yourself beneath your dignity. That alone is the deepest kind of moral rebuke.

This should be the foundation of all education: “You are important. A special child like you is destined for something greater than this behavior.”

The Family Should Be a Joyful, Secure Social Circle

Build your home as a warm and strong social unit, by talking with your children, involving them in responsibilities, and creating shared family experiences. The more positive and happy this environment is, the stronger the emotional bond with the family becomes, and the more proudly a child will walk in their parents’ path. (Ohel Yaakov v’Leah)

To Educate Well, Know the Soul of the Child

One of the most crucial elements of successful parenting is understanding the soul of the child. Every child has a unique inner world, and the educator must be sensitive and aware enough to see it. This is especially true when a child is emotionally unstable or going through mood swings.

When a teacher understands a child’s inner struggles, even subconsciously, the child feels seen, and begins to trust. If not, serious mistakes can happen, leading to lasting emotional harm. Even children experience personal crises, and the educator's role is to gently help them through- not to worsen the situation by misunderstanding it. (Netivei HaChinuch, Slonim Rebbe, p. 30)

Instill the Feeling: “You Are a Soldier of the King”

We must plant the awareness in every child’s heart that they are soldiers in the service of a King, and they belong to a loyal, sacred unit. This inner identity protects them from the toxic messages of the modern world that try to dull their soul. When a child knows deep down, “I am different,” it becomes easier for them to stand strong and make their own way. (Netivei HaChinuch, Slonim Rebbe, p. 10)