The Power of Gentle Parenting: How Encouragement Shapes a Child’s Soul

In a brief but powerful quote from Rabbi Shlomo Wolbe zt"l in his book Alei Shur, we are instructed about the role of discipline in parenting: “It is precisely the deep emotional bond between parents and children that guides children toward the path of G-d."

Nothing harms the heartfelt relationship between parent and child more than excessive fear. When children are still young, parents must already be thinking ahead to the day when their child matures. If fear and harshness were the dominant tones in the home, the child may rebel and walk away. The central rule in managing a home and raising children is based on the Talmudic passage: "Though our Sages said that one should give instructions before Shabbat- three things must be said in the home before nightfall- they must be said gently so that they will be accepted."
(Shabbat 119b)

Words that are not spoken calmly and patiently are not received. Even if a child quickly acts in response to a parent’s shouting, the parent should not deceive themselves into thinking that the yelling had an educational effect. It is only with gentleness, calm, and patience that we can truly educate. Agitation and anger have no place in the holy work of raising children.

If a child doesn’t immediately do what was asked, you must not rush to punish. Instead, calmly but firmly explain what is expected without using force. A child should learn to obey because of the instruction itself, not because of the physical barrier. As the verse says, “You may not eat in your gates,” which Onkelos translates as: “You have no permission”- not “you are physically prevented.”

If punishment is ever truly necessary, remember the verse: “He who spares the rod hates his son, but one who loves him disciplines him early.” (Proverbs 13:24)

The “rod” includes many subtle forms, such as a stern look or an expression of disappointment. The soft heart of a child is deeply affected by even the mildest hint of pain from a parent. For example, withholding a small treat the child usually enjoys can already feel like a real punishment.

Encouragement, praise and rewards are more effective than threats and punishments.

Chazal illustrate this through a story about a schoolteacher whose prayers for rain were answered when even the greatest sages’ were not. The reason given was because of the way he treated the children in his care. He explained: “I have a pond of fish, and whenever a child loses interest in learning, I entice him with fish, arrange them nicely before him, and gently encourage him- until he returns and learns willingly.”

Indeed, the method of encouragement and the type of rewards must be suited to each age and stage. Eventually, the goal is to help the child mature into a person who studies Torah and builds character for its own sake- not for rewards. As our Sages say: “From doing it not for its own sake, one will come to do it for its own sake.”

The Rambam echoes this idea in Hilchot Teshuva (Chapter 10): “A young child is brought to study Torah. That is the greatest good for him in terms of achieving perfection. But due to his immaturity and limited understanding, he cannot yet grasp the value of that good or the greatness it will bring him. Therefore, the teacher- who is wiser- must motivate him with things the child desires at his age. He will say: ‘Learn, and I will give you nuts or figs or honey.’ As the child grows, these things will seem less valuable, so the teacher may offer shoes or fine clothing. Later, he may offer money. Eventually, when the child matures, he will desire wisdom and dignity itself. The teacher may then say: ‘Learn so that you may become a respected leader or a judge.’ And so the child will learn, now driven by deeper aspirations.”

We must never approach education as a matter of issuing commands or enforcing rigid authority. Rather, we must constantly seek ways to endear the learning process to the child, to inspire inner motivation and joy in growth. Only then will the child grow into a healthy, thoughtful, spiritually attuned individual.