Understanding and Guiding the Adolescent Child

As we know, adolescence is a time of transition between childhood and adulthood. Childhood is characterized by parental guidance and leadership, while adulthood is defined by independence and self-direction. This contrast is the source of much of the friction during adolescence. The teenager, sensing physical and emotional changes within themselves, begins to believe with certainty that they are now an adult, capable of making their own decisions- while the parents still see their child in need of guidance.

Of course, the parents are objectively correct, as this age is marked by many mistakes in judgment and behavior. And yet, parents must remember that the teen’s resistance comes from a genuine belief that they are mature and capable. It is therefore crucial to build a healthy relationship with the adolescent that is rooted in mutual respect, alongside a measure of parental authority. Any instruction or criticism should never be expressed with ridicule or mockery. A single humiliating remark can deeply wound the teenager and create long-lasting emotional distance from the parents.

Criticism, even when justified, should be delivered with heartfelt concern and genuine care, as this invites the recipient to hear and accept guidance. In contrast, harsh words spoken in frustration turn the relationship into a battle of wills between two opposing sides.

To prepare your child to be open to critique when necessary, take every opportunity to praise them for their strengths and positive traits. If possible, do this in the presence of extended family, such as during a visit from grandparents. Words of admiration for their kindness, helpfulness at home, or academic effort, spoken with visible joy, will boost the teen’s self-esteem and encourage them to continue acting positively. A child who hears only criticism from their parents may come to believe that they have no redeeming qualities, and will shut themselves off emotionally.

Expressing trust is also especially important during adolescence. When the child asks for something typically granted to older kids, and you’re inclined to say yes, use the opportunity to affirm their maturity. For example: “Of course I agree- for a responsible kid like you.” Or, “For a wonderful child like you that I’m so proud of, of course you deserve this.” Simple phrases like these can work wonders in building the child’s willingness to accept your guidance and authority.

What If the Relationship Is Already Strained?

If the relationship with your teen is already broken, it’s time to reset. The parents must commit to stop offering criticism almost entirely for the duration of at least a few weeks. During this time, focus on complimenting your child naturally and sincerely for any good traits or actions. Also, show them affection in age-appropriate and tension-appropriate ways- perhaps with a small surprise left on their bed with a kind note, a warm smile, or a friendly pat. Eventually, even granting a previously denied request due to past behavior can help build trust.

After a few weeks of this reconnection and emotional healing, when tensions have eased, begin offering guidance again, but only under these guidelines:

1. Start Small: Ask for something simple you’re sure the teen will do. Avoid beginning with something you know won’t happen.

2. Choose Requests That Make Them Feel Good: For example, “Can you help me lift something?” Helping will make them feel capable and needed.

3. Thank and Praise Them: After they comply, express sincere appreciation.

Gradually, you can expand the scope of your feedback, while always keeping a loving, calm tone. Replace old patterns of anger and disappointment with empathy and genuine concern.

Going forward, reserve criticism and refusals for truly important issues. Let minor things slide, especially those that won’t make a difference. Be more lenient on permissible matters and save your firmness for real boundaries. This helps maintain clarity and strength in your messaging without exhausting your influence- especially when there are other children watching and learning from your actions.

The Long View

Parents should always keep a watchful “overhead” view of their adolescent’s life, without making the child feel spied on. Show interest in what they love, praise them authentically, and express appreciation for their efforts. This builds the child’s understanding that they are loved and respected as a growing individual. It also allows parents to continue exercising appropriate oversight while gently guiding their child toward maturity and true independence.