How to Teach Discipline Effectively: 3 Proven Parenting Strategies

In an earlier article, we discussed the first two foundational principles of discipline:

1. A consistent educational approach that balances “the left hand pushes away” and “the right hand brings closer.”

2. The importance of follow-through: ensuring that the child either performs the expected action or refrains from the prohibited one, unless a rare and exceptional circumstance arises- in which case the change should be explained briefly and respectfully. For example: “I didn’t agree to the gathering because I didn’t know the counselor would also be attending.”

This article will focus on three additional key principles.

A. Parental Demands Must Convey Seriousness

One of the greatest challenges parents face is when children ignore important instructions, especially during stressful times. For example, during bedtime routines when the hour is late and the children are still playing, or when asked to clean their room and they continue with their games.

Frustrated mothers often say that even their repeated demands or a raised voice don’t help The result is mutual frustration, tension, and the painful feeling of failure in parenting.

In most of these situations, if the mother stops to analyze how she delivered her message, she may realize that the child didn’t perceive it as serious, even though she was very serious. Children are equipped with highly sensitive “radars” for reading tone, body language, and intention, especially when they don’t want to follow the instruction. They instinctively evaluate how serious the demand really is.

If a parent gives an instruction while simultaneously occupied on the phone, cleaning the kitchen, or doing something else, the message the child receives is: “I’d like you to go to sleep, but it’s not that important. My other task takes priority.” Even though this is not the parent’s intention, this is what the child absorbs.

To convey seriousness, the parent must set aside all other distractions- even briefly- and focus completely on the child and the task. For example, during bedtime, the parent should stop other activities, approach the child, deliver the instruction pleasantly but clearly, and remain present to observe compliance.

To ease the transition, it’s helpful to give a “heads-up” ten or fifteen minutes before bedtime. This way, the child can mentally prepare to wrap up their current activity. When the time comes, the parent must drop everything else, approach the child calmly but firmly, and say, “It’s time for bed.” In the early phase, the parent should also physically assist the child with wrapping up play and getting ready. This process must be repeated night after night until the child understands: “My parent is serious and will follow through every time.”

The parent must also resist losing their temper, even if the child resists. Often, children are simply testing the boundaries of this new approach, but once it becomes clear that compliance is non-negotiable, they will cooperate and may even enjoy the peaceful bedtime routine. The parent should continue checking in during the bedtime process, staying near the room if conversations persist, and slowly withdrawing as the child learns the new bedtime structure.

Only after this message of seriousness has been consistently internalized, can the parent begin to return to other tasks while issuing instructions- so long as the message doesn’t get diluted over time.

B. Avoiding Unrealistic Threats

King Solomon wrote in Ecclesiastes: “It is better not to vow than to vow and not fulfill.”

Breaking a vow is a serious violation. Similarly, a parent who makes empty threats such as “If you don’t listen, you can’t go to your brother’s bar mitzvah” or “We won’t buy you a winter coat”- not only loses credibility, but risks serious damage to their authority.

Even if the child is initially alarmed, they eventually catch on. Once they realize the threats aren’t real, even the valid consequences will be met with indifference or even contempt. This can trigger a destructive cycle: the parent escalates threats, the child ignores them, the parent imposes excessive punishments, the child feels mistreated, and the situation spirals toward total breakdown.

Instead, disciplinary threats must be reasonable, enforceable, and related to something the child values- but not so extreme as to provoke rebellion or be impossible to uphold. This maintains both the parent’s credibility and the child’s sense of fairness.

C. Expressing Confidence Instead of Disappointment

Sometimes, when a child is underperforming academically, parents react with harsh disappointment. Such criticism can destroy the child’s confidence and desire to improve, leading quickly to disciplinary problems. A child who feels unappreciated by the adult world becomes emotionally disconnected, and may eventually stop listening altogether.

Parents must remember that a child who isn’t succeeding academically is not necessarily lazy or disrespectful. Many children simply learn differently, and their talents may lie in non-academic areas. Constant criticism can lead to insecurity, resentment, emotional detachment, and a sense of failure- not only toward their parents, but toward themselves and the entire school system.

If a child consistently struggles with learning, it's essential to rule out practical issues, especially in early elementary grades. Often, a simple vision or hearing issue is the real cause and the child might not even realize they’re not seeing or hearing properly. Once diagnosed, a simple intervention (glasses or a hearing device) can radically improve the situation.

Later, some children may thrive in more hands-on, practical learning environments. Enrolling them in the right program or hobby can reignite joy, confidence, and even motivation to engage with more difficult academic subjects.

Even if the child can achieve more but is not applying themselves, it’s far more effective to highlight successes and offer sincere praise, rather than rehashing past failures. Instead of saying: “See? You can do it! So why don’t you always try?” Say: “I always knew you were bright and capable.”

Belief in a child’s potential inspires them to rise to meet that belief.