The Path to Education – How to Set Healthy Boundaries in Parenting

A key principle in education is teaching children that not everything one desires should be done or acquired, not everything that enters the ear should be spoken aloud, and one must not be lazy when it comes to doing what is right and appropriate.

Since a child is unable to independently discern proper boundaries and limits, and lacks the inner emotional strength to apply them on their own, it is the responsibility of the parents to set these boundaries and insist on their implementation.

Rabbi Samson Raphael Hirsch (z”l), in his classic work "The Foundations of Education" (p. 54), lays out the basic guidelines to follow when setting rules, saying “no,” and establishing limits for a child:

• Do not let your child obtain something through stubborn aggression, especially if it was denied for valid reasons (such as being inappropriate for their age or harmful).

• Do not give in to them out of your own comfort or convenience if you wouldn’t have allowed it out of genuine concern for their well-being.

• Be cautious not to issue too many refusals or commands.

• Never impose pointless or insignificant rules, and don’t deny harmless requests.

• If you do demand something, insist on its fulfillment firmly. If you refuse something, do not yield under pressure. Even a small, seemingly meaningless concession can undermine the authority of your word in the child’s eyes. Therefore, be especially cautious with the word “no.”

• Give and permit as much as you can, as long as it does not harm your child physically or morally.

• Never demand or refuse something out of a bad mood or personal frustration unrelated to the child.

• Don’t allow something you’ll later need to forbid, and don’t forbid something you’ll later need to allow.

Some parents, out of love for their children, avoid setting limits such as bedtime, eating too many sweets, cleaning up toys, etc., assuming that a child with fewer restrictions will be happier. A wealthy person who has no challenge in purchasing new curtains doesn’t enjoy them nearly as much as someone who saved up with hard-earned money. Likewise, a child who receives everything they want suffers in two ways:

1. They miss out on the joy of anticipation- a key ingredient in lasting happiness.

2. They assume this pattern will continue forever, and when life inevitably presents limitations, they are left frustrated, bitter, and angry.

The Act of Education

Alongside general educational development, parents must plant seeds of values in every area suitable for the child’s age. A child raised with a healthy balance of discipline and love is best equipped to absorb lessons in respect, self-restraint, kindness, and responsibility. This includes:

• Respect for others, parents, and teachers

• Mastery over negative emotions like anger, pride, jealousy, and hatred

• Care with others’ property and refraining from theft

• Delayed gratification and self-control

• Performing age-appropriate mitzvot and ethical behavior

Children raised with Torah education are uniquely prepared for this. They are trained from a young age to live with boundaries:

• Work: "Six days shall you work, and on the seventh you shall rest."

• Clothing: "Make fringes on the four corners of your garment" / "Do not wear sha’atnez."

• Food: "These are the animals you may eat...but these you shall not eat."

• Hearing: "Do not bear false witness."

• Speech: "Do not gossip...do not use G-d's name in vain."

• Emotions: "Do not hate your brother in your heart." / "Do not bear a grudge."

General secular education influenced by Western culture teaches children- often unconsciously- to indulge in worldly pleasures to the fullest. The only boundaries are legal ones enforced by police or fear of punishment. The message becomes: don’t steal because you’ll go to jail, not because it’s inherently wrong.

Without moral education rooted in values beyond material consequences, many children grow up lacking emotional resilience. This often leads to anxiety, depression, and in extreme cases even suicidal thoughts, when life becomes difficult or unfulfilling.

The Power of Torah-Based Education

In Torah education, parents and teachers model a life of spiritual purpose and value-based decisions, even when there is no immediate material gain or loss. A parent may forego a cold popsicle on a hot day because it lacks a kosher certification. A teacher may pause mid-sentence to avoid speaking lashon hara.

Through years of loving effort, parents instill in their children the clarity that true good in life is living according to the G-d-given structure of boundaries and values. From Shabbat and prayer, charity and kindness, to health, order, and spiritual responsibility, we create the foundation for a life of meaning, balance, and joy.