The educational path consists of two complementary components that must be practiced simultaneously:
A. Preparing the Child to Be Educated- Creating fertile ground that will properly absorb and grow the seeds of education.
B. The Act of Education Itself- Planting the seeds.
The Talmud teaches that when educating children, one must apply the principle: “Let the left hand push away, and the right hand draw near.” Proper education requires both closeness and boundaries. The rejection must be light (the left hand), and the affection strong (the right hand). This applies to both components of education and forms the foundation of this article.
Preparing the Child for Education
The ideal candidate for successful education is a child with a healthy psyche, who does not suffer from excessive fears, chronic anxiety, sadness, or low self-esteem (not to be confused with genuine humility, but rather a feeling of worthlessness and helplessness). On the flip side, such a child should also understand that it's neither right nor necessary to dominate others.
A child who is emotionally healthy can only be raised through a combination of two seemingly contradictory, yet truly complementary, approaches:
Warmth, Love, and Respect
Clear and Firm Boundaries
A child who grows up without warmth and attention, even if not abused or humiliated, feels lonely and threatened by the vastness of the world. A child raised with no boundaries feels similarly unsafe, as nothing restrains the behavior of others around him. Lack of boundaries leads to disruptive behavior that harms the child and their surroundings.
The Destructive Impact of Media
One of the main contributors to the lack of discipline and boundary-breaking among today’s children is exposure to movies and media. Through watching thrillers or action films, children disconnect from their reality and begin to live in an imagined world which may feel completely real. This imagined world is one where violence, permissiveness, and crime dominate. Fear of life in such a world can crush a child’s sense of security, and they may feel compelled to imitate the violence they've seen in order to survive.
A calm atmosphere in the home is also an important factor in raising a healthy child. If a child constantly witnesses tension between parents, even warmth and attention won’t fully heal their inner wounds.
How to Express Warmth and Attention in Daily Life
When Jacob said to his "brothers" to gather stones, Rashi explains they were actually his sons, whom he treated like brothers. This brotherly bond- marked by mutual respect, care, and love- is the model for the parent-child relationship.
Many parents mistakenly believe that showering a child with expensive gifts communicates love. But from the child's perspective, material provisions are expected- they are not proof of love. The real proof, in the child's eyes, is found in the parent’s behavior: sincere attention to their questions and creations, praise and encouragement for good deeds and efforts, and respectful listening to their wishes.
This doesn’t mean fulfilling every request. But even when denying a request, it should never be done with mockery or disdain. In most cases, a healthy approach is to listen seriously and respond respectfully, explaining- within the child’s capacity to understand- the reasons that something may not be possible. This explanation must not be presented as weakness or pleading, but as a calm and confident educational moment. The tone and phrasing should be clear and purposeful, avoiding drawn-out debates.
Mockery, humiliation, ridicule, whether in words, gestures, or actions, are a guaranteed recipe for emotional harm. A child must know they are loved, respected, and cherished. This love does not mean permissiveness- it must exist side-by-side with clear boundaries.
When a child grows up with a healthy inner world, this creates a fertile foundation for receiving the seeds of education and allowing them to flourish.
