Navigating the Path of Anger Management: A Spiritual Approach

Even after internalizing the three foundational causes of anger, an individual striving to rectify this trait may still find themselves succumbing to anger against their will. It's essential to remember that this is the nature of spiritual work, as it is written: "A righteous person falls seven times and rises again." The individual may fall, yet is still considered righteous because they do not despair, and immediately strive to rise again. From each fall, a person learns how to confront such challenges, and what precautions to take to prevent future lapses, until they reach their desired goal.

This pattern of ups and downs is characteristic of all spiritual endeavors until one stabilizes in the right place. This is especially true in correcting the trait of anger, which presents a unique challenge. The primary issue in rectifying anger lies in its sudden flare-up, which leaves little room for contemplation on how to overcome it. In the battle against the inclination toward anger, one must employ various strategies to aid the warrior striving for victory, as it is written: "With strategies, you shall wage war."

Following are several strategies and practical tips for overcoming anger:

1. Perform an Action Before Speaking in Anger

Commit to performing a specific, consistent action before expressing any anger. For example, put on a designated shirt, pour a drink and take a sip, or even fold a towel in another room. The goal is to create a time buffer for reflection. If one tells themselves at the onset of anger, "I will not get angry," they know in advance that this declaration won't help, and they will indeed get angry. But if they tell themselves, "I will get angry, but only after performing the action I've committed to doing first," it becomes easier to reflect on what happened and assess the worthiness of the anger, while reviewing their awareness about the detriments of anger. This increases the likelihood that the current anger will be controlled or even nullified.

2. Avert Your Gaze from the Person You're Angry With

When anger begins to stir in your heart toward someone, avert your gaze from them. The more you look at them, the more your anger will intensify, especially if they continue the behavior that angers you. Some recommend raising your eyebrows and furrowing your forehead when feeling angry as this action is believed to expedite relaxation and may even completely prevent anger. It's worth trying.

3. Impose a Fine on Yourself

Decide that if you fail again with severe anger, you will impose a fine on yourself that will be unpleasant. For example, abstain for a week from eating a favorite food you're accustomed to; donate a predetermined amount to charity; wear an old or disliked garment; or any other reasonable self-punishment. If a particular fine proves ineffective, switch to a more significant one, provided it's something you can handle and won't lead to depression, sadness, or despair.

4. Train Yourself to Always Speak Calmly

Remain committed that no matter what, I will not raise my voice at anyone under any circumstances. Even if I feel an internal blaze and terrible rage seeking to erupt, I will continue to speak calmly (or at least remain silent, engaging in an internal dialogue on how to appropriately and positively address the anger-inducing situation).

5. The Power of Silence

The "Pele Yoetz" writes: "Even if his heart burns like fire and his wrath is kindled within him, he can restrain his words! Then the anger becomes barren, bearing no fruit. For it is known that the sin of anger leads to many other severe sins, such as the fire of dispute, cursing, and many other evils. Silence during anger is like water to fire. Our sages have said about the verse 'He suspends the earth upon nothingness,' that the world exists only because of those who restrain their mouths during conflict."

6. The Importance of Speaking Calmly to Avoid Anger

The Ramban emphasizes this at the beginning of his famous letter to his son, advising: "Always conduct yourself to speak all your words gently, to every person, at all times, and through this, you will be saved from anger, which is a bad trait that causes people to sin."

7. Gather Information, Write, and Review

This is applicable to any spiritual acquisition one wishes to instill in their soul, particularly in correcting the trait of anger. The very act of gathering information and writing it down organizes thoughts and ingrains them into consciousness. When a person reviews their completed work, they inevitably feel a special connection to the truths they've written wholeheartedly. The "Pele Yoetz" states: "The severity of anger is well-known, as emphasized in the Talmud, Zohar, and writings of the Ari. Given its severity, a person who desires life and has a natural tendency toward anger should, with great strength and determination, set boundaries and safeguards to save his soul from descending into the pit. The greatest safeguard is to write down and collect all the sayings of our sages in the Talmud, Midrashim, Zohar, and writings of the Ari, and keep them as a constant reminder, reflecting on them daily, so that he may fear and turn away."

8. Forced to Anger? Reconcile Quickly

One effective method to overcome future anger is to train oneself to calm down and reconcile quickly, to apologize and make amends immediately after regaining self-control following a lapse into anger. Someone who demands of themselves to calm down immediately after failing the test and succumbing to anger, and who apologizes to the person they lashed out at, thereby prepares themselves to be more measured before becoming angry in future tests. This paves the way for easier future victories over the inclination toward anger, eventually leading to complete control.

9. Practice Displaying Only Outward Anger When Necessary

The main obstacle facing someone seeking to correct their anger is the need to deal with issues whose resolution requires rebuke and anger toward those around them. The feeling is: "I don't want to get angry. But there are situations where, if I don't get angry, the necessary change will never occur in my children; in my husband; in my wife; in my employees; my neighbors, etc. How can I completely stop getting angry? Sometimes, there's a real need for anger!"

Following is the Rambam's wonderful advice in the "Book of Knowledge," which, due to the importance of his words, we present in full:

"Anger is an exceedingly bad trait, and one should distance oneself from it to the opposite extreme. One should train themselves not to get angry, even over matters that naturally provoke anger. If one needs to instill fear in their children, household members, or the public- if they are a leader- and wishes to express anger to correct them, they should appear to be angry in front of them to discipline them, but internally remain calm. It's as if they are only pretending to be angry during their display, but are not truly angry. Our early sages said: 'Anyone who gets angry is as if they worship idols.' They also said that someone who gets angry- if they are wise, their wisdom departs from them; if they are a prophet, their prophecy departs from them. Those prone to anger have no real life. Therefore, they instructed to distance oneself from anger until one no longer feels even the things that naturally provoke anger. This is the good path. The way of the righteous is to be insulted and not insult back, to hear their disgrace and not respond, to act out of love and rejoice in suffering. About them, the verse says: 'But they who love Him shall be as the sun when it goes forth in its might.'"

10. Greater Reward for Those Naturally Inclined to Anger Who Overcome It

Someone born with a particular inclination toward anger, who works, struggles, and overcomes this challenging trait until they correct themselves, receives a much greater reward than someone born with a calmer disposition. As it is said: "According to the effort is the reward." They are the true king who rules over their spirit, about whom it is said: "Better is one who is slow to anger than the mighty, and one who rules their spirit than one who captures a city."

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