The Commandments of Honoring and Revering Parents

Two verses in the Torah address our approach toward our parents:

1. "Honor your father and your mother, so that your days may be long upon the land which the Lord your G-d is giving you."

2. "Each of you shall revere his mother and his father, and you shall keep My Sabbaths; I am the Lord your G-d."

The first verse teaches the commandment to honor one's parents, while the second emphasizes reverence (awe) for them. This indicates our conduct toward our parents should encompass both respect and reverence.

Why does the first verse mention the father before the mother, and the second in the reverse the order?

"It is known that a child honors his mother more than his father because she speaks kindly to him. Therefore, the Torah placed the father first in the verse about honor. Conversely, the child fears his father more than his mother because he teaches him Torah; thus, reverence for the mother is placed first."

This teaches us to be diligent in both honoring and revering both parents equally.

Honoring Stepparents:

Children are obligated to honor their father's wife and their mother's husband, even if they are not biological parents. This is part of honoring the biological parent, as respect toward their spouse brings them honor. However, this obligation holds only while the parent is married to them. If they divorce or the parent dies, the obligation becomes like that toward any person- unless the parent specifically instructed otherwise.

Before his death, Rabbi Judah the Prince instructed his sons to honor their stepmother, maintain the home as it was (lamp lit, table set, bed arranged), and that those who served him in life should serve him in death. He was said to visit his home in a spiritual form each Friday night and these rituals maintained his presence and honored him. When these visits became known, he ceased returning.

Summary of Laws from the Shulchan Aruch (Code of Jewish Law):

• One must be extremely careful in honoring and revering both parents.

• Reverence includes not standing or sitting in their designated places, not contradicting or correcting them, not calling them by name.

• Even if a parent humiliates the child in public, the child must remain silent.

• Honor includes feeding, clothing, helping out pleasantly.

• Financial obligations depend on each one’s means. Personal care is always required.

• One must stand up before their parent.

• Even if a parent destroys property or insults the child, the child must not retaliate.

• Honor continues after a parent's death, expressed in how one quotes them.

• If a parent becomes mentally ill, care must be provided even if indirectly.

• Corrections should be phrased as questions, not accusations.

• A parent’s instruction to violate Torah law must not be obeyed.

• Even a mamzer (child of a forbidden union) must honor and fear their parent, even if the parent is a sinner.

• Stepparents and in-laws must be honored while the parent or spouse is alive.

• Cursing or hitting parents (even posthumously) is severely punished.

• Disgracing parents includes verbal or non-verbal insults, and the court may discipline violators.

These laws highlight the immense value Judaism places on honoring parents. Teachers and educators should make it a priority to instill this value in students, teaching not only the principle but also the practical laws from Shulchan Aruch and contemporary guides.