How to Be Assertive Without Being Aggressive: A Real-Life Guide to Confident Communication

Not long ago, I walked into a store. The salesperson was- let's just say- not exactly friendly. His energy was aggressive, and not only toward customers, but even toward his own manager(!). We were stunned when he responded with hostility to simple customer requests. Then it was our turn.

When I mentioned a specific detail about what I needed, he immediately snapped, saying he couldn’t help. His manager, standing nearby, stepped in to calm things down and approved my request. The salesperson, clearly irritated, stormed out of the store to the kiosk next door.

It was pretty clear we had run into someone difficult. His behavior was impatient and confrontational with everyone. What intrigued me most, however, were the customers' reactions. Some were visibly shaken, others responded with aggression of their own. Understandable. No one wants to be mistreated.

But I chose a different route. I remained calm and composed. I wasn’t fazed by his behavior. I understood that this didn’t stem from malice, but from a deep belief that people are negative or threatening. I projected confidence, stood my ground, and responded with a calm tone- maybe even a smile- and a light, friendly tap on the shoulder of this human “volcano.”

At one point, when he pressured me to make an immediate decision (in a snide, impatient, almost threatening tone), claiming “the technician’s time is being wasted!” (something he probably made up on the spot), I looked him in the eye and replied evenly: “I understand. His time is being wasted. But I simply can’t decide right now.”

Naturally, he pushed harder: “So when will you decide? You need to make up your mind!”

I responded, still calm: “I get the urgency. But like I said, I just can’t decide right now. I’ll think it over and get back to you as soon as I know what’s best for me.”

Eventually, he realized his intimidation tactics weren’t working. I wasn’t backing down and thereby reinforcing his belief that “people are annoying and weak,” but I also wasn’t fighting him and confirming his view that “people are hostile and aggressive.”
In his worldview, people are “troublesome and dangerous,” and he therefore strikes first. When I didn’t play that role, he eased off.

I left the store and noticed him talking about me to his friend, still in a negative tone. It didn’t affect me. I sat in my car, took my time, consulted with the relevant person, and returned to the store twice more to clarify important details.

Was it uncomfortable to go back? A little. No one wants to feel like a “bother.” But I felt confident, justified, and respectful enough not to be afraid. And amazingly, he treated me with more respect and calmness the next time. What shifted?

The Secret: Assertive Communication

People often confuse assertiveness with aggressiveness, but they are not the same. Assertiveness means standing up for yourself while still respecting the other person’s position.

When someone disagrees with us, if we respond with calmness, clarity, and confidence, while also respecting their perspective, we show that:

• We’re not dismissing them.

• We’re not attacking them.

• We're not disappearing or giving in.

Even if the other person is being aggressive and perhaps trying to intimidate or pressure us, when they see that we’re not shaken or provoked, and even show them some basic respect, their aggression tends to fade because it’s simply not working.

Does Assertiveness Always Work?

Being assertive doesn’t guarantee that you’ll get what you want, or that aggressive people won’t try to overpower you. But it greatly increases the odds of achieving what you want, in a way that maintains your self-respect and earns the respect of others.

(Photo: shutterstock)

How to Be Assertive: A Practical Guide

1. Be clear on your truth.
   If you believe in what you're saying, your body language and tone will naturally convey confidence. Calmness is the clearest signal of inner certainty. People can sense when someone is unshakable.

2. Respect others- even when they’re wrong.
   Just because you think something, it doesn’t mean the other person is automatically wrong. We’re not all-knowing. True self-confidence allows you to accept that someone else might see things differently, even if they’re clearly mistaken.

3. Don’t take disagreement personally.
   Even if you’re sure the other person is wrong, you can still choose not to get defensive. That, too, stems from self-confidence- the kind that allows you to say, “I see things differently, and that’s okay.”

4. Bridge the gap.
   Combine clarity with calm respect. Express yourself firmly but kindly- through your words, tone, eye contact, and body language. Don’t panic, and don’t show fear.

In the situation I shared, assertiveness looked like this:

• I acknowledged the salesperson’s concerns.

• I stayed firm in my own boundaries.

• I didn’t let his frustration pressure me.

• I refused to play the role he had mentally assigned me.

I didn’t collapse and I didn’t fight. I simply stood my ground with respectful confidence.

A Note of Caution

Assertiveness isn’t always the answer. If you’re dealing with a genuinely dangerous or abusive person, like a psychopath or a thief- it may not be the right approach. Sometimes, direct confrontation isn’t safe. But in the vast majority of everyday interactions, assertive communication is the path to clarity, respect, and success.

Start Small

If you’re not naturally assertive, don’t worry. Begin with small, low-stakes situations. Practice there, build confidence, and gradually take on bigger challenges. Over time, assertiveness can become your natural way of being.

Good luck- and stand tall!