The Hidden Cost of Autopilot Relationships: Why Kindness at Home Matters Most

Kobi is the guy everyone loves at work. He’s a good soul, always ready to help out, offer compliments, make coffee, assist with presentations, stay late, and even change a flat tire if needed. A real “heart of gold.”

If you ask his wife, you might think you’re hearing about a completely different person. At home, Kobi forgets to help, forgets to compliment, doesn’t offer to make coffee, doesn’t share ideas, and certainly doesn’t replace a burnt-out lightbulb.

For Kobi, every day is Purim. Every morning, he gets up, puts on the smiling clown mask, and heads off to work in costume, as Mr. “Heart of Gold.”

How do we know it’s a costume?

Rabbi Chaim Vital, the student of the great Kabbalist the Arizal, taught: if a person shows kindness to the whole world- cares for orphans, visits the sick, donates to famine victims in Somalia or earthquake survivors in Nepal- but shows stinginess or indifference within their own home, that person is not truly kind. Real character is revealed in how we act behind closed doors, with the people closest to us, day in and day out, without applause or recognition.

Should We Remove the Mask?

Absolutely not. These “masks” keep society functioning. What the world calls manners are essential survival tools in the jungle of life. As one wise man once said, “No relationship would last 15 minutes if everyone said exactly what they thought.” So yes, it’s important to act respectfully and generously, even if it doesn’t always come from the heart.

However, it's necessary to begin fixing our inner selves, especially in the way we give and relate at home.

Why Does This Happen?

There is an important insight from our sages about human nature:
G-d created a marvelous mechanism in our brains known as habit.

When we first learn something new such as walking, riding a bike, or driving, it demands all our focus. Once we master the skill, it moves into the subconscious and we operate on “autopilot.” We no longer think about walking, we simply walk.

Interestingly, the Hebrew word for habit (hergel) comes from the root word for foot (regel), the body part most associated with automatic movement.

The Talmud (Sanhedrin 105b) teaches that a person should engage in Torah and mitzvot even if not purely for Heaven’s sake, because through repeated action, their intentions will eventually align. The Sefer HaChinuch expands on this idea: if someone consistently practices good deeds- even if they start off with negative traits- they can transform into a genuinely good person. The power of habit is that it becomes second nature.

Positive habit is a blessing, but this same power can also become destructive.

The Danger of Autopilot in Marriage

When you move into a new home, you're aware of every detail- the colors, the layout, the textures. After a few months, everything fades into the background and you stop noticing. It's a sort of blindness.

That same thing can happen with your spouse. You stop seeing them. You stop noticing. You lose sensitivity and empathy.

Although most people would say that marriage and family are their top priorities, the reality is that habit causes many to treat their home life as invisible and take it for granted. The result is a slow, subtle decline. Less quality time, less thoughtful words, less spontaneous kindness like a smile, a compliment, or a fresh cup of coffee.

Never put your marriage on autopilot. The cheapest gift you can give is warmth and love, and it is the most valuable.