How to Build Closer Friendships – One Step at a Time

It's not unusual to feel lonely, even if we have friends. At times the bond may not be close, and we desire a more genuine connection.

How do we get closer to others? How can we build more warmth and closeness? How can we avoid unnecessary tension? Following are a few practical tips to strengthen friendships.

1. Listen Deeply
Train yourself to truly listen to your friend’s feelings. When they share something personal, show genuine interest and reflect back what they’ve said in your own words to show you’re paying attention. Ask how they’re feeling and what they think, as this allows them to feel seen and cared for. For example: Moshe walks in looking frustrated. “Ugh, the traffic was insane!” David replies: “Sounds like you spent forever stuck on the road.” Moshe: “Yeah, and today of all days- I’ve got five files to finish and an event after work.” David: “Wow, that’s a lot on your plate. Do you think you’ll be able to get it all done?”

2. Talk About What Matters to Them
Guide the conversation toward topics that are important to your friend. Be genuinely interested and show you care.

3. See the Good in Them – and Say It
Notice what’s special about your friend and tell them! Say things like: “Nice! I really liked what you just said,” or “I always enjoy hearing your take- you get straight to the point,” or even “That sweater looks great on you.”

4. Be Attuned to Their Likes and Dislikes
Get to know what your friend loves and what bothers them, and be sensitive to it. The classic teaching “Acquire a friend” (Pirkei Avot 1:6) is explained by Maimonides to do what your friend wants, to the point that your behavior reflects their preferences. Even the Talmud says: “Let your mind be mixed with others”- meaning, make space for their way of thinking and living.

5. Believe in Your Own Worth
Trust that you have value and love yourself. When you feel secure inside, you’ll be more relaxed and open, which are qualities that naturally attract others.

6. Be Assertive When Needed
Assertiveness is the ability to speak honestly and respectfully. Don’t fold, and don’t attack. It looks something like this: Eric believes Shmuel should switch office spots to serve clients better. Shmuel disagrees- he’s been at the same desk for three years and works longer hours. Shmuel responds calmly: “I see why you think this spot would make your work easier- it makes sense. At the same time, given my longer hours and how I got used to this space, I don’t think it’s fair to move. I’m open to hearing another solution if you have one.” Even if Eric responds with frustration, Shmuel’s respectful tone can help de-escalate the situation. If Shmuel had lashed out or given in with resentment, it may have led to a blow-up.

If these suggestions feel overwhelming, start small. Choose one tip that fits your personality. Begin by practicing to fully listen to a friend once a day. Then, if possible, try it twice a day. Gradually add a second tool, such as complimenting or talking about their interests.

When you make gradual changes, people won’t notice a drastic shift- they’ll simply start to enjoy being around you more. And you’ll enjoy it too!

Haggai Zadok is a lecturer, and a marriage and psychotherapy counselor. chagaizadok@gmail.com