Learning to See Your Inner Light

The phone rings, and on the line is a woman around thirty. After a brief conversation and sharing a few basic details, we set a date for a session. When the day arrives, a woman walks in who looks much younger than her age. Her face is delicate and beautiful, but there’s no mistaking the deep sadness in her eyes. She sits down and begins to share her life story- a complicated one- and what stands out most is her overwhelming lack of self-worth.

Despite everything she's been through, this woman is completely blind to her strengths and the goodness within her, and only sees her flaws. As part of the therapeutic process, I begin teaching her to see all the beauty and light that I, as an objective outsider, can see clearly. Bit by bit, we focus on building her up and empowering her again and again.

Sadly, we seem to be a generation of emotionally exhausted people, unable to recognize our own value and unaware of just how talented, worthy, and good we really are. Worse still, many don’t realize that their goodness is their very essence, while the flaws they obsess over are merely external layers that don’t define their true selves.

It took a long time for this woman to realize how unique and precious she is. Like every soul in the Jewish people, she is loved unconditionally, by the very Creator who formed her. As the verse in Malachi says: "I have loved you, says the Lord." And if He loves her, how could she not love herself?

The Trap of Needing Approval

Far too often, we fall into the exhausting trap of constantly seeking the approval of others, hoping for validation for even the smallest actions, fearing criticism, and letting opinions shape how we feel about ourselves. As it has been said, “It doesn’t matter how your life actually is. What matters is how it looks on Facebook.”

We are social beings, and the need for approval is natural to some extent. But we've become so focused on how we appear to others, that we’ve stopped tapping into the goodness inside ourselves. We’ve forgotten how to give ourselves genuine emotional pats on the back. And when we mess up, we lack the self-compassion to forgive ourselves. Instead, we pour our energy into polishing a false image for others and chase their approval, wrongly believing that the answers we seek lie with them, not within us.

This reminds me of the quote: “If everyone thinks the same, then no one is really thinking.”

Need external validation? (shutterstock)

What Can We Do?

1. Start with Yourself
The core of personal growth is working on yourself. I always tell people in my workshops: if you find yourself thinking, “Too bad my husband/mother/sister-in-law isn’t hearing this”, that probably means you’re the one who needs to hear it most. It's human nature to want others to change first, but reality proves over and over that true transformation begins from within.

Any challenge we avoid dealing with will keep reappearing until we face it and grow through it. So if we want a richer, fuller life, we can’t wait for someone else to change. We must take responsibility for the direction of our lives and actively work- honestly and consistently- on our inner world.

2. Know Who You Truly Are
Your soul is a divine spark. It doesn’t actually matter what “they” think of you. Whatever flaws you may see in yourself are just coal covering a priceless diamond.

As King Solomon wrote in Song of Songs: “Do not look down on me because I am dark; it is the sun that has tanned me.” Meaning, the darkness you see is only surface-level and temporary. G-d Himself says to each of us: “You are beautiful, My beloved, and there is no flaw in you.”

Our task is to recognize and connect with that inner beauty, without letting any external voice convince us otherwise. This truth applies to every Jew, no exceptions.

3. Remember Who You Are
Never forget: you are a child of the King of Kings, as it says in Deuteronomy: “You are children of the Lord your G-d.” That fact alone makes you worthy and precious beyond words.

Only someone who forgets their royal identity can treat themselves like a discarded servant. But when you know your worth, you don’t accept unworthy thoughts or behaviors, especially not toward yourself.

To truly connect with your self-worth, to build deep relationships, and to draw closer to G-d, you must take on the mission for which you were born- to discover the treasure within you. It’s right under your nose, waiting to be revealed.

G-d gave you gifts and He wants you to use them. He wants you to uncover your own beauty and bring it into the world.

May you merit to do just that.

Hagit Amayev is an esteemed family counselor and psychotherapist.