Keys to Life: Building Emotionally Healthy Children Through Love, Boundaries, and Purpose

The path of education consists of two parallel components:

A. Preparing the child to be educated – creating fertile ground that can properly absorb and nurture the seeds of education.

B. The act of educating – sowing of the seeds.

The Talmud teaches that when raising children, “the left hand should push away, and the right hand should draw close”. To achieve meaningful educational results, one must use both warmth and boundaries. The “pushing away” should be done gently, while the “drawing close” should be done with strength and consistency. This applies to both parts of the educational process and is a foundation for everything discussed here.

Preparing the Child for Education

The child who is most ready and suitable for education is the one with a healthy, balanced emotional life. This means that they do not suffer from constant fear, psychological pressure, persistent sadness, or low self-worth (not to be confused with humility, but rather with a crushing sense of inadequacy). At the same time, such a child understands that it is neither right nor necessary to dominate or harm others.

This child can only be shaped through a combination of two seemingly opposing- yet ultimately complementary- approaches:

1. Warmth, love, and respect.
2. Clear boundaries and limits.

A child who grows up without emotional warmth and attention- even if they aren’t directly shamed or humiliated- feels alone and threatened by the size and power of the world around them. On the other hand, a child raised in an environment without any limits feels frightened and unsafe as well, because life seems chaotic and unpredictable.

A child raised in a warm, loving, and supportive atmosphere, yet within a framework of clear boundaries that are consistently upheld, will grow up emotionally healthy.

One additional, though essential, factor is the general atmosphere at home. A child raised in a home with constant tension between the parents will carry emotional wounds that no amount of personal attention can fully heal.

How Are Warmth and Attention Expressed in Practice?

When Jacob says to his "brothers" in Genesis, “Gather stones,” Rashi explains that these were actually his sons- he called them brothers because of the closeness and respect between them.

The practical bond between siblings is marked by care, love, and mutual respect. This should be the tone we take toward our children.

Many parents mistakenly believe that buying their children expensive or lavish items is how love is shown. From the child’s point of view, those things are simply their due and what they expect from a parent by default. For a child to truly feel loved and wanted, they need thoughtful attention, someone who truly listens to their questions, experiences, and creations, who praises their efforts and encourages them, and who shows respect for their wishes, even if not all of those wishes are granted.

This doesn’t require that every request is fulfilled, but at the same time, even an inappropriate request should not be mocked or dismissed. A healthy response is to listen sincerely and, when necessary, decline with an explanation the child can grasp. The tone and delivery should reflect strength and care, not weakness or negotiation.

Mockery, humiliation, and shaming- whether verbal, physical, or through body language- are almost guaranteed to create lasting psychological harm. A child needs to know they are deeply loved and valued.

Setting Boundaries: Key Principles

A cornerstone of education is teaching children that not everything they desire should be done, bought, or said, and that important things must be acted on without laziness.

Because a child lacks the maturity and emotional strength to know where limits should be, it is the parent’s role to clearly define and maintain those boundaries. The renowned Rabbi Samson Raphael Hirsch explained this in his classic Foundations of Education:

• Do not let a child get their way through stubbornness after you’ve already said no for a valid reason.
• Don’t say yes just because you want peace and quiet.
• Avoid unnecessary commands or refusals.
• If you issue a command or refusal, stand by it completely.
• Even one unnecessary concession can undermine your authority.
• Only say “no” when you truly mean it- and stick to it.
• Give your child anything that is reasonable and safe for their physical and moral well-being.
• Never say yes or no out of mood or irritation unrelated to the child.

Some parents, out of love, avoid enforcing boundaries like bedtime, sweets, or cleaning up. This is a mistake. Children who grow up without limits are actually less happy. Similar to someone who constantly buys new things and feels no thrill, a child who gets everything lacks joy and perspective. In fact, such a child suffers twice:

1. They miss out on the joy of anticipation and delayed gratification.
2. They mistakenly assume this lifestyle will continue into adulthood- only to face frustration, anger, and depression when it doesn’t.

The Active Side of Education

Alongside the general atmosphere of healthy emotional development, one must also actively educate in practical ways by sowing the seeds of character and values whenever the child is ready for them. This includes:

• Respecting parents, teachers, and others

• Overcoming negative traits such as anger, pride, jealousy, or hate

• Being honest with other people’s money or belongings

• Practicing self-control and resisting forbidden actions

• Performing age-appropriate good deeds and responsibilities

Children raised in a Torah-centered environment become familiar with structure and limits from the start. They learn to live within a framework of:

• Work: “Six days you shall labor…”

• Dress: “Put fringes on the four corners of your garments…”

• Diet: “These are the animals you may eat…”

• Speech and hearing: “Do not spread gossip…do not bear false witness…”

• Emotion: “Do not hate your brother in your heart…”

In contrast, modern secular education often conditions children to indulge worldly pleasures without restraint. Boundaries are only set when enforced by consequences, like arrest or punishment. Even moral arguments are often rooted in utilitarianism: don’t steal because you might get caught.

This mentality breeds frustration and inner emptiness and is one reason that depression, anxiety, and even suicide are tragically common among youth raised without spiritual structure.

In a life shaped by Torah, children see their parents live by eternal values. They witness adults giving up even a cool treat on a hot day if it lacks kosher certification. They hear them stop mid-sentence to avoid gossip. They see them lend to others even when not reciprocated, simply because revenge is forbidden.

Fortunate are the parents who, through years of patient effort, lead their children to see that true goodness comes from living within the boundaries set by a higher wisdom. From Shabbat and tzedakah to environmental care and personal discipline, the Torah’s guidelines enrich life with purpose and peace.