Rethinking Education: Why Obedience Isn’t the Goal of Parenting or Teaching

Some people mistakenly view total obedience in a child- where every command from a parent or teacher is carried out instantly and unquestioningly- as the ultimate measure of success in education. In reality, this perception is deeply flawed. Obedience that’s driven by fear and punishment isn’t education at all- it’s conditioning. It also strips the child of the chance to internalize values. The child isn’t acting out of understanding or belief in what’s right but simply to avoid consequences. This isn’t so different to the way that animals are trained, to respond like robots to their trainer’s signals.

We shouldn’t be surprised, then, when a child raised this way behaves completely differently the moment they’re out of sight and earshot of parents or teachers. If fear was the motivator, rather than values or internal conviction, the effect is superficial and temporary.

The Torah’s Definition of Educational Success

Judaism offers a profound and simple definition of success in education: “Educate the child according to his way; even when he grows old, he will not turn from it.” (Proverbs 22:6)

This verse provides us with both the method and the goal. The first part- “according to his way”- tells us how to educate. The second- "he will not turn from it”- describes the long-term outcome we’re aiming for.

True educational success isn’t measured by the way a child behaves when you're watching, but how they act when you're not there. What do they do at school during recess? At a friend’s house? On the street? As teenagers, and eventually as adults?

If a child understands the values you’ve taught and if those values were explained in a way they could grasp, accept, and internalize, that is successful education. You’ve given them a moral compass that works even when you're gone.

Real Kindness Builds Independence

True giving means helping someone become independent. In Hebrew, the term for genuine kindness is “gemilut chesed”. It combines two concepts:

• “Gemilut” means weaning or graduating- moving away from dependency (like weaning from nursing, or quitting smoking).

• “Chesed” means kindness- giving and support.

Together, “gemilut chesed” refers to the greatest kindness of empowering someone to no longer need your kindness. For example, helping someone get a stable job so they can support themselves.

This is also the purpose of real education: to bring a child to a place where they can stand on their own two feet, emotionally, intellectually, and morally.

How Do We Get There?

The answer lies in the beginning of the verse: “Educate the child according to his way.” Adapt to the child’s unique nature. Know their personality. Understand their strengths and weaknesses. This is the key to helping them grow into a confident, independent adult.