Keys to Life: The Secret to Lasting Love

The Sages taught: “If you want to become deeply connected in love with your friend, invest in their well-being.” (Derech Eretz Zuta, Chapter 2)

There’s a well-known parable in the world of Jewish ethics: Ask someone at a wedding buffet what they’d like to eat, and they might say, “I love fish”. However, we don’t kill and fry what we love. What they really mean is, “I love to eat fish.” In truth, they love themselves, and the fish simply serves their desire.

True love is not about what we get, but what we give. Pure and lasting love is based on generosity, investment, and a desire to bring joy to the other. This is the love a parent has for a child. It’s not transactional- it’s deeply rooted in selfless giving.

Love Grows Through Giving

Real love is the desire to bring someone else joy and peace of mind. The more effort one puts into giving, the greater the pleasure the giver feels- often even more than the one receiving.

In fact, our Sages teach the opposite of what many assume: It’s not that we give because we love. Rather, we love because we give. To “cling to love” and to make love stable and enduring, one must give first. Love built on feelings alone is fragile and fades when the emotion fades. Love built through giving becomes part of you. Consider the following:

• A parent who adopts a child and pours their heart into them.

• A gardener who raises a tree from a seedling.

• An artist who creates a masterpiece.

• A builder who constructs his own home.

The more we invest in something, the more connected to it we feel. This is because we see a part of ourselves in it. This is also the secret to a strong marriage.

In Marriage, Giving Is Everything

If deep friendship is built on thoughtful giving, how much more so in marriage, where two halves come together to become one whole.

A marriage isn’t made through feelings alone, but by consistently giving- physically, emotionally, spiritually- day after day. This giving creates an emotional bond that is so strong that each partner begins to feel, you are part of me.

It’s no coincidence that the Hebrew word for love (אהבה) has the same numerical value (13) as the word one (אחד). True love is unity- two individuals forming a single emotional and spiritual whole.

Misunderstanding Love Leads to Heartbreak

Sadly, many couples enter marriage with the mindset of “What can I get from this relationship?” When the giving stops, so does the love. This mistaken assumption that love is about receiving, leads to emotional distance, frustration, and eventually the collapse of the marriage. Children suffer, spouses suffer, and lives are torn apart.

There are two types of emotional experiences:

1. Temporary desire, often mistaken for love, which fades quickly.

2. Pure, lasting love, which is defined by the deep desire to give joy to the other.

The first is like a spark- it flares up, then vanishes. The second is a strong flame, kept alive by continuous giving. This is the love between a parent and child, a creator and their creation, a spouse and their partner- when giving is sincere.

When both partners adopt this mindset, marriage becomes a space of mutual giving, where each gives without asking “what’s in it for me?” Ironically, when both give freely, both receive more than they ever imagined.

Building a Marriage on This Foundation

This truth should also guide single men and women in their search for a life partner. The goal isn’t just to satisfy personal desires, but to become whole through giving to your future “other half.”

A beautiful example of this perspective comes from the great Rabbi Aryeh Levin. When he and his wife once visited a doctor, the physician asked who was unwell. The rabbi answered simply: “My wife’s leg hurts us”. To him, her pain was his pain. This profound oneness doesn’t come from passion, but from years of giving, until the distinction between “me” and “you” begins to dissolve.

The Wisdom Behind the Torah-Based Dating System

In contrast to modern dating, which often begins with superficial attraction- eye color, hairstyle, body type- Torah-based matchmaking begins with character.

Of course, physical appearance matters, but it’s only one factor in a larger picture. In this system, trusted friends or family members help investigate key compatibility issues before the first meeting. Are they kind? Are they emotionally stable? Are they patient? Do they value family, faith, education, peace, and emotional intelligence?

Only after this thoughtful background check do the two meet, for a conversation, not a physical encounter. Even hand-holding is avoided- not only due to religious law, but because touch can create an illusion of connection that may not reflect deeper compatibility.

Instead, the couple focuses on values, worldview, personality, speech, interests, emotional maturity, and future goals. If they continue to feel alignment after multiple meetings, they build toward marriage, on a foundation of clarity, not confusion.

Love That Lasts

Love that is built on deep emotional investment, not momentary attraction, is love that lasts. This begins with understanding a simple truth: Love isn’t something you find. It’s something you build through giving.

Only when this becomes the foundation of a relationship can two people become truly one, living a life of joy, unity, and shared purpose.