Building a Stronger Bond: Timeless Wisdom for a Harmonious Marriage

Listen to the Claims of Others

Even when you're absolutely certain that your wife is wrong in her claims against you, listen to her and hear her out. Perhaps you'll suddenly realize that she is right. Even King David, the author of Psalms, testifies about himself and says: "When evildoers rise against me, my ears shall hear." Even though they hate and harm me, I incline my ear and listen to their claims. Maybe there's truth and justice in their words. Is your life partner any less significant than King David's adversaries?

Before Responding, Weigh Loss Against Gain

Even when you're in pain and upset due to your wife's behavior or words, and you want to respond with harsh words and anger, weigh the loss against the gain. Place on one side of the scale your current distress due to the injustice done to you- in your opinion- and your desire to respond. On the other side, place your future pain from the conflict that will follow your response, and the destruction and ruin that will develop from it. It's clear that the future sorrow, with all its consequences, is greater and more significant. If in business we weigh loss against gain and act accordingly, how much more so must we do so in matters where peace and well-being depend. There's no doubt that a wise person, who sees what lies ahead, will change his response and behavior during times of distress, to an attempt to correct without provoking disputes.

Acknowledge the Truth

Train yourself to admit the truth when you've made a mistake. Don't fear being belittled by the other party due to admitting a mistake or error made towards them. One who admits the truth is in fact respected and esteemed by those around him.

Are You Being Disrespected? Examine Yourself

If your requests, demands, and needs are met with disdain, examine your actions and behaviors towards others. Perhaps your actions have resulted in disrespect?

What Matters to the Other Side?

Has some time passed since your wedding day? Surely you already know what matters most to your wife. Instead of trying to change her, try to adapt yourself to your wife's needs. Begin with matters that are important to her to be a certain way, and are less important to you. The peace that will follow will prove that the significant investment is worthwhile and she will also come towards you in matters that are very important to you.

Use of Information

Never use information your wife has shared with you to attack or hurt her!

Under Construction- No Entry for Strangers

Do not involve family members or others in the difficulties and problems of married life, and do not allow them to penetrate your marital life. As in any construction site, entry is permitted and desired only for professionals such as a distinguished Torah scholar or a religious marriage counselor.

Even in Times of Stress, Appreciate the Good in Others

Even in times when you feel hurt, frustrated, and are sure that you are right, reflect on the truly important matters, and be grateful to your wife for them. The sages tell of Rabbi Chiya, who suffered greatly from his wife. When asked: How, despite everything, whenever you find something that pleases her, you purchase it for her, wrap it respectfully, and gift it to her? He replied: "It's enough that she raises our children and saves us from sin." In other words: What truly matters to me from my wife in life is her investment in caring for and raising our children, and in saving me from sinful thoughts. I need nothing more from her. With such gratitude, one can achieve wonderful marital peace.

Lower Expectations

Lower your expectations of your spouse in matters that are difficult for her to change, and be content with only what truly matters. When there are no expectations, there are no disappointments.

Not Every Mistake Warrants Criticism

Did your wife make a mistake? Don't rush to criticize. If it's a one-time mishap, the criticism will do more harm than good. Only if it's a recurring mistake that bothers you is it permissible to critique, but only according to the following rules:

Decided to Criticize? Stop and Think

Before voicing criticism, consider the question: What am I seeking to achieve with this criticism? A fight or correcting the mistake? If I want to resolve the issue, I must think carefully before I comment. These are the questions I should ask myself first:

1. Is now the right and appropriate time for the remark?

2. How can I convey the required message in a gentle way (and perhaps even as a hint) that will be received without offense?

3. With which praises can I begin, and with which praises can I conclude?

Another important rule is not to comment on many things at once.

Give Praise, Compliments, and a Smile

From time to time, pause and ask yourself: When was the last time I gave praise, a compliment, and a kind word to my wife, and when was the last time I smiled at her? The sages said: "Better one who shows his teeth (smiles) to his friend than one who gives him milk to drink." A broad smile is demonstrates without words: I'm happy to see you! As someone once said: "A smile costs nothing to the giver, but is worth millions to the receiver."

Even During an Argument, Avoid Creating Scars

Even if you've reached a real argument, control yourself and don't say things that will leave scars in your wife's heart. Words cannot be unsaid and the impact can remain forever. Always remember that there is life after the argument. You can control your words before they are said, but after it's been said- it controls you.

These words are written in the form of an address to the husband but are equally applicable to the wife.