The Path to Building Spiritual Growth and Emotional Balance

When a man and woman marry, they often feel that they’ve reached a state of perfection. Then the honeymoon phase ends, and misunderstandings, disappointments, frustrations, and hurt feelings give rise to conflict. A common thought arises: We really thought we’d do this better than others…maybe we failed. Maybe we chose wrong?

The moment of marriage is indeed a spiritual high and a moment of deep completeness. However no person can remain on a mountaintop forever. The Hebrew word for marriage (nisu’in) is related to both “elevation” and “peak” which hints at a life journey defined by continuous growth and improvement. Spiritual ascent is always from one peak to another, step to step, through deliberate progress.

Marriage creates fertile ground for personal and relational development and demands inner work that refines the soul and cultivates the heart. The moment of marriage may be a peak, but it’s also a new beginning. As the saying goes, “all beginnings are hard.”

Marriage is a complex life structure, but within it lies the opportunity to continue rising from one height to the next, when we choose to grow and help each other grow.

The Work of Character Development

In Jewish thought, personal refinement and working on one’s character (middot) is foundational. The great sages of every era across all streams emphasized the essential role of building good traits. This article series aims to offer readers structured insights and tools to support that inner work.

Choosing Good Over the Yetzer Hara (Evil Inclination)

The first human was created whole, with a soul that was pure and godly. When Adam and Eve ate from the Tree of Knowledge, good and evil became entangled within them. From that moment forward, humans were tasked with separating the good from the bad- clarifying their inner traits, and freeing the sparks of holiness trapped in the grip of the yetzer hara.

Rabbi Chaim of Volozhin explains that initially, evil existed outside the person and the evil inclination was not part of the self. Today however, it disguises itself as the person. The yetzer hara imitates the voice of the soul, tricking us into thinking that we ourselves want to act destructively. We are not the anger, laziness, doubt, or despair. These are outside forces impersonating us.

Each time we act from the yetzer hara’s influence, we deplete vital spiritual energy we need to nurture our true, holy selves. Each time we choose good, we strengthen the connection to our essence and align with the soul we were created with.

The Tool of Reflection

Humans were gifted with the ability to reflect- to observe, analyze, and draw conclusions based on experience. This doesn’t only refer to physical sight, but is an inner perception that develops through listening, seeing, and living.

Our minds work continuously to fill in missing pieces using our inner assumptions and biases. Two people can witness the same event and interpret it very differentlt as we eacg operate based on our emotional conditioning and personal level of inner work.

The yetzer hara inserts distorted interpretations and causes us to see others- and ourselves- through a fog of pain, fear, and insecurity. The first step in refining our character is therefore to examine how we interpret reality. We must observe the way we observe.

A deeper form of awareness is necessary by asking ourselves questions such as:

• Is this anger really from me, or from something external to my true self?

• Are these doubts part of who I truly am, or just fears that have clung to me?

• Where does my need to criticize or defend come from?

This level of reflection can gradually restore the inner order. It allows the voice of truth within us to reclaim its rightful place, and for false influences to lose their grip.

The Dual Meaning of Middah (Trait)

In Hebrew, the word middah means both a character trait and a measure. This teaches us two things:

1. We must identify which traits we want to strengthen- and which we want to release.

2. We must also evaluate the intensity of each trait, ensuring it is expressed in a healthy, balanced way.

For example:

• Generosity is wonderful, but if overdone, it can lead to financial harm.

• Forgiveness is beautiful, but constant self-sacrifice can create resentment and imbalance.

• Even negative traits such as anger, while destructive, can be moderated, softened, and slowly healed through self-awareness and effort.

The Compass, the Scale, and the Ladder

To succeed in this work, we must treat it as seriously as any other valuable pursuit. And like any skilled craftsperson, we need tools. Unlike physical tools, these are inner emotional, mental, and spiritual tools.

The Compass
The compass represents inner direction. Sometimes, couples argue not because of personality clashes, but because of confusion in values. They mistake yielding for weakness or assertiveness for strength. The Torah, however, gives us a clear value system for our traits:

• True strength is in self-control.

• Real wealth is being content with what you have.

• Honor belongs to those who honor others.

• The greatest are those who walk humbly.

The Scale
This tool allows us to measure and balance our behaviors. Through honest self-evaluation, and taking responsibility instead of blaming others, we begin to weigh which traits we want to diminish and which to amplify. This helps us shift the balance toward traits that will bring harmony, instead of harm.

The Ladder
Character development is a process that is built step by step. Rabbi Dessler teaches that every new level we reach becomes the foundation for the next. We rise and fall. But falls are not failures- they are part of the climb. We collect small victories and celebrate them, even as we keep aiming higher.

Don’t let discouragement hold you back. Instead, find joy in the effort itself. True joy creates energy, motivation, and clarity. Repetition turns insight into practice.

These insights must be reviewed until they become part of our inner memory that guide our actions in moments of challenge. Even one small success is a precious step forward on our spiritual, emotional, and relational journey.

The author is a certified marriage counselor and a facilitator of mindful, values-based self-awareness work.