Speaking is a Talent. Listening is an Art (Part 2)

When someone reaches out to talk, seek advice, or share what's on their heart, we can help them express themselves by using the following techniques:

A. Encouragement

When we listen attentively without interrupting, we are essentially encouraging them to continue speaking and sharing. Occasionally, we can insert a word or short phrase to indicate that we're engaged in the conversation, but most of the time, we should stay silent and give them the floor.

It’s important to note that 93% of interpersonal communication is non-verbal- through body language and facial expressions. Only 7% comes from the actual content of what is said.

B. Reflection (Echoing)

This refers to repeating the speaker’s words exactly as they were said- like an echo- without adding interpretation or explanation.

The goal is to show the speaker that we heard them clearly, understood their message without missing details, and accurately grasped the point they were trying to make.

This technique helps avoid misunderstandings, encourages depth and accuracy, and reduces unnecessary repetition (as people often repeat themselves when they feel unheard). Reflection also subtly directs the speaker to become more aware and responsible with their words because they know that they’re being listened to closely. It can also guide the conversation in helpful directions.

C. Emotional Mirroring

This involves identifying and acknowledging the speaker’s emotions- whether stated explicitly (“I’m scared”) or implied (“My son hasn’t come back from school yet- where can he be?”).

As the listener, you act like a mirror, reflecting the speaker’s emotions in a clear, compassionate way.

The goal is to recognize and validate the speaker’s emotional world, help them clarify their feelings, and show empathy.

For example: “It sounds like you’re really stressed about the layoff letter you received and you’re worried that you won’t be able to find another job. Did I understand you correctly?”

D. Clarifying Questions

Ask open-ended questions to help the speaker elaborate. Avoid simple yes/no answers and instead invite thoughtful responses. Open questions shift the focus to the speaker and provide you with more insight.

For example:

• “Can you tell me more about how you see the situation?”

• “Help me understand your perspective better.”

• “What do you mean when you say…?”

Instead of:
“Why didn’t you come to school this week?”,
ask:
“Can you tell me what led to you being absent from school for a whole week?”

Avoid questions where the answer is obvious or leading. Rather than:
“That Torah exam must have been hard, right?”,
ask:
“How did you feel about the Torah exam?”

Also, avoid starting questions with “Why?” or “How come?” as these can sound judgmental and provoke defensiveness. Use “What?” or “How?” instead. For example, instead of: “Why did you do that?”
Ask: “How do you explain what happened regarding…?”

E. Framing (Reframing)

This involves summarizing both the content and emotions expressed by the speaker, in your own words and phrasing. This helps reorganize and clarify the speaker’s inner world.

Many people who seek advice struggle to articulate their thoughts clearly. Reframing helps them feel more organized and in control and gives them a sense of familiarity and insight into emotions they may not even be aware of.

F. My Input (Only at the Right Time)

This is your personal opinion or suggestion about the topic discussed- but don’t rush to offer advice.

Ask the speaker: “What are some possible solutions you can think of?” Write down the ideas, discuss the pros and cons of each, and explore what might work best for them.

If the speaker comes up with the solution themselves, they’re more likely to accept it emotionally and follow through because it wasn't imposed on them.

If they’re still uncertain or are too young to decide on their own, ask for their permission before suggesting something: “Would you like to hear a possible idea I had?”

By following these structured listening steps, we create a genuine personal connection, earn trust, provide tools for growth, and empower the speaker to find their own solutions. In this way we help them feel capable and confident that they have the resources to resolve their challenges.

This article was inspired by the lectures of Mr. Moti Cohen and the Active Listening workshop led by Mr. Ehud Nehir.

By Dan Cohen -Diagnostic and Certified Specialist in Special Education and Remedial Instruction