The Power of Perspective

Hi Henia,

Recently I’ve been hearing a lot about how our ability to handle difficulties in life doesn’t depend on the level of difficulty, but rather on the meaning or interpretation we assign to it. I would greatly appreciate if you could elaborate on this idea.

Thank you,
Rachel

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Dear Rachel,

Thank you so much for giving me the opportunity to expand on this important topic.

Albert Ellis, one of the founders of cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), asserted that we have the power to control ourselves and our emotions. He believed that our emotions are the direct result of our thinking patterns so that optimistic thoughts create positive emotions and destructive thoughts create negative ones.

The takeaway from this approach is that we can take responsibility for how we feel. We are not simply “victims” of emotions such as hurt, anger, stress, or feelings of worthlessness. These feelings don’t arise from some mysterious outside force that invades our soul, but they come from within, and we can influence them.

Ellis developed a model to help clarify this process:

A. An event occurs
B. It is filtered through a belief system
C. This leads to emotional and behavioral consequences
D. We challenge irrational beliefs
E. We replace them with alternative, healthier thoughts

According to this model, our emotional and behavioral responses are not caused by the event itself, but by our underlying beliefs and the conclusions we’ve drawn about ourselves and our world over time. These beliefs arise from our internal dialogue- the constant conversations we have with ourselves throughout the day. While these inner conversations may seem automatic or out of our control, with practice, we can take the reins.

In therapy, we first identify the emotion (step C), trace it back to the underlying thought (step B), challenge that thought (step D), and replace it with a more constructive one (step E).

Example:
Batya didn’t manage to make lunch today (A – event). She feels guilty, depressed, and angry at herself (C – emotions). The belief behind those emotions (B) might be: “Everything must be perfect. If it’s not, it’s a disaster, and I’m a failure.” This leads her to feel helpless and unmotivated, possibly even skipping dinner preparation.

Cognitive therapy teaches us to move from “overgeneralizing” to more balanced, constructive thinking.

The irrational belief says: “If one thing is wrong, everything is wrong- and that’s a catastrophe.” The result: “I’m not a good mom. I deserve to be punished.” The self-punishment shows up as depression or discouragement.

A healthier alternative for Batya would be to say: “I didn’t make lunch today, so what?” If she can recognize this inner criticism and reframe it: “It’s okay if lunch didn’t happen. I’m still a good mother who cares for her kids in many other ways,” she’ll likely feel more energized and capable. She may even feel motivated to make dinner or invest in another positive activity.

This therapy doesn’t focus on the past but centers on the here and now. The main principle is that our emotional and behavioral reactions are shaped by how we interpret events.

Two people can go through the same experience and respond in very different ways. If our interpretation is destructive, we can change it- and this change will naturally shift our emotions and behavior as well. As a well-known philosopher once said: "Nothing is good or bad, but thinking makes it so."

Another example:
A friend you haven’t seen in a while calls to say she’s on her way over. The house is a mess, you’ve just returned from the doctor with a cranky baby, the beds are unmade, the laundry’s piling up, and your friend is en route. If you think, “Oh no, she’s going to think I’m a disaster!” you’ll probably feel anxious, stressed, and the meeting might go poorly. But if you tell yourself, “Things are a bit chaotic today, but I’m excited to see her,” you’ll feel happier and more relaxed.

Ellis identified 10 irrational beliefs- see if any resonate with you:

1. I must be loved and approved of by everyone important to me.

2. I must succeed in everything I do.

3. If things don’t go my way, it’s awful.

4. If someone does something wrong, they’re bad and deserve harsh punishment.

5. If something might go wrong, I must constantly worry about it.

6. If problems don’t get fixed quickly, it’s terrible.

7. Emotional distress comes from external forces, not from within me.

8. It’s not worth trying- what’s the point?

9. My past controls my present.

10. Happiness comes from doing nothing.

These beliefs lead to self-punishment when we fall short of our goals, but we can replace them with new, healthier assumptions.

Instead of “It’s terrible things didn’t go as I wanted,” I can say: “It’s a shame- but not a disaster.”

Instead of “This must be perfect,” I can say: “It would be nice if it were better, but I can accept it for now.”

This shift from demanding to preferring helps reduce emotional overwhelm.

Research shows that cognitive therapy is just as effective as medication for treating depression, and often provides more lasting results. Ongoing practice in reshaping our beliefs literally retrains the brain. We become more compassionate toward ourselves and others, more accepting of reality, and ultimately, emotionally healthier.

There are group therapies that teach this, or you can work one-on-one with a therapist, or practice solo using this method:

Try this exercise:

1. Recall a stressful event. Picture it clearly: who was there, what was said, what happened.

2. Notice the automatic thoughts that come up.

3. Write them down on the right side of the page.

4. Try to create alternative thoughts- write them on the left side.

Examples:

• Automatic thought: “Why do people always hurt me?”
  Alternative: “It’s not about me personally- it's just how they are.”

• Automatic thought: “I don’t know what to say.”
  Alternative: “That’s okay- not every situation requires me to be perfect.”

• Automatic thought: “How could I be so stupid?”
  Alternative: “I didn’t know better then. Now I do and I can improve.”

• Automatic thought: “Nothing ever works out for me.”
  Alternative: “Sometimes things are hard. That’s life, but I’m learning to deal with it.”

Do you notice the emotional shift? You’ll feel calmer, more optimistic, and more empowered. Instead of letting hardships break you, they become fuel for your growth, and you become a more complete version of yourself.

Start by identifying the irrational beliefs that trip you up. Ask yourself, “What’s so terrible if...?” You might discover that it’s not so terrible after all- only unpleasant/

Each person can turn opportunities into struggles. But we can just as easily, turn struggles into opportunities.

Wishing you great success,
Henia

Henia Luberbaum is a clinical social worker, a therapist managing Magen.