Knowing When to Say No: The Limits of Kindness

I have a question about kindness. I often hear people say that when someone does acts of kindness, they must also know when to say no. How can a person know whether, in a given situation, it’s right to say no- or if they should push themselves and do the kindness with self-sacrifice?

To be clear, my question is not about how to overcome discomfort when saying no, but rather whether there is an objective boundary, and how to recognize it.

Thank you,
Baruch

Answer:

When God created the world, He did so using a blend of two divine attributes: chesed (lovingkindness) and din (judgment). Chesed is characterized by unrestricted giving and expansiveness, while din represents limitation, discernment, and boundaries. The combination of these two qualities is not just a wondrous aspect of divine providence, but plays a role even in our daily lives.

Take a simple example: a cup of tea. The tea represents chesed, the generous outpouring. But without the cup, which represents din, it would spill and be unusable. Tea without a cup can’t be enjoyed; a cup without tea serves no purpose. So too in human relationships: kindness without boundaries is unsustainable, and boundaries without kindness are cold and ineffective.

"According to One’s Strength and Ability"

This balance is reflected in Jewish law regarding charity. The Shulchan Aruch (Yoreh De’ah 249:1) teaches: “If a person has the means, they should give according to the needs of the poor. If they don’t, they should give up to a fifth of their assets, which is the preferred way, while a tenth is an average measure.” The Rema adds: “A person should not give more than a fifth, so as not to become needy themselves.”

The directive is to give what you can, but no more than your limits allow so that your kindness doesn't lead to poverty.

Even when one cannot give materially, the Shulchan Aruch instructs us on how to say “no”: “If a poor person asks and one cannot give, he should not scold or raise his voice, but rather gently explain that he wishes he could help, but cannot.”

As we can understand, even acts of generosity require discernment and boundaries. The rule is “according to one’s strength and ability”- but even when declining, we are encouraged to do so with compassion.

Most of Us Aren’t Millionaires

This principle applies not only to money, but to all forms of kindness including emotional support, time, advice, even a smile. The Talmud teaches: “Showing someone the white of your teeth (smiling) is better than giving them milk to drink.” (Ketubot 111b)

If your heart is open and your emotional capacity strong, you should give generously to those who are emotionally “poor” as well. However, most people aren’t spiritual or emotional millionaires. Time, energy, and emotional bandwidth are limited.

This raises a powerful question: should we “tithe” our time and emotional energy just like we tithe money? Is there a way to measure such things?

Probably not with precision. But the Rema’s principle still applies: don’t give so much of yourself that you “become needy” in return. If you’ve given so much of your time, energy, or compassion that you no longer have enough for yourself or your family, you’ve crossed a boundary.

How to Recognize When You’ve Given Too Much

It's easier to calculate financial limits than emotional ones, but if your giving leaves you feeling resentful, drained, or bitter, as if you're being coerced or guilted into helping- chances are you've overextended. That’s when it’s time to kindly and gently say no. This soft, honest response helps the recipient accept the refusal without resentment, and allows the giver to stay true to their limits without guilt.

Don’t Be Too Righteous…

This is the meaning behind Ecclesiastes (7:16–17): “Do not be overly righteous… and do not be overly wicked.”

One must not go beyond his real ability in the name of righteousness, or he may end up doing harm to himself or to others. This is self-destruction dressed as virtue.

We are to help others, but our kindness must be measured, wise, and sustainable. We must not give to the point that we become dependent ourselves. or cause unintended harm.

Be Honest About Your Limits

Just as some people give too much out of guilt or habit, others may convince themselves they can’t give when, in truth, they can. This balance requires deep honesty and self-awareness.

The Shulchan Aruch hints at this as well, saying that if a person can’t give, they should still show a sincere desire to help. If that feeling is missing, then perhaps the refusal isn’t based on real limitation, but rather on avoidance or apathy.

May we all be blessed with abundance from G-d’s infinite kindness, and be able to share it with others from a place of joy, wisdom, and compassion.