Permission to Feel: A Torah-Based Approach to Healing Anger

In recent years, personal growth and emotional treatment methods rooted in Torah sources commonly referred to as "Jewish Psychology" have developed. One of the leading figures in this field is Rabbi Elimelech Lamdan, who developed a structured method known as Torapia. This approach guides individuals toward self-fulfillment and helps address various personality issues. One topic addressed by Rabbi Lamdan is how to manage anger.

The Roots of Repressed Anger

Have you ever seen a child get angry as naturally as they laugh? Perhaps this is apparent at age one or two, but very quickly, children learn not to express anger. When they do, they are often met with scolding or silencing from their parents, and sometimes worse. Instinctively, the child learns to suppress their anger because it doesn’t “pay” to express it. The anger doesn’t disappear however, but is simply suppressed.

Anger that isn’t expressed verbally or otherwise acknowledged builds up in the child’s heart. Over time, the child becomes so used to swallowing anger that they begin ignoring it altogether. Eventually, they may not even be aware it exists- at least not consciously. That accumulated anger becomes a kind of emotional volcano so that once the internal pressure crosses a certain threshold, it erupts. These eruptions release the pressure, but are destructive and painful.

Whether someone seems naturally angry or outwardly calm and composed, suppressed anger eventually demands expression. The difference lies only in how often and how visibly that expression happens.

“You're Not Allowed to Be Angry!” – Really?

Society at large tends to view anger as negative and unacceptable. What does Torah say about it? Jewish sources are extremely harsh about both anger and hatred. Hating your fellow in your heart is a biblical prohibition and the Talmud says: “Whoever gets angry- it is as if they worship idols.” It adds: “All types of hell dominate someone who is angry,” and, “Even the Divine Presence holds no significance in front of such a person.” Many additional rabbinic sources speak sharply about the damage caused by these traits.

It therefore seems clear why the Rambam ruled that one must go to the absolute extreme in avoiding anger, unlike other negative traits, which are to be moderated. Anger, he explained, has no constructive role whatsoever. The Sages permitted someone to appear angry, only for educational purposes.

Are parents correct to scold a child and tell them that they are no allowed to be angry? At first glance, yes. However, once we understand the psychological harm caused by repressed anger, we begin to question the total rejection of a natural emotion. Suppressed anger leads to internal toxicity, emotional repression, and destructive outbursts throughout life. These can even threaten a person’s mental health.

Is It Permitted to Be Angry?

There is in fact no halachic prohibition against feeling anger. Anger is a natural emotion ingrained in human nature, and therefore cannot be forbidden. Both the evil inclination and anger are built into us- they are to be worked with, not denied.

We are commanded to honor our parents, and yet many of our inner struggles originate from the home. Despite their love, parents may not have known how to meet our emotional needs, often due to their own unresolved childhood gaps. This is part of human development. We must therefore honor them but also accept that we carry anger, without blaming ourselves.

If anger is a natural inner experience, telling someone “You’re not allowed to be angry” is both unrealistic and harmful. That very restriction builds dangerous pressure.

Reframing the Harm in Anger

What exactly is wrong with anger? The buildup and internalization of anger is the problem. When anger is repressed due to its “forbidden” status, it turns into a toxic emotional force. A person who carries long-term repressed anger becomes enslaved to it, living under its shadow, and often feeling that life itself is torture.

This explains the harsh rabbinic statements such as “Whoever gets angry- is as if they worship idols". This doesn't condemn the existence of anger, but its power to overtake a person’s soul when denied, ignored, and buried.

Instead of telling a child not to be angry, approach the child who is kicking the floor because they didn’t get a candy, and instead of rebuking them for being angry, acknowledge and guide:
“Danny, I see that you're angry. You're very upset right now. But even when we're angry, it's never okay to kick your mom. You're not getting the candy- not because you're angry, but because it's not good for you.”

This form of validation, paired with clear boundaries, helps the child recognize and manage their emotions in healthy ways.

Unfortunately, few children receive wise emotional coaching, often because their parents didn’t either. The opposite extreme is also common today, where parents allow children to act out freely, disrespectfully, and dangerously, often giving in to the tantrums. This lack of discipline and limits is just as harmful to emotional development as suppressive parenting.

In his bestselling book Torapia, Rabbi Lamdan offers a comprehensive method for dealing with anger, by acknowledging its existence, understanding its roots, and providing tools for expressing and transforming it in constructive, emotionally honest ways.