You Won't Believe What's Most Important in the Mitzvah of Honoring Parents. Hint: Not What You Thought

Rabbi Abraham Danzig, author of the book "Chayei Adam," writes in chapter 67 about the laws of honoring father and mother. The book "Chayei Adam" is considered one of the fundamental works among later authorities, and it is frequently cited in the "Mishnah Berurah."

Below are ten laws regarding honoring parents, as presented in the book "Chayei Adam:"

1. "If one has a father or mother, one should endeavor to attend to their needs, which is a positive commandment from the Torah and among the most serious of obligations." (Jerusalem Talmud, beginning of Tractate Peah).

2. "A person must honor their father and mother and fear them, and must be very careful with their honor and reverence, as their honor and reverence is compared to the honor and reverence of Hashem."

3. There are three partners in a person: Hashem, father, and mother. The Sages said: "When a person honors their father and mother, Hashem says, 'I consider it as if I dwelled among them and they honored Me. And when one causes pain to their father and mother, Hashem says: 'I did well not to dwell among them, for had I been among them, they would have caused Me pain.'"

4. The "Chayei Adam" notes that "obviously one must love their father and mother as oneself, since they are included in 'Love your neighbor as yourself,'" but regarding parents, "their love is compared to the love of Hashem. And one must love them with intense love, just as they loved him, and they should not be a burden or load to him. If a person does not honor their father and mother, harsh decrees come upon them. Since their honor is compared to the honor of Hashem, the punishment is also equivalent.

5. The "Chayei Adam" further adds: "May the mouths of those who speak falsehood be shut, those who say they need not feel gratitude to their father and mother because they acted for their own pleasure, and the child was born naturally, and once born, Hashem instilled the natural instinct for parents to raise their children." About people making such claims, the "Chayei Adam" writes sharply: "Let them be silenced, muted, and deafened. About this, the Sages said that whoever denies the goodness of his fellow will eventually deny the goodness of Hashem, and by their reasoning, they also need not honor or fear Hashem, since we are His handiwork and it is fitting for Him to do good and have mercy on His creations. Without doubt," concludes the "Chayei Adam," "those who say such things are disbelievers in their hearts."

6. How is honor shown? The "Chayei Adam" writes: "Honor is in thought, deed, and speech," and elaborates: Honor in thought is the most essential - one should honor their father and mother in their heart, "considering them great and honorable people, even if in the eyes of others they are not considered important at all, and this is the essence of honor (in thought)."

(Illustration photo: shutterstock)

7. Honor in deed – "One is obligated to honor them with one's body and money, to feed them, give them drink, clothe them, and attend to all their needs. And whatever one gives them should be given with a pleasant countenance, for even if one feeds them the finest foods daily but shows them an angry face, they will be punished for it. Conversely, even if one has them grinding in a mill but intends it for their good, and speaks words of comfort to their hearts and shows them that the intention is for their benefit, and that it's impossible to support them in any other way, until they agree to grind, such a person inherits the World to Come." The "Chayei Adam" adds: "And one is obligated to serve them as a servant serves his master." (Kiddushin 31 and Tosafot there)

8. Honor in speech – "If one needed something in town and knew that it would be provided for the sake of their father, even though they know it would also be done for their own sake, they should not say 'Do this for me,' but rather 'Do it for my father's sake,' in order to attribute the honor to their father."

9. Honor after a father's death – The law states: "One is obligated to honor him even after his death." The "Chayei Adam" provides several examples: "If one heard a teaching from him, they should say, 'Thus said my father and teacher, may I be an atonement for his resting place.' Similarly, when signing one's name, they should write 'may I be an atonement for his resting place.' All this applies specifically within the 12 months [of mourning], and after 12 months, one says 'may their memory be for a blessing.'" The "Chayei Adam" adds that "the Kaddish prayers that are customarily recited are also for the sake of honoring one's father, as one is obligated to honor them in their death."

10. Rising in their honor – The law states that "one is obligated to stand before their father and mother at their full height. When seeing them from a distance, as far as one can see them until they are out of sight or until they sit down." The obligation to stand is only twice a day – morning and evening. However, if there are people present who don't know that one has already stood for them, then one must stand again. Another opinion: "Even a hundred times a day one is obligated."

Nevertheless, many parents waive their honor, and "a father who forgoes his honor – his honor is forgone." Meaning, if parents tell their child that they need not rise for them, the child is exempt. However, it is still very appropriate to do so and to honor them by rising.

11. A married woman – It should be remembered that the honor of a husband takes precedence over the honor of the father, and therefore a married woman is exempt from toiling and performing tasks for her parents. If, as a result of the woman's efforts for her parents, conflict arises with her husband and peace in the home is disrupted, the woman is exempt from honoring her parents.

However, if the husband does not mind, the woman is obligated in all aspects of the commandment. Halachic works state that it is appropriate for every husband to tell his wife to attend to her father's and mother's needs before his own. It is also ruled that a woman who is divorced or widowed is once again obligated to honor her father and mother according to the law.

A married woman whose husband is abroad - A married woman whose husband is abroad and has time available, and whose parents ask her to come care for them, should go and take care of them, or send a representative on her behalf to attend to her parents' needs.

12. Even one who has a wife and children, and has himself reached old age, is obligated in the reverence and honor of father and mother, and must stand before their parents.

13. Young children - Even a young boy or girl who has not reached the age of mitzvot should be trained to honor their parents properly. For example: accustoming them to stand before them as far as they can see them, to be careful not to sit in their designated places, not to interrupt them when they speak, and more. It is appropriate for parents not to forgo their honor with their young children, so that the children become accustomed to fulfilling the commandment.

14. An adopted child – According to Halacha, even a child whose parents gave him up for adoption in his childhood, and who did not raise him at all, the child is obligated to honor his parents properly. Even a child born after his mother was divorced, who never had a connection with his father, and whose father relinquished all his rights and connections with the child before a rabbinical court, is nevertheless obligated in the commandment of honoring his father, and if his father dies, he is obligated in the laws of mourning, sitting shiva and observing the thirty days, and keeping the 12 months by saying Kaddish, etc.

15. A mamzer – The obligation of the commandment to honor parents can be learned from the halachic ruling regarding a mamzer. A mamzer is one who was born to his parents as a result of a serious sin they committed. Even though, due to his parents' sin, this child will not be able to establish a family and marry according to Halacha, he too is obligated to honor his parents. Thus it is written: "A mamzer is obligated in honoring his father and mother and in fearing them. And even if his father was wicked and a transgressor, he honors him and fears him."

Rabbi Kfir Shachar in an enlightening lecture on the subject: