How to Cope with the Death of a Family Member? A Moving Letter from Rabbi Shlomo Wolbe, Author of "Alei Shur"

Rabbi Shlomo Wolbe, in his inspiring book "Alei Shur", presents a rare and moving letter written by a student of Rabbi Yeruchem Levovitz of Mir, of blessed memory. This letter, rich with deep insights into the mystery of death, offers us a unique Jewish perspective on the meaning of life and the eternal bond between body and soul.

The full letter follows:

My dear and beloved sons and daughters

I am writing you this letter, and I hope that you will read it only many years from now: I wish to comfort you upon my no longer being with you. No one knows their time, and the day will come—may Hashem extend our days for the good—when my seat at home will be vacant forever, and you will be orphans.

And so, my beloved, I have seen many orphans; most of them—their world darkens without advice or hope. The little ones are full of envy, "Everyone has a father, and I don't," and the older ones are also shaken, to the point that their world collapses. Only a few I have seen bear their orphanhood with resilience, even rising as a result of the occurrence.Thinking about this, I said in my heart: Before comforting the orphans, we must teach them how to bear their orphanhood, and I hope to be able to teach you this, so you will understand my upcoming words that they may enlighten you!

The key to the mystery of life is faith in the Eternal One. A divine vitality gives life to the entire world, every plant (each having an angel, a spiritual force, that strikes it and tells it 'grow!') and every person. This vitality is the essence of all, and the essence of a person is their spirit and soul.

And so, my beloved children, I hope I have succeeded in raising you with faith—henceforth, strengthen yourself in faith and know that within it lies the key to the mystery of death! If the nullification of the body were the nullification of the person themselves, there would be no comfort for mourning apart from forgetting, but that's not the case! The body ceases, yet the person lives!

Rabbi Yeruchem Levovitz, of blessed memory, wrote in a condolence letter words such as these: "We have no understanding of death other than a transfer from city to city, nothing more, and this is the absolute truth, that your father, of blessed memory, did not die, God forbid, but he lives, and it is only a matter of relocation. To those who understand and know the subtle matters, they know and understand that indeed now he is even closer and more present with us than he was in life, for there is no barrier before him!"

What a great thing this is! Only a great and holy man like Rabbi Yeruchem Levovitz could reveal such a wonderful thing to us.

Indeed, faith knows no death! And this is the truth: the departed - they live! They know and feel everything, and are always close to their relatives!

Yet even with this knowledge, you might not find solace from the sorrow of separation; after all, children are accustomed to seeing their father, hearing his advice, receiving his help, and even sons who no longer rely on their father's table lean on him and become stronger knowing he is nearby. Who can fill this void?

But know, my beloved, if you truly loved me when I was among you, and your love for me was not superficial, you will always be able to see your father before your eyes and know what he would have said and advised you. Take an example from the story of Yosef the righteous, who withstood the trial by envisioning the form of his father.

Therefore, everyone who bears the form of their father's image in their heart can also thereby find strength and recovery, and most importantly, to know that the essence of a person is their spirituality, and their spirituality is alive and enduring!

Nonetheless, there is one more thing I want to tell you, which is what I felt when I became an orphan.

Everyone feels during their mourning a push to come closer to mitzvot and good deeds, even those who cast off the yoke observe the "Kaddish," don a talit and tefillin, and pray. Where does this urge come from?

There is a profound reason for this. The sages say: There are three partners in a person—the father, the mother, and Hashem. Usually, a child sees only their father and mother. The third partner is unseen. But when parents leave and go to their world, the heart tells them (through the deep-seated faith living in every Jewish heart) to now cast their hope on the third partner...

The one strengthened by this faith understands and feels it with certainty and simplicity: "For my father and my mother have deserted me, and Hashem will gather me in!"

This is the truth: The physical father was merely an emissary from the true father in heaven, and when the mission of the physical father is completed, the son forms a strong bond with their father in heaven, and it is better to take refuge in Hashem than to trust in man!

This is what I felt during my mourning for my parents, and this is what I pass on to you, my beloved children. And know that the essence of all essences for every person and in every age, especially for orphans, is to strengthen greatly in faith, to truly feel His blessed providence, and how He, blessed be He, guides you every day and provides for all your needs both physically and spiritually, aligning your steps, and nothing will be lacking if you are very strong in faith!

Only those who live with this faith can also find comfort. Remember, my beloved ones, that even in consolation I have learned to think differently from most: a person's environment—their home, their Torah scholars, their friends—helps them maintain their standing and even elevate themselves further. The whole aspiration of a person is to rise in their level and not descend, heaven forbid. When one of their relatives is taken from them—one of the supporters of their standing and spiritual status is missing.

One finds solace when they gain once again someone who supports and maintains them in their standing to avoid, heaven forbid, a fall in spirit, and even rise higher. This is what the Torah narrates about Isaac our patriarch: "And Isaac brought her into the tent of Sarah his mother, and he took Rebekah, and she became his wife, and he loved her, and Isaac was comforted after his mother's death." And Rashi wrote: "He brought her into the tent, and here she was, Sarah his mother, meaning she became like Sarah his mother, for as long as Sarah existed, a candle burned from Shabbat eve to Shabbat eve, a blessing was found in the dough, and a cloud was bound to the tent. When she died, these ceased, and when Rebecca arrived, they returned, and with this Isaac was comforted after his mother, for he found continuity for his home and state.

And you, my beloved, do this and find comfort: draw closer to one another, each person helping their friend and say to their brother be strong, and remove despair and sadness from your heart; may your friends only be whole in faith, lovers of Torah and its learners, and always be in the state of "those who come to purify," who are aided, as explained by Maimonides, those who come to purify "will find themselves assisted in the matter." Know with complete certainty that the place will comfort you and provide continuity for your path—our path, to strengthen in faith and Torah and to build faithful houses for the observance of Hashem's commandments, and from this, I will also be rebuilt as the sages said: whoever leaves a worthy son is as if they have not died. This is my advice and plea and my final word to you, my beloved: believe and be trustworthy, and then a light is sown on your path forever!

With love,

Your father.