Transforming Grief into Strength: A Jewish Perspective on Coping with Loss and Finding Purpose in Suffering

Many who lose their loved ones remain in a state of deep sadness for years, often sinking into depression, and in many cases, this emotional weight disrupts even their basic daily functioning.

It is truly difficult to grasp the depth of pain felt by bereaved parents or spouses who have lost their life partners. And yet, they are called upon to reflect on the hidden benefits that can arise from their loss.

The Talmud (Brachot 5b) tells of Rabbi Yochanan, who buried ten of his sons. When his last son passed away, he kept a small bone from him in his pocket. Whenever he visited mourners, he would show them this bone and say: “This is from my tenth son. You too should find comfort in your sorrow.”

Only those who have endured loss can truly console others in mourning. If God has tested you with such suffering, it indicates that you have within you the strength to be among His faithful, those who accept His decrees and serve as living examples of complete faith and trust. If God has chosen you for this test, it indicates that you are worthy of sanctifying His name and strong enough to bear this burden. You must therefore strengthen yourself with faith and joy, demonstrating to God and the world the unwavering strength of your belief. Others who are weak-hearted and fragile in spirit will learn from your example, and this will be your reward, in addition to the spiritual refinement that suffering itself brings — cleansing your soul before God and drawing His love.

"And Aaron was Silent"

We find a similar lesson in the way Moses comforted Aaron after the death of his sons, Nadav and Avihu. The Torah records Aaron’s response: “And Aaron was silent” — he accepted the divine decree in silence. The Talmud teaches that because Aaron remained silent and did not question God, he merited that God Himself spoke to him directly in the section of "Intoxicated Priests" (Rashi, Leviticus 10:3). Certainly, those who accept their suffering with faith and silence are greatly rewarded. The truest measure of acceptance is seen when the mourner returns to normal life, reconnects with God with even greater devotion, and strengthens that bond. If the suffering leads to deeper connection and spiritual growth, it has fulfilled its ultimate purpose.

This is especially true when the tragedy involved returning the soul of a child pure and untainted to its Maker. In the future, these children will rise again at the Resurrection of the Dead, as explained by the Ramak (Rabbi Moshe Cordovero).

Suffering as a Path to Atonement and Spiritual Elevation

The Ramak writes in Shiur Komah that when a person loses children, it can be a form of suffering out of love from God. Sometimes, these tragedies come to cleanse the parent's sins, offering atonement. The soul of the deceased child itself is often a soul that needed to return briefly to this world to complete a spiritual rectification. By undergoing this pain, the parents are spared from harsher decrees, and the child’s soul is returned pure to Heaven. Such suffering serves multiple purposes including atoning for the parent, purifying the child, and ensuring that these children will rise again and be counted among their parents at the Resurrection.

Accepting such decrees with love, faith, and trust — even when it is beyond human comprehension, is a sign of spiritual greatness.

Accepting Divine Discipline with Love

Rabbi Nachum of Horodna, a righteous man who lost many of his children in his lifetime, accepted his suffering with love. Even though his prayers saved the lives of many others, his own children were not spared. When his wife bitterly lamented their losses, Rabbi Nachum responded with silence, accepting God's decree. After the mourning period, he comforted her, saying: “Am I greater than Aaron, who lost his righteous sons Nadav and Avihu? Or greater than Rabbi Yochanan, who buried ten sons?”

He reminded her of the teaching in Tz’enah U’Re’enah that God sanctifies His name through His closest and most beloved. He explained that these tragedies serve as atonement, ensuring that no punishment would await them in the World to Come. He emphasized that God, who sees the full picture, knew that their descendants would not be as righteous, and thus took them early while they were still pure.

Returning to Life and Continuing the Mission

It is crucial not to prolong mourning beyond the prescribed limits set by our sages (3 days of intense weeping, 7 days of eulogies, 30 days until haircutting). Excessive mourning is not only futile, but also contrary to Torah law.

The Chofetz Chaim, after losing his son, was overheard saying in his study: “Satan, Satan! You wish to distract me from my holy work on the Mishnah Berurah — I will not listen to you! I am continuing with my sacred task!”

Similarly, the Divrei Chaim of Sanz, after burying his seven-year-old son early one morning, said: “A person is walking along when suddenly he feels a hard blow on his back. He turns around, ready to be angry — but then sees it’s his dearest friend giving him a loving pat. His anger dissolves into joy, seeing it’s a gesture of affection. Today, I received a terrible blow. But when I considered Who it came from — from my beloved Creator — I knew I must accept it with love and even rejoice.”

Immediately after, he began the morning prayer with joy, proclaiming: “Give thanks to the Lord, call upon His name, declare His deeds among the nations…”