The Test of Faith: Support for Those Experiencing the Loss of Loved Ones

Many who lose loved ones remain in a somber mood for years, often slipping into deep depression, sometimes affecting their ability to perform even basic functions.

It's truly challenging to delve into the depth of the grief experienced by bereaved parents or spouses who have lost their partners. However, they need to recognize the many benefits they derive from this situation.

First, let's refer to the words of the Gemara (Berachot 5b), which tells of Rabbi Yochanan, who lost ten sons. When his last son passed away, he buried him and kept a small bone from him in his pocket. Whenever he went to console mourners, he would say, "This is a bone from my tenth son, and therefore you too should find comfort in your sorrows."

Similarly, we can say that only those who have experienced such loss can truly console others who have faced the same. If the hand of Hashem has touched you, it means you possess the strength and the opportunity to be among His warriors, His chosen ones, the acceptors of His decrees, serving as a perfect example of faith and trust in Hashem. And if Hashem chose to test you, it shows you are deemed worthy of sanctifying His name, and you are sufficiently strengthened for it. You must strengthen your faith and joy, showing Hashem and the whole world the strength of your belief, leading those of lesser strength and heart to learn from you, and that will be your reward, apart from the simple reward for these tribulations which help purify you before Hashem.

"And Aaron remained silent"

As we find, when Moses consoled Aaron over the death of his sons, Aaron's response was to remain silent, accepting divine judgment without question. The Midrash comments that because Aaron did not question Hashem, he was granted a special communication from Him in the portion of intoxicating liquors (Rashi, Leviticus 10:3). Certainly, the reward is great for those who accept in silence and faith. This will determine if they truly accepted their trials with joy - when they return to their regular lives and cling to Hashem all the more, the trials will have accomplished the divine desire of their decreer. Especially if their tragedy resulted in their sons and daughters returning pure and unblemished.

The "Shiur Komah" by Rabbi Moshe Cordovero writes: The Gemara in Tractate Berachot says that if a person had children and they died, these are sufferings of love. If he had no children at all, these are not sufferings of love. Some sufferings are for sin, yet sometimes they come from Hashem's love and compassion for a person who deserved death. Through the death of his children, his sins are atoned, since Hashem will give him children and they will pass away due to his misdeeds, purifying him. These sufferings of love have multiple purposes: repaying a debt, purifying their souls, raising them in resurrection as his children, and allowing him the merit of raising them with mitzvot, unlike one who suffers childlessness, gaining none of these benefits.

Accept Hashem's Rebuke with Love and Consent

It's told about Rabbi Nachum of Horodna, when faced with the deaths of many of his sons, that he grieved deeply yet accepted everything with love, acknowledging no wrongdoing. Despite his profound grief, he comforted his wife by comparing himself to notable figures who also lost children. He rationalized with her, explaining that it was Hashem’s divine will and for atonement of their sins. Hidden reasons lie beyond our understanding, leading to pure souls ascending to heaven.

When his seventeenth son passed, many came to comfort him. He expressed that those who cling to faith must accept all sorrows with love and joy, for Hashem's chastening is a sign of His love. However, one must pray that future trials cease, lest his faith weaken. An analogy was given regarding a businessman prospering too fast, potentially leading to a money trap, reflecting on the words of King David: "The troubles of my heart have expanded," indicating a positive sign, yet praying to be spared upheaval.

This Is Our Sole Purpose in the World

One's only obligation is to fulfill what the Torah commands, such as the obligation of procreation, marrying and having children. Whether children live or not, one receives their due reward, as Hashem acts for mankind's good. Furthermore, even if a son leaves this world, he is not truly lost. Just as a child moving far away remains a child, so here too, eventually reunion in the eternal world awaits. The lost child is safe from harm and peril, escorted to paradise beyond.

Thus, why mourn excessively beyond the rabbinic teachings' allowances: "Three for weeping, seven for eulogizing, thirty for cutting hair"? Increasing grief goes against these teachings. Focus should remain on fulfilling divine commands, as that's our purpose in life, with Hashem acting in His world according to His divine plan.

After the 'shiva' for Rabbi Avraham, son of the "Chafetz Chaim," he secluded himself in his room, heard exclaiming, "Satan! You aim to distract me from my holy work of composing the 'Mishna Brura' - I will not listen to you! I continue in my sacred task!"

Upon returning from his son Aryeh Leib's funeral, who died at age seven, the author of "Divrei Chaim" delivered words of peace and comfort, stating: One may initially respond with anger upon receiving a blow but upon recognizing it as from a beloved friend, embraces it with love. He too received a harsh blow yet accepts it with joy and graciousness, for indeed it was from the Creator Himself whom he loves.

Upon concluding his words, he immediately resumed his sacred work with the morning prayer, exclaiming: "Thank Hashem, call upon His name, proclaim His deeds among the peoples, sing to Him, make music to Him…"

This article is taken from the book "Living with Faith." To purchase Rabbi Yaakov Israel Lugasi's book click here.