The Secret to Overcoming Jealousy and Desire: A Life-Changing Lesson on Faith

On the commandment "You shall not covet your neighbor’s wife…” (Exodus 20:14), the Ibn Ezra poses a question: How is it possible for a person to avoid the sin of coveting? How can one be commanded not to desire something that belongs to another, when human nature inherently craves what others possess? He offers a profound answer, which we will now explore.

Imagine a simple farmer, who spent his entire life tending onions and eggplants. One day, he hears a commotion in the city square. Curious, he abandons his work and, still wearing his dirty garments, hurries to see what the noise is about. He beholds a royal princess passing by in a splendid carriage, accompanied by a renowned prince, with songs and fanfare celebrating their imminent marriage.

Would it cross the mind of this peasant to wish: “What a pity I wasn’t destined to marry this princess and sit beside her in that glorious carriage”? Wouldn’t anyone who thought this way be deemed a fool? After all, what connection does a simple farmer have with the king’s daughter? It would be considered a privilege just to witness such a spectacle; to desire to be her husband is absurd.

Who can rightfully envy the prince? Only other noble princes, who had a chance at being chosen, could perhaps harbor such feelings. For a lowly peasant however, such desires are sheer folly.

Belief in One's Destined Spouse

In the same vein, explains the Ibn Ezra, a person must internalize the belief that everything — be it a spouse, a house, or any possession, is decreed from Above. What belongs to one’s fellow is simply not part of his lot. For him, it is as distant and unattainable as the princess is to the peasant.

If a person truly believes that their fellow's wife or house is decreed by Heaven for them alone, desiring it is like the peasant yearning to marry the princess — utterly unrealistic. Divine decree stands as an insurmountable barrier, even greater than natural circumstances or social status.

We often assume that we deserve what others have and blame our shortcomings for our lack of success. And yet, faith demands that we accept that what has been allocated to someone else is fundamentally beyond our reach, regardless of perceived equality or merit. If God willed it to be theirs, then it is as if it never existed for us.

Thus, it is only through pure faith that one can remove covetousness, jealousy, competition, and pride. Without faith, life becomes a bitter struggle of endless comparisons: “Why does he have this house, that spouse? Why not me? Am I less deserving?” However, a believer understands that if God did not decree something for him, it is as if it does not exist in his reality.

“I’ve Been Married for Years, but This Isn’t What I Wanted…”

A heartbroken man once come to me for advice. It took him a long time to open up, and finally, he admitted: “I’ve been married for years, but this isn’t what I wanted. I always imagined a wife with a particular look and character, and since I didn’t get that, I’ve lived in quiet dissatisfaction.” I asked him, “Do you have marital strife?” He answered, “Rabbi, believe me, my wife is a wonderful person. I just feel that I didn’t get what I had envisioned, and now I’m stuck with what I’ve got.”

I asked him, “Where is your faith? Isn’t a person’s spouse decreed from Heaven? God wants you to serve Him with this woman, with her personality and traits, exactly as she is. Anything else is as distant from you as the princess from the peasant — it simply doesn’t exist for you. Not only is it unattainable, but it is irrelevant to your reality as God has no desire for you to have it.”

Whether a house, a car, or any possession, after the purchase, people often compare and feel dissatisfied: “Why didn’t I get a specific model or brand?” However, one must believe that what he acquired is his destined lot, and what he did not acquire is infinitely distant, as if it never existed for him. It is not simply a missed opportunity, but it was never his to begin with.

Faith Is the Only Solution to Jealousy and Desire

The only remedy for jealousy, desire, and pride is complete faith. Without it, people will devour each other alive with envy. “Who is rich? He who is content with his portion.” As King David said: “The Lord is my allotted portion and my cup” (Psalms 16:5). David teaches us to focus only on what God has designated for us and not to covet what belongs to others.

When matchmakers began suggesting matches for the son of Rabbi Yosef Chaim Sonnenfeld, he did not rush into the process as was his usual practice. When asked why, he explained: “Whenever one of my children reaches marriageable age, I pray fervently during the High Holy Days for a good match. This year, for some reason, I forgot to pray for this son, so I’m not rushing into anything until I do.”