The Test of Faith: Why Do You Look at Your Neighbor's Grass?

"You shall not covet your neighbor's wife, etc." (Exodus 20:14) - Ibn Ezra questions how one can avoid the sin of coveting and how the one who covets violates a commandment, as it is natural for a person to desire what belongs to their neighbor and wish to have what their neighbor has. The Rabbi provides an extraordinary answer to this, which we shall expand upon and glorify.

A peasant, immersed daily in his work with onions and eggplants, with no wisdom or understanding, hears the sound of music and singing in the city streets. He leaves his work, and with his dirty clothes, goes to see what the commotion is about, and lo and behold, he sees the princess, the king's daughter, passing by in a magnificent carriage with a famous prince, singing and about to be married in a few days.

Would it even occur to the peasant to think: Alas, it's a shame I didn't have the fortune to be the princess's groom and sit in that carriage with the king's daughter?! This peasant would surely be considered a fool, for what has he to do with the king's daughter?! Such a thought seems completely out of reach for him. It should be enough of a privilege for him just to witness this scene of the prince and princess's carriage, but to covet and desire to be her husband?!

And truly, who would actually have reason to envy the prince? Other princes who also had the chance to be wed to the princess because they, too, are sons of important kings, yet this prince was chosen over them. They have a reason to envy, as they could have attained that wonderful happiness.

Faith in One's Match

Thus, says Rabbi Ibn Ezra, a person who receives something through Divine decree, such as a particular wife or house, must believe that what their friend has, like a different wife or house, is distant from them and not meant for them, like the peasant desiring the princess. Due to the Divine decree separating a person from fulfilling his desires and aspirations, his chances of achieving them are further than the peasant's odds of marrying the king's daughter.

We think we deserve what our friends have and attribute our lack of achievement to our failures, yet faith necessitates that every Jew believes that if something could have seemingly easily belonged to them yet was given to another, it's actually as distant as the princess is from the peasant because it's not Hashem's will. When Hashem doesn't want to give someone's match or house to you, even if you are on the same level as that person, or even higher, and it seems by natural ways it should come to you more than to your friend, you must distance this thought from your mind and see it as distant from you as the princess is from the peasant.

And truly, only through faith can one rid themselves of desire and jealousy, coveting, competition, and honor. Without faith, life is unbearable because you will always think: This house or this certain woman should have been mine more than my friend's. What does my friend have that he was privileged with them, in what is he better than me, and why was he granted them and not I? However, the man of faith does not see himself as close to things he was not privileged with. Instead, he sees them as distant from him as the princess from the peasant, due to the king's decree.

I've Been Married for Years, but This Isn't What I Wanted...

And the writer said, a broken and crushed man came to seek my advice about a year ago, and with difficulty, he began to speak. After much hesitation, he managed to open his mouth - and what was his sorrow and pain? He says to me: I've been married for several years, but this isn’t what I wanted... I always expected a wife with a specific form and character, and when I didn't receive what I wanted, I married my current wife, and for years I haven't been satisfied. I asked him: Do you have issues with domestic harmony? He answers me: Rabbi, believe me, I wish every Jew had a wife as good as her, but I derive no satisfaction when I feel I didn't get what I wanted, and by force, I must pass my years with what I was given.

Great Master of the Universe!- I asked this man - where is your faith? Isn’t a person’s match decreed by Heaven, and doesn’t Hashem want you to serve Him with such a wife, with her nature and character as she is? The rest are distant from you as the king’s daughters are from peasants, so why desire this? More so, not only are the others distant from you, but it is as if they do not exist at all concerning you, since it is not Hashem’s will.

A person buys a house, a car, a specific item, and then sees something similar at the neighbor's but of a different brand - doesn’t his heart shrink: why didn’t I buy exactly like this? We must believe: what we have purchased is ours! It was decreed to be ours! What we didn't purchase is thousands of miles away from us, not within reach, and it is as if this object we didn’t buy doesn’t exist concerning us because it is not Hashem’s will for it to belong to us. (We elaborated on this above, Chapter 10, Section 3).

Therefore, in conclusion, the only solution to jealousy, desire, and honor is pure faith, and without it, people consume each other alive. And who is wealthy? The one who is happy with his portion! As it is said (Psalms 16:5): "The Lord is my assigned portion and cup". By way of hint, King David, may he rest in peace, says: I have nothing to envy or covet that belongs to my neighbor because the Lord determined my portion and cup, and I should only look at my portion and what is in my cup and not at what belongs to my neighbor.

When matchmakers began speaking highly of Rabbi Yosef Chaim Sonnenfeld's son, may his memory be a blessing, he did not rush into matters as usual. When his family asked about the change in his custom, he replied: While one of my children reaches marital age, I usually plead for a good match during the High Holy Days, yet during this past year’s High Holy Days I somehow forgot to specifically pray for our son, hence I am not rushing in his matchmaking matters.

The article is taken from the book "Living in Faith." To purchase Rabbi Yaakov Yisrael Lugasi's book, click here.