The Test of Faith: Who Am I Really Angry With?

A scribe once told me: there was a period when many of my tefillin and mezuzahs were invalidated [as is known, tefillin and mezuzahs must be written in order, letter by letter. If a mistake is discovered after writing has continued, the tefillin must be buried, and all the effort goes to waste], and initially, I was really upset and frustrated. Eventually, I paused to reflect - who exactly am I angry with?!

Indeed, I was not directly blaming Hashem, saying: "Master of the Universe, why are You doing this to me?" or "Master of the Universe, I don't deserve this!" Rather the frustration had no specific address. But I realized that in my anger and exasperation, I am essentially expressing my lack of agreement with whoever did to me what was done, as I do believe in the Creator's omnipotence and that nothing happens without His will. If that's the case, whatever happened to me is directly from Him, and any anger in my heart cannot be directed to any other address but the Master of the Universe whom I believe in.

The Scribe's Reflection

So, I thought, am I not contradicting myself? If I say my anger is not at Hashem, then who is it against? Another power, heaven forbid? If so, I am heretical in thinking there's another power, and even if that power is just myself, am I allowed to believe there's something I can do? If I believe in Him, that He alone does and orchestrates all actions, then indirectly my anger is only at Him. Is it right and proper to behave this way towards the merciful and gracious Creator who does everything for the good of mankind? And besides, who am I to challenge the King, reconsidering and questioning His decisions?!

Concluding, he said that after deep contemplation, he accepted that in such cases - a mishap in writing tefillin and mezuzahs - he accepts the judgment of Heaven with love. From then on, it was much easier for him to handle challenges in writing, as it's easier to accept faith concerning one specific matter. This acceptance greatly helped him in other tests of faith that require submission and acceptance of reality, which is indeed the will of Hashem. Not only that, but this conduct brought him tremendous spiritual elevation towards closeness with Hashem.

Here's a good piece of advice for strengthening faith: start by accepting to stand alone in particular tests of faith, especially where you encounter trials. From this, you will find standing in other trials as well. In contrast, someone who takes everything or several matters upon oneself will find it difficult to stand in all of them.

The attribute of faith is a delicate inclination of the soul. If a person is sensitive and experiences a moment of quiet, free from compulsive desire, he is moved and astonished... (Chazon Ish, Faith and Trust).

The article is excerpted from the book "Living Faith". To purchase Rabbi Yaakov Yisrael Lugasi's book click here.