How Envy Secretly Destroys Your Happiness — And What You Can Do About It

Envy is a trait that accompanies us from early childhood. If one of our siblings got a treat from Dad, it felt like the end of the world. If you want to see how deeply envy is embedded in us, try giving a candy to one of your children in front of the other. You’ll immediately hear: “Why only him? What about me?” This reaction is universally familiar.

If you ask, “When does it go away?” The answer: It hasn’t. We’ve just learned to hide it better. We no longer say out loud, “Why does he have what I don’t?” But almost every one of us harbors some level of envy toward others. This envy prevents us from experiencing true joy, even in our relationship with God.

The Cost of Envy

King Solomon teaches us (Proverbs 14:30): “Envy is rottenness to the bones.” It penetrates us so deeply that it can rot us from the inside out.

A person consumed by envy can descend into the darkest behavior. As the Talmud warns: Desire leads to theft, and if the thief fails, he may even commit murder to take what he covets.

This is exactly what happened with King Ahab of Israel. His wicked wife, Jezebel, coveted a vineyard that belonged to Naboth the Jezreelite. Ahab tried to buy it, but Naboth refused as this was his ancestral land. Jezebel therefore hired false witnesses to claim Naboth cursed God and the king. Naboth was executed, and by law, his property transferred to the crown. That’s when Elijah the prophet confronted Ahab with the haunting words: “Have you murdered and also inherited?” (Kings I, 21:19)

Sadly, even Torah scholars who teach and inspire others can sometimes fall into the trap of envy — disparaging fellow rabbis for no real reason, all while believing they’re doing it “for the sake of Heaven.” They don’t realize it’s envy speaking through them. If even great people can fall, what does that say about the rest of us?

In my view, most people afflicted with this trait aren’t even aware of it, but if they understood the damage it causes and how much it blocks joy and clarity in their lives, they would do everything possible to become “good of eye” — gracious, generous, and content.

Why Am I Not Happy?

Envy makes happiness impossible. Even if God were to fulfill every desire of our heart, the moment we see someone else get more than us, the joy would vanish. Like Haman the wicked who had everything: power, honor, wealth. Everyone bowed to him. But because one Jew refused to bow, Haman’s entire life felt worthless.

Sometimes even our Torah study is tainted by envy. Instead of learning to connect with God, we’re secretly competing with others for honor, trying to be as respected as Rabbi So-and-so. It’s like a small steering wheel misalignment — barely noticeable at first, but over time, it pulls the car far off course. So too, a person ruled by envy may begin with a tiny emotional distortion, but if they don’t root it out, it can cost them everything. As the Mishnah in Pirkei Avot (Ethics of the Fathers 4:21) says: “Envy, lust, and the pursuit of honor remove a person from the world.”

Envy Follows Us Everywhere

Envy seeps into all areas of life. A person may be jealous of a friend who found a more “ideal” spouse. He may be blessed with a beautiful daughter, but feel unsatisfied because his friend had a son. Even if he scores 90% on a test, he won’t be happy because someone else got 95%.

He could finally afford his dream apartment, yet the joy disappears when he finds out a friend got a better one for less. He buys a car and enjoys it, until he sees the neighbor’s newer, fancier model.

Even if God blesses him to teach Torah and inspire others, he’ll enjoy it, until he sees a colleague filling bigger halls or getting more positive feedback. He publishes a book and is proud, until he hears how many more copies someone else sold. Perhaps his name is printed lower than someone else’s on an event flyer, and his heart sinks.

This jealousy follows him through life, and sometimes, even into the next world. Some will even envy a friend who had a more impressive funeral.

Even the Kitchen Isn't Safe from Envy

A woman remodels her entire kitchen, excited to show it off to her friends. She proudly points out the Italian tile, the custom design, the modern appliances. Then one of her friends casually says, “Oh, I just renovated too, and found a more advanced kitchen model for less money…and even a new kind of tile that’s far nicer than yours.”

And just like that, her joy is gone. “What’s the point of all this,” she thinks bitterly, “if she has something better?”

This is the tragedy of envy: it steals our joy, distorts our values, and blinds us to the good we already have. Recognizing it is the first step to breaking free.