Rabbi Yigal Cohen – Do You Envy Everything Your Friend Has?

Once the sage Rabbi Yitzchak Zilberstein told a story: a young scholar from the neighborhood approached him and confessed that he greatly coveted his friend's spacious and well-lit apartment.

The rabbi, who happened to know the story of this young man, replied: "Do you also envy his cancer?"

The questioner was stunned!

The rabbi explained that this young scholar had been fighting a known illness for several months, and the doctors did not give him much chance to survive. The young man understood that not everything we see in others is as perfect as it seems.

In one of my lessons, when discussing how sweet the Torah is and how it is worthwhile to cling to it, one participant unabashedly remarked, "I envy you, honored rabbi, for learning Torah and loving it so much."

I immediately replied: "If you knew the crises I've been through in my life and how many tears my pillow absorbed, you wouldn't envy me! I have no doubt you wouldn't want to go through what I have. Take what the Creator, blessed be He, has granted you and do the best you can, and don't look at anyone else in the world!"

King Solomon already said (Proverbs 17:1) "Better a dry crust with peace and quiet than a house full of feasting, with strife." If you envy your neighbor's fancy house and luxury car, know that you must accept the whole package with them: his children, his wife, his physical and mental health issues, all of his troubles and hardships. There is no doubt that if we could see what is inside our friends' packages, we would choose to return to our own.

A good tip to help us avoid wanting what belongs to others is to focus on the good things we have in life. Do you appreciate your health? Sometimes, Hashem blesses me with the honor of being a sandek, and after a brit milah, young people ask me for a blessing for livelihood, assuming their health is a given, whereas older people never mention livelihood, only health.

This is because at their age, they know how to value a healthy body, and every time they wake up in the morning without back pain, they are happy and content.

A person married for twenty years forgets the gift he received from Hashem - his wife. He has gotten used to it, and if he only listens to older singles about how hard it is to be alone, he will suddenly recognize the gift he has and learn to enjoy what he has without looking at what others have.

It's the same with children. Sometimes I see parents talking disrespectfully to their children or giving up quality time with them. They even send their boys alone to father-son learning programs they should attend together. I, who waited seven years for my first child until Hashem blessed my wife and me with five daughters, although I have not yet been blessed with a son (which is also good, of course), look at them astonished. I don't understand how they can neglect such a wonderful gift - a child who calls them Dad and gives them the privilege to teach him Torah, and yet they squander it and don't appreciate the blessing given to them by the Creator, blessed be He.

One night, a man requested to come to my house for counseling on marital peace because, according to him, his wife did not respect him enough. When he arrived, I was on the phone with a woman expressing her grievances against her husband, speaking loudly enough that the man waiting beside me could hear everything. She continued recounting her life's events as he patiently waited.

After an hour passed, he abruptly stood up and said he was leaving. I paused the call to ask why he was going, as I was about to finish. The man replied, "I have no problems at home! After hearing the yelling from the other end, I realize how quiet and good my wife is. I'd rather hear my wife's voice than any other." Since then, he never returned to me.

Breakfast, lunch, and dinner have become routine, and we don't feel a great need to thank the Creator, blessed be He, or to be amazed by their presence in our lives. If we only visited the homes of families with empty refrigerators, where children sometimes go to school hungry, and scholars can't concentrate on their studies due to missing breakfast (I have unfortunately witnessed this several times), sometimes having to scavenge for food in trash bins to quench their hunger.

Sadly, on Fridays, I often receive calls on behalf of such families asking for fifty shekels to buy chicken wings for Shabbat, so their kids can taste meat at least once a week. Upon returning from such a tour, opening our fridge to find cheese and delicacies, we will feel fortunate and thank the Creator, blessed be He, for providing us with abundant meals, allowing us to appreciate and enjoy the great gifts from Hashem.

The solution for the second cause of envy - is to strengthen our understanding of God's ways, as it was said by the sages (Yoma 38b), "No person can touch what is prepared for their fellow by even a hair's breadth." The Creator, blessed be He, is not limited by the amount of money or anything else He wishes to grant a person, including honor or success. The success of others does not diminish from our own, even if a competing watch store opens right next door with cheaper prices. Know in your heart that no one in the world can withhold a single penny destined for you by Hashem, and even if a whole mall of watches opens, in the Creator's will, your grace will spread from heaven, and everyone will want to buy from you.

If your friend in the room gets a special match and even receives an apartment from the bride's side, do not worry, my friend! The King of all Kings has millions of good matches, and many more apartments, and if you rejoice in your friend's success, which is the success of Hashem, you too will receive the desires of your heart from Hashem.

Envy at its root stems from a lack of faith—to believe that the entire world is under the complete control of the Creator, blessed be He, who can provide endless abundance in all aspects of life: matches, children, grandchildren, livelihood, success in Torah study, and even a number of students. If you see that the lesson of the rabbi before you was fuller, know that it came from Hashem, and his success takes nothing away from yours.

The solution to the third reason - Understand how the Creator, blessed be He, views the envious, those who are pained to see another's success. The Mishnah in Sanhedrin (46a) states: "Rabbi Meir says, when a person is in pain, what does the Divine Presence say? 'I am distressed about My head, I am distressed about My arm.' If God is distressed over the blood of evildoers that is spilled, how much more so for the blood of the righteous." Rashi explains the word "Kalani" that, as it were, the Creator, blessed be He, is pained when a Jew is pained, similar to one saying, "My head is heavy on me, my arm is heavy on me," as it is said (Isaiah 63:9) "In all their troubles, He is troubled." When a Jew is in distress, the Divine Presence is distressed.

The opposite is also true: when a Jew has good fortune, it is also good for the Creator of the world. If we, heaven forbid, hope for our friend's misfortune, we are essentially wishing pain on the Creator, blessed be He. How can a Jew claim to love Hashem if he begrudges the success of Hashem, as your friend's success is indeed the success of the Creator.

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