Why You Shouldn't Envy Others: A Jewish Perspective on Gratitude, Faith, and Emotional Maturity

Rabbi Yitzchak Zilberstein once told the following story: A young Torah scholar from his neighborhood approached him and admitted that he greatly envied the spacious, well-lit apartment of his friend.

Knowing that particular friend personally, the rabbi replied, “Are you also jealous of the cancer he has?” The man was shocked.

The rabbi explained that this same friend had been battling a serious illness for several months, and the doctors didn’t give him much chance of survival.

A package deal:

During one of my Torah classes, I spoke about how sweet the Torah is and how worthwhile it is to cling to it. One of the attendees said: “I’m jealous of you, Rabbi, that you get to learn Torah and love it so much.”

I replied, “If you only knew how many hardships I’ve gone through in my life, how many tears my pillow has absorbed, you wouldn’t be jealous. I’m sure you wouldn’t want to go through what I’ve been through. Take what God has given you, do the most you can with it — and stop looking at anyone else’s life!”

As King Solomon already said (Proverbs 17:1): “Better a dry piece of bread with peace than a house full of feasting and strife.”

If you envy your neighbor’s fancy home or luxury car, keep in mind that you’re taking the full package deal including his children, his spouse, his physical and emotional health, and all his personal struggles. Without a doubt, if we could truly see the full “package” of our friends' lives, we would choose our own.

Appreciating what you have:

Sometimes I’m honored to be the sandek (the one who holds the baby during a brit milah), and afterward, young people ask for a blessing for livelihood, assuming that health is a given. Older individuals never ask for money — they only ask for health, because at their age, they know to appreciate a healthy body. Every morning they wake up without back pain, they’re filled with joy.

A man married for 20 years often forgets the gift he received from God — his wife. If he were to talk to older singles and hear how hard loneliness can be, he’d suddenly appreciate what he has.

The same is true with children. Sometimes I see parents speaking harshly to their children, neglecting quality time with them — even skipping the “Fathers and Sons” learning sessions where fathers learn Torah with their sons.

One night, a man came to my house for advice about his marriage, saying that his wife didn’t respect him enough. At that moment, I was on a phone call with a woman who was also venting about her husband. She was speaking loudly, and the man sitting beside me heard the entire conversation.

She went on for a long time about her life and frustrations. The man waited patiently for nearly an hour, and then suddenly stood up to leave. I stopped the call and asked, “Why are you leaving? I’m just finishing now.”

He replied, “I have no problems at home. After hearing what that woman said, I realize how wonderful and calm my wife is. I’d rather listen to her voice than to any other woman’s voice.”

He never came back again.

The value of gratitude:

Breakfast, lunch, and dinner have become so normal to us that we don’t feel a strong need to thank God for them. We’re likely not moved by the fact that we have food at all.

If we could visit homes where the refrigerator is empty, and where children go to school hungry... If only we could see the scholars who struggle to focus in yeshiva because they didn’t eat breakfast (I’ve sadly seen this many times). Some even search through garbage bins for food scraps.

Too often, I get calls from families on Fridays asking for just 50 shekels to buy a few chicken wings for Shabbat, so their kids can taste meat at least once a week.

After a visit like that, when we open our refrigerator and find cheese, yogurt, and delicacies, we’ll feel fortunate and grateful to the Almighty who provides our abundance and we'll learn to appreciate His generous gifts.

Lack of faith in God's ways:

The Talmudic Sages say (Yoma 38b): “A person cannot touch even a hair’s breadth of what is destined for his fellow.”

God is not limited by money or material resources. Even honor and success are abundant in His hands.

If someone opens a luxury watch store right next to yours, with cheaper prices, remember that no one in the world can take away even a single coin that God decreed is yours. Even if a whole mall opens beside you, if God wants, He will shine favor upon you, and people will choose your store.

If your roommate got engaged to an amazing match and received an apartment from the bride’s family, don’t worry. The King of kings has millions of great matches and plenty of apartments. If you rejoice in your friend’s success, which is really God’s success, you too will receive all your heart’s desires.

Jealousy stems from lack of emunah — a failure to believe that the entire world is under God’s total control, and that He can give infinite blessing for matches, children, grandchildren, livelihood, Torah success, and even the number of students a person attracts.

If you saw that the rabbi before you had a larger audience, know that it came from God. His success does not diminish yours.

God feels our suffering:

We must understand how God feels about the envious person who is pained by others’ success.

The Talmud in Sanhedrin 46a says: “Rabbi Meir said: When a person is in pain, what does the Shechinah say? 'My head hurts, My arm hurts.’” Rashi explains that this means God feels our suffering. As it says in Isaiah 63:9: “In all their pain, He was pained.”

The reverse is also true — when a Jew is happy, God is happy.
If we wish for our friend to suffer God forbid, we are essentially wishing for God to suffer. How can a Jew claim to love God while being pained by His joy? Your friend’s success is God’s success.